Chapter 8: My feelings

Herrera came across like he wanted to help me, but I knew at the end of the day, it didn't matter what happened to me as long as he got his case. And even though I was still angry with the Avenettis for getting my parents killed, I had to be sure of what I was doing before handing them to him on a silver platter.

"Fine, but I want full reports daily. And if you take one step out of line with this..." He cautioned.

"I won't" I cut him off. "You'll be the first to know if I find anything out, I promise."

Another knock at the door. Who the hell was it this time? Why was my apartment Grand Central Station at two in the morning?

"Sadie, it's Brandon. Open up."

Damn it.

Herrera looked back at me in shock and confusion.

"I know you're in there." He wasn't going to go easily.

"Trust me." I whispered to Herrera. He hesitated at first, but nodded and headed towards the fire escape. I quickly tossed his plate into the trash so there was no evidence. The last thing I needed were more questions from Brandon tonight.

"Just a second." I called, checking myself in the mirror. Why was I trying to fix myself up for him? I let out a sigh of frustration and headed towards the door.

I opened the door and a rush of cold air hit me. Brandon stood with his back to me, in a tight-fitting black leather jacket and blue jeans. At the sound of the door opening, he turned around with a handsome grin on his face, cradling a bottle of wine in his hand. A five o'clock shadow blanketed his sharp jawline making him look so mature, so damn hot. He was so perfect it almost made my heart ache at the realization that he was once mine and I had let him go.

Pulling myself together, I gave him a tight smile. "How did you get my address?"

"Come on, princess, you know me better than that." Brandon smirked, chuckling to himself. "Are you going to let me in, or make me stand in the hallway all night?"

Unable to deny him, I moved aside and gestured towards the door. Brandon took the invitation eagerly and came inside. I shut the door tightly, keeping it unlocked just in case. I wasn't sure what exactly for, but somehow, I felt safer knowing I could make a quick getaway if I needed too. It wasn't that I was scared of him, it was that I couldn't seem to trust myself when he came around.

"I heard you had a busy night, and thought you could use a nightcap." He smiled sweetly, slipping his jacket over the back of the chair. His black t-shirt clung tightly to his chest, displaying each and every bulging muscle. For a brief second, I thought about what it would be like to be wrapped in those arms again, even just for one night. It wasn't a possibility but the thought was still enough to send shivers throughout my entire body. Maybe it was my lack of sleep that was making me so emotional.

Brandon frowned, eyeing the box of pizza on my counter. "Please don't tell me you're eating this shit. Virgilio's is so much better." He picked up a piece, wincing at it and then tossing it back into the box.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I haven't had much time to go grocery shopping yet, I was desperate. And it's not actually that bad."

"Yeah, if you like the taste of cardboard." Brandon smirked. "You can't even call this real pizza. One night I'll take you to Virgilio's and you'll see what I'm talking about."

I bit my lip, letting his words linger in the air. His eyes locked on mine, realizing what he had just suggested. "Anyway," He shoved his fingers through his hair. "I brought this." He grabbed the bottle of wine off the counter and held it out towards me. It was a red blend that we had shared many times before, one that the Avenettis imported as part of their business. "Have your tastes in wine changed in the last eight years?"

His words were almost like a sucker punch of reality, and to distract myself I grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet. "Has it really been that long?"

"It feels longer." He smiled softly, his eyes a million miles away as he opened the bottle. He poured two hefty glasses and then handed me one.

"Well, things have certainly changed for you, Boss." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood a little bit.

Brandon smiled almost sheepishly. "It's not official yet."

"Might as well be." I smiled, leading him over to the couch.

"I still have a lot left to learn." He conceded, as humble as ever. I had never met anyone in my entire life who was as commanding and in control as Brandon, yet so incredibly humble.

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes. "You've been training for this your entire life. You're going to be great at it."

"Well, thank you for your vote of confidence." Brandon smiled, sitting down on the couch next to me, our knees mere centimeters apart.

"Is it everything you thought it would be?" I asked, sipping on the wine. The liquid warmed my throat in a familiar way, hints of citrus and pear nipping at my tongue.

"Not everything." He stared back at me longingly. "You know when I first started on the track to become Don, I fully expected you to be by my side when I got to this point. It's just different than I thought, I guess. Expectations change."

I pressed my lips together, not sure how to respond. I had dreamed about that too, but then my parents were killed, and my life was turned upside down, and Brandon hadn't supported what I felt like I had to do.

"What about you? Is life outside of the Mafia as great as you thought it would be?" He asked.

I blushed softly, darting my eyes away from his. "It's definitely different, but it's good."

Brandon paused for a second. "Do you ever regret leaving?" I could tell he was desperately wanting me to admit that I did. That I regretted leaving him and walking away the way I had. I couldn't do that though. I was happy with the decision I had made. I had to get Adam away from the Mafia. Did I regret leaving the Mafia? Not with one ounce of my soul. But did I regret leaving Brandon? Absolutely. Unfortunately, the two were intertwined. This was exactly the kind of rabbit hole I couldn't go down. I had a job to do.

I shook my head in response, knowing my answer would sting. Brandon remained completely still, nearly draining his wine glass. "You know I think about the day you left all the time."

"Brandon," I bit my lip. "I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I had just lost my parents, my entire world..."

"You still had me." He sighed. "And my brothers and parents and a hundred other people around at any time who loved you and would have done whatever it took to help you."

"The same people who let my parents be killed