Chapter 180: Misery

I woke before dawn. Didn't need to. My body was already tense. Already preparing. I packed quickly. Spare clothes. Weapons. Basic supplies. Everything fit in one bag. Traveling light made leaving easier.

My room looked empty without my things. Bare. Like I'd never lived here. Good. That made it simpler. Made it feel less permanent. Less like home.

I strapped my sword to my back. My dagger to my thigh. Checked everything twice. Made sure I had what I needed. Made sure I wasn't forgetting anything important.

Except I was forgetting the most important thing. Was walking away from him. But that couldn't be helped. Had to be done.

I left the room without looking back. Walked through the settlement in the gray pre-dawn light. Most people were still asleep. A few early risers moved through the streets. They nodded when they saw me. I nodded back. Didn't stop to talk.

The stables were quiet. My horse was already prepared. The two guards Connor assigned waited nearby. Young. Capable. They greeted me formally. I returned the greeting. Checked my horse's saddle and supplies.

Everything was ready. Everything was in order. All I had to do was mount up and ride away.

Simple. Easy. Except my chest felt like it was being crushed. Except the bond screamed at me to stop. To turn around. To stay.

I ignored it. Mounted my horse. The guards did the same.

A small group had gathered to see us off. Connor stood at the front. Elizabeth beside him. A few other pack members. Not many. This wasn't a big departure. Just a routine diplomatic mission.

Connor approached. Looked up at me. "Safe travels."

"Thank you."

"Remember what I said."

"I will."

He stepped back. Elizabeth raised her hand in farewell. I returned the gesture.

Then I turned my horse toward the gate. The guards fell in behind me. We rode forward slowly. Through the settlement. Toward the main entrance. Toward leaving.

I kept my eyes forward. Didn't look at houses we passed. Didn't look for him. Didn't give myself the chance to weaken.

The gates opened. We passed through. The settlement fell behind us. Open land stretched ahead. Forest in the distance. Freedom. Escape. Space.

We'd ridden maybe fifty yards when I felt it. A pull through the bond. Sharp. Desperate. Panicked.

He knew. He'd found out. He was here.

I couldn't help it. Looked back. Scanned the settlement walls.

There. On the eastern watchtower. A figure. Dark hair. Tall. Standing at the edge. Staring at us. At me.

Darian.

Even from this distance, I saw his posture. Rigid. Shocked. His hands gripping the railing. His whole body leaning forward like he wanted to jump down and run after us.

Our eyes met. The distance didn't matter. The bond connected us. I felt his devastation. His confusion. His desperation.

Don't go. Please don't go. Come back. Talk to me. Don't leave like this.

The emotions flooded through. Clear as words. Clear as if he'd shouted them.

My wolf whined. Wanted to turn around. Wanted to go back. Wanted her mate.

I forced myself to face forward. Forced my horse to keep moving. Forced my body to remain rigid in the saddle.

Don't look back. Don't stop. Don't give in.

The bond pulled. Harder than ever before. Like a rope stretching to its limit. Like it might snap. Like it was tearing us both apart.

I felt Darian trying to push through. Trying to reach me. Trying to understand why. Trying to make me stop.

I blocked him. Built walls around my mind. Around my heart. Made them thick. Impenetrable. Didn't let him through.

His hurt crashed against those walls. Wave after wave of it. But I held firm. Kept them up. Kept him out.

The settlement grew smaller behind us. I didn't look back again. Didn't give myself that weakness. Just rode forward. Away from him. Away from pain. Away from everything.

The guards rode silently behind me. Didn't ask questions. Didn't comment. Professional. Respectful of my obvious need for silence.

We rode for three days. Hard. Fast. Pushing the horses as much as we safely could. I wanted distance. Wanted miles between us. Wanted the bond to weaken with physical separation.

It didn't. Still felt him. Every moment. Every breath. The bond stretched but didn't break. Didn't even weaken. Just hurt differently. Like a constant ache instead of sharp pain.

My wolf was miserable. Barely responded when I needed to shift for patrols. Moved mechanically. Without joy. Without energy. Like she was sick. Dying.

Maybe she was. Maybe we both were.

The northern pack's territory appeared on the fourth day. Different from home. Colder. More mountains. Less forest. Their settlement was built into the hillside. Stone and wood. Practical. Defensive.

Their Alpha greeted us at the gates. A woman named Kiera. Gray-haired. Sharp-eyed. She welcomed us formally. Offered us rooms. Food. Rest.

I accepted. Thanked her. Followed her attendants to the guest quarters. Small room. Clean. Private. Good enough.

I unpacked. Washed. Changed into clean clothes. Tried to look presentable. Tried to look like someone capable of diplomatic work instead of someone falling apart inside.

The meetings started the next day. Trade routes. Alliance terms. Defense cooperation. Boring details that required attention and thought. Good. Kept my mind occupied. Kept me from thinking about him. About home. About what I'd left behind.

I threw myself into the work. Took detailed notes. Asked intelligent questions. Made suggestions. Negotiated terms. Did everything Connor would expect from his representative.

Kiera seemed impressed. Commented on my thoroughness. My professionalism. My capability. I nodded. Accepted the compliments. Pretended they mattered.

The days blurred together. Meetings. Meals. More meetings. Tours of their territory. Discussions about security. About threats. About cooperation. All necessary. All important. All meaningless.

Because none of it fixed the hole in my chest. None of it made the bond stop hurting. None of it made me forget.

The nights were worse. Lay in the unfamiliar bed in the unfamiliar room and felt the distance. Felt Darian on the other end of the bond. Felt him trying to reach me. Felt him confused. Hurt. Desperate. I kept the walls up. Kept him blocked. Kept myself separate. It took energy. Constant effort. But I maintained it. Couldn't let him in. Couldn't let him see how much I was hurting. Couldn't let him pull me back before I figured out how to survive this.

My wolf whined constantly. Paced inside me. Didn't understand. Didn't accept. Wanted to go home. Wanted our mate. Wanted things to go back to how they were.

I couldn't explain to her that they never would. That what we'd seen couldn't be unseen. That Darian would always be tied to his past. That we'd always be competing with ghosts. She wouldn't understand. Didn't want to understand.

So I just endured her misery. Added it to my own. Carried both.