Chapter 12
I WAITED UNTIL the next morning before my second prospective Calculus tutor deigned to text back.
> Hey! Sorry, I think I have a bit too much on my plate right now. There's another tutor for Calc though, I think he's better than me too! :) Good luck.
I wanted to fling my phone outside the window. For the rest of the day, I harbored this silent death wish that was silent (for Jaxon, not for myself) in silence. Finally, in the afternoon when I have retired from my classes, I lost my shit.
I typed a furious text to Jaxon.
> How are you the only Calc tutor on school grounds? This is bullshit
His reply came an hour later.
> Lol
It only made me more furious. If this was anyone else, I wouldn't bother. Sadly I really needed help with Calculus and my teacher was useless. I knew if I told anyone, they'd pin the blame on me for being rude in the first place. All of this just made me want to kill myself even more.
I took in a deep breath, and realized that... Jaxon wasn't the one with shit to lose here. It was me. So I sucked my shit back into my asshole and composed a NICE text for the fucker.
> I'm sorry if I ever came off as rude. Can we start anew? As friends? I really do need help with Calculus, and my teacher referred me to the tutors on the notification board. I know you owe me nothing and I know I've been nothing but disrespectful, so I understand if you may not want to physically meet up. I was wondering if you can just explain certain Calc questions over text? :)
I felt so disgusted with myself that I had to take a shower to scrub off the diabetes I just typed out to Jaxon, the true manifestation of a manchild and a neckbeard. When I reemerged from the shower, I saw that Jaxon had replied. I didn't dare to open until I was fully clothed. (T-shirt with bible quote and pink sweatpants).
> Hey sure thing, friend! :) Since you asked so nicely Up until today, I don't think I've ever met anyone who made me want to destroy my phone so badly. Fuming through my nose, I responded with an equally passive aggressive text.
> Thanks for the forgiveness, friend :) Have a good day :)
I tried to study Calculus on my own afterwards. But it didn't god damn work, because I couldn't understand what the hell the letter 'e' had to do with equations. After catching myself falling asleep like five times, I decided to submit myself to a possible future with no dignity left. I reached for my cell phone.
> Hello again, friend :) Can you explain why there is a symbol e in some equations? :)
My phone pinged back instantaneously.
> It's basic logarithmic functions, friend :) It's denoted with base e as ln x. It has for an inverse, an exponential function of y = e^x :)
I yawned reading the text.
> I’m going to drop calc... friend :)
I felt hopeless. Just as I actually entertained the notion of dropping the entire subject, my phone pinged with a reply from Jaxon.
> Fine I'll teach. But face to face, it's easier I was appalled.
> Wait are you being sarcastic?
He went, > No, some people aren't assholes.
I responded with, > When are you free? That'd be great actually. Thank you He returned, > I've got slots on Wed and Fri nights. Library My heart began beating in relief as I fostered fantasies of actually passing the subject. I hoped my tenacity would pay off.
> Yes please. Thank you friend :)
✖
The library was a stunning place which occupied two of the highest floors of Block Augustine. Richmond Park Academy was founded by two Richmond sisters in 1865, who inherited the Richmond mansion preceding the unfortunate sinking of HMS Elizabeth which took the lives of their parents. The original mansion proceeded to be coined Block Augustine, in memory of their late mother.
Little had been done to transform the home into a school: among the prerequisites of the behest was that all the original finishes and furniture were to be carefully maintained, which made entering the building akin to taking a trip back in time.
Photographs of each graduating class lined the hallway to the library. Since Richmond Park Academy was formerly an all-girls institution, the first class of 1865 showed a group of seven dour-faced maidens in white ball gowns, their names gracefully etched in calligraphy. As the years progressed, the daguerrotypes of 19th century debutantes gave way to black-and-white photographs of bouffant-haired swans of the '50s, then to the cheerful addition of long-haired gentlemen in the mid-'60s, when Richmond Park went coed, leading to bright color photographs of winsome young women and handsome young men from the current crop.
Because, really, not much has changed. The girls still graduated in white tea dresses and white gloves, and were presented with garlands of twined ivy on their heads as well as the requite bouquet of yellow roses along with their diplomas. Boys wore proper morning suits, complete with pearl-tipped pins on gray ascots.
