Chapter 54
When the headlights flashed across my window, I went back down to get to the door before he had to ring. I didn’t want Sam waking up and interrupting us. This felt too potentially important for me to fuck up.
Peter didn’t look quite as somber as he appeared the last time he showed up at my house, but he wasn’t smiling, either. I saw the question in his eyes as soon as the porch light spilled across his face, and the urge to pull him against me and kiss him until he was winded was almost overwhelming.
“Were you waiting for me?”
“I didn’t want the bell to wake up Sam.” I cringed as soon as the words escaped me. Jesus, if this was a sign of the night to come, I was doomed now. “I wanted you all to myself.” Hopefully, that would help mitigate some of the damage.
“Was Sam upset by all the drama today?”
“Yeah. He blames himself for it.” I held the door wider, gesturing for Peter to come in. “Do you want something to drink? Or if you’re hungry, I could throw some food together.”
“No, I’m good. Is that why you wanted me to come over?”
“You mean, because of Sam? No, no, not that. He’s fine. Better once he finds out he can still play with Morgan.”
“There was never actually any danger of that. Christina was annoyed, but she’s not that unreasonable. Mostly.”
Peter wasn’t venturing any farther into the house, which left me fidgeting. He’d been very clear about the separation of our relationship, and I was about to stomp all over it again, in my usual clumsy fashion. There was every possibility I was about to make things worse by bringing this up at all, especially if his body language was anything to go by.
“I’ll just have to be careful about what I say in front of her from now on. But I didn’t call because I wanted to talk about her, either.”
“What doyou want to talk about?”
I swallowed. “Us. You. But not standing here in the hall.” I began backing up toward the family room, hoping he would follow. “Will you stay for that?”
“I guess that depends on what you want to say,” Peter said, but he did take a step forward, and then another.
“Did you call it off between us because you found somebody else?” That was the most important question. Because if he had, anything I might have to ask afterward was moot.
“No, there’s nobody else. I told you why I broke things off.”
“Because you didn’t want us fucking to get in the way of you finding something real. I get that. I do. You told me that at the start. But…” We finally reached the family room, and I swept my arm around the big empty space. “I mean, look at this. Do you know how little time I actually spend in this room? Because every time I do, it just reminds me of what I don’t have.”
“That’s not…Aaron, that’s not what I said. That’s not what I meant.Do you remember what we talked about the night we kissed?”
I stared at him in a fluster. “Of course, I remember. But what do you mean, that’s not what you meant? What does the night we kissed have to do with that?”
“Because I said we could keep things casual and no-strings, and you immediately said that’s what I want.And you said you didn’t want the boys to know. That’s what we agreed to. When I realized I couldn’t keep my end of the deal, I decided it was best to stop now before things got really awkward.”
“It waswhat I wanted,” I said automatically, but my brain was chugging away, processing the rest of what Peter had said. I’d assumed our relationship was distracting him from finding what he really wanted. But from the sound of it, he’d been having other problems, and rather than disrespect my wishes, he’d called it off completely. “So…just so I’m clear here, the part of the deal you couldn’t keep…would that be the casual part?”
“When we were at the ER, all I wanted to do was hold your hand, and I know how stupid that sounds, but it’s true. And I realized that I didn’t want to have some secret relationship, or pretend that I wasn’t…that I didn’t have feelings. It’s just too hard, Aaron.”
My heart thundered against my ribs. Peter looked decidedly more forlorn than when he’d arrived. My sole desire was to kiss that misery away, but I held it in check a few seconds longer.
“The past few days have been awful,” I said. “I’ve missed you, more than I thought it was possible to miss anybody but Sam. I thought…well, after that night in the ER, I started to realize that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if this didn’t stay casual. That having you around, in every way, was infinitely preferable to what I had before. I was starting to debate to how you’d react if I asked you out on a real date.”
“I guess that depends on how you react to my question. Would you be willing to explain a date to the boys?”
“Yes. Because I don’t want to lie to them or have to pretend I don’t feel anything for you.”
“And what is it you feel?”
“Happy.” That single word was the best explanation I could offer. It encompassed everything, from flirting with him before sex, to the sex itself, to just getting to be in his company. “Like I haven’t been since Ellie died. Like I didn’t think I could be again.”
“Aaron…” Peter crossed the room and put a hand on my hip, pulling me close against him. “I love you. I haven’t even looked at another guy since the day I met you.”
His words were more than I’d expected. A different league, a different universe. They cast our previous conversation—which really had been a break-up—in an entirely new light. No wonder he hadn’t wanted to be around me. And just the fact that he’d been willing to put his feelings on the back burner to respect mine was even further proof he was exactly the man I’d known he was all along.