Chapter Eighty Nine

Chapter Eighty Nine

Arian

Once upon a time, I had resented Lucille Kendrick Cruz because I had thought she didn’t value what she had. At some point, I had even pitied her. But never in my wildest thoughts had I imagined that I would one day be saying the same thing to myself. I hadn’t valued what I had until I lost it, and it hurt—God, it hurt—to be near him and yet not be able to touch him.

At least he was out of sight and probably out of mind where his wife was concerned. But me? I wasn’t given that kind of mercy.

I saw him every single day. I sat across from him at the breakfast table with his daughter, then again at night during dinner. Two whole months had passed since we last had what could be called a friendly conversation, and I still couldn’t understand what demon had possessed me to cut him off so completely.

I had told myself it was for the best. I no longer woke from those terrible nightmares—Rafael holding Gabriel at gunpoint the way he had done with Matteo. But in their place came something worse: the erotic dreams that haunted me after we ended our thing.

True to his word, he treated me like one of his employees. Sometimes, he even called me “Miss Macavinta,” the same way I addressed him as “Mr. Cruz.” Each time, the title felt like a knife carving another line between us.

It was upsetting. I felt it down in my bone marrow. And it was worse now, knowing how important he had once been to me—how important he still was. But my fear had won. Fear of history repeating itself, of reliving the agony of what losing Matteo had put me through. I had convinced myself that ending it was safer. That I would rather cut my own heart open than be the reason another man lost his life because of my insane, possessive ex-husband.

“Are you listening to me, Arian?” Gabriel’s voice jolted me out of the spiral of my thoughts. “Earth to Arian.”

I blinked him into focus, shook my head as if to scatter the heaviness, and forced my throat to clear. His eyes flashed with something—concern, maybe? Or maybe I was imagining it, because it was gone too quickly to tell.

“Yes, sir?” I managed.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” I replied, though even I didn’t believe the words.

“Well, I was telling you about my father’s upcoming birthday party. It’s in two days.”

“Oh.” The word stumbled out clumsily. “That’s… I mean, happy birthday to him in advance.” My brows knitted together. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I know you don’t fancy birthday parties all that much,” he said. “But Kary and I would be attending, and since you’re her nanny, it’s imperative that you attend as well. To take care of her.”

I blinked once, then twice in surprise. Of course, it was expected of me. Still, after my unfortunate accident in the pool, I had assumed I’d be spared from attending events that didn’t concern me. Kary’s birthday had been different; I had loved being there for her, especially with him by my side. But this?

“Um… the last time we went to a party… it didn’t end well, remember?”

“That was because my brother’s ‘not-girlfriend’ thought he was hitting on you,” he said, his tone clipped. “She became irrational and pushed you in. I doubt he’d even come within a foot of you this time. The accident has made him more… responsible.”

“I see,” I mumbled.

“Do you have a problem with it, Miss Macavinta?” he asked, his sharp gaze narrowing at my hesitation.

“Would… your sister’s kids be in attendance too?”

“It’s their grandfather’s birthday. Of course, they’ll be there.” He sighed impatiently. “Out with it.”

“I was just thinking… Kary would be with her cousins, and they have nannies who take care of them, so—”

“So what you’re trying to tell me,” he cut in, his brow arched, “is that I should look for someone else to take over your job? Because there are many people willing to take your place… Miss Macavinta.”

The reprimand landed like a slap. My cheeks burned hot with shame. He had never once hinted at firing me before, and the realization sank like a stone in my stomach: he no longer had a soft spot for me. To him, I was just another dispensable employee. His words—though phrased differently—were chillingly close to something his sister had once told me.

From the corner of my eye, I caught Kary’s puzzled expression as she looked between us. To her, the last she knew, her father and I had been “seeing” each other. Now she was watching him scold me like a stranger.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I whispered. “It won’t happen again.”

“Is everything okay between the two of you, Daddy?” Kary’s small voice broke the tension.

“Everything is perfect, sweetheart. Why do you ask?” he soothed.

“I’ve never heard you talk to Ari like that before.” Her frown deepened. “Are you two fighting? Is this like when you and Mommy used to fight?”

“We’re not fighting, sweetheart.” He smiled at her, then turned to me. “Are we, Arian?”

“No, sir,” I said quickly, shaking my head.

“Do you promise that you’re not fighting with her? I don’t want Ari to leave like Mommy left.” Kary’s pout was heartbreakingly earnest.

“I promise,” he assured her.

She looked to me for confirmation, and I forced a smile for her sake. But when I aimed it at him, it came out hollow, strained.

“You did promise never to leave me, Ari, so you can’t break your promise,” she reminded brightly.

“What are you talking about, sweetheart?” Gabriel asked, curiosity sharpening his tone.

“Ari promised to stay with me forever,” she declared proudly. “Isn’t that great?”

“Is that so?” His phone vibrated on the table, drawing his attention. The frown that crossed his face told me the message wasn’t pleasant. He excused himself briskly, leaving us at the table.

“You shouldn’t have told Daddy that, Kary,” I murmured.

“Why not?” she asked, confused.

Why not. Because promises like that weren’t built to last, not in a world as fragile as mine. Because the thought of him knowing made my chest ache in a way I couldn’t admit out loud. Because part of me wanted him to break down my defenses, to reach the heart I had locked away, and that scared me more than anything.

Oh, God. I was a mess. My mind was fighting a brutal war against my heart and my body, and I no longer knew which side would win.

My fear had eaten deep inside me, burrowing into places I hadn’t even known existed, and I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to let go of that emotion unless a miracle happened. A miracle—what a pathetic thing to pin hope on. It wasn’t as if Rafael would suddenly be struck down by some terminal illness that would cut his miserable life short and free me from him. Nor was it likely that an aggrieved party would order his execution during his stay in prison.

I had stopped wishing for a better life, because even the act of wishing hurt. So I accepted my reality: I was doomed to live like this forever. Alone. Utterly miserable.

Gabriel returned to the table, but by then Kary had finished eating. I was grateful for that small mercy and quickly cleared her plate before making myself scarce. I didn’t trust myself to be around him longer than necessary—not when every glance, every word, felt like pulling the scabs off a wound I hadn’t let heal.

Later, I let him tuck her into bed and read her a story. Watching from the shadows, I felt a pang in my chest. He was so gentle with her, so patient, that it made me wonder why fate had cursed me to feel something for a man I could never truly have. When she finally drifted off to sleep, I didn’t wait for him to turn. I hurried out of the room, desperate for distance. But I didn’t make it far.

“Arian.” His voice called my name.

I froze, the syllables of my name striking my spine like a whip. Slowly, I pivoted on my heel, though I kept my gaze averted, afraid of what I might see in his eyes.

“Yes, sir?”

“Do you have a dress you can wear to the party?” he inquired.

My eyes snapped to his face, surprised. “Why would I need a dress? I was only going to watch over Kary, right?”

“Well, yes.” He nodded. “But… you’re also going to be a guest at the party. My father’s friends and acquaintances will be there. I even heard the governor might make an appearance.”

“Would the other nannies also dress up?” I asked, the sarcasm dripping before I could stop myself.

His lips pressed into a thin line. He shook his head, clearly irritated by my attitude. “Just tell Micah to drop you off at the mall tomorrow. Make sure you get the dress you want at Impressions. I’ll make a call to the manager and let her know you’ll be stopping by.”

“There won’t be any need for that,” I said firmly. “I’ll be wearing nothing but my uniform, Mr. Cruz. And you can’t force me to do otherwise.”