Beyond the timber doors of the library, a life-size portrait of the Richmond heiresses hung above the front desk, welcoming students into the magnificent double-height entryway. A Baroque crystal chandelier hung above, and ottomans lined the wallpapered walls.
I found Jaxon Ortega fast asleep by the Mathematics shelves. He was still in uniform, large form occupying half the table. I gingerly took the seat across him.
The library was never crowded, it perhaps had to do with its sheer size.
I let the gentleman sleep at first. I was after all early, and I did not want to intrude on what looked like someone's short escape from a stressful life. But then the clock struck 8 and I realized I had better ways to fill my time than watching him sleep.
So I smacked the guy with my Calculus textbook. He jumped awake with a start, eyelids fluttering wildly as a confused expression overtook his handsome features. Jaxon had this ruggedness in the way he went about life, this nonplussed, easygoing and casual confidence that drew students in like flames drew moths.
He blinked again, bringing a hand to the part of his head where I'd smacked with Fundamentals of Calculus by Carla Morris and Robert Stark. He had shirt-fold imprints on his left cheek, the uniform he'd been wearing since morning looked crumpled. He looked like a mess, but an attractive mess.
This his eyes met mine, and they narrowed.
"You - "
"Hello, friend," I said as my lips twisted into a sarcastic smile.
He frowned for several heartbeats, seemingly still trying to compose himself from the earlier nap.
"What's the time?"
"8pm, friend," I returned politely.
His eyes grew saucer wide, revealing a thick curtain of eyelashes I never noticed prior. Said attribute made me seethe in jealousy. Jaxon then started having a mini panic attack. Well, closest thing to a panic attack that someone like Jaxon would have.
"I've been asleep for 4 hours, wow," Jaxon finally said.
I brought both hands to my heart, in an I'm-grateful-beyond-words gesture. "You shouldn't have to wait 4 hours for me. I mean, friend, four hours!"
He rolled his eyes and flipped the Calculus textbook open.
"Jeez, I was being sarcastic," I said. "You must be fun at parties."
He, without peeling his eyes from the textbook, responded, "Last time I checked, I was only obligated to help you with Calc, not participate in any sort of banter."
"What - ew, why would I try to banter with you. Last time I checked, you needed some kind of rapport with people you banter with."
"How about you not make enemies with the person putting aside precious time to help you with basic mathematics. Do you automatically assume that people who ignore your childish sarcasm are dumb?" Jaxon said this while flipping and scanning the textbook. "You must think you're a really special snowflake with your quirky millennial humor or whatever."
I leaned back against my seat, letting the roasty words digest and compound my previously energetic disposition. I felt raw out of a sudden, a sensation likened to ripping a bandaid off a fresh wound.
"Are you crying?" Jaxon's voice sounded, the tone carried incredulity with a hint of amusement. "Christ, I was kidding. Please don't cry, you're going to make me look like a bad person."
"I'm not crying," I grounded out.
"I was joking," his eyes found mine, they softened.
I would look away. But I had these damn tears pooling in my eyes, I just knew they'd bleed down my cheekbones like two waterfalls if I looked anywhere but straight ahead. I chewed on my lips, indignant and willing my tears to dry.
"I said I'm not crying, I'm just... sleepy."
I had Jaxon's full attention now, the Calculus textbook long forgotten. He extended a hand forward, but stopped himself before they could touch mine. His lips thinned as his eyes wandered, seemingly in search of something.
"My eyes are just dry. I'm allergic to something here."
As I uttered the latter words, my voice cracked and the tears came streaming down. Was I really crying? I've had way worse things thrown at my face. I know - I just know this wouldn't be happening in an alternate universe. I was swiping angrily at my tears now, soaking the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
I felt embarrassed in every sense of the word. I couldn't even justify the tears - how am I this weak? Fucking hell I couldn't believe I was crying, full blown crying. Innately, I knew this was beyond Jaxon. I squeezed my eyes shut as my mind threatened to flash images from a darker, darker time in the past.
"I - I have to go."
I left the scene in quick succession. Jaxon had enough sense not to follow me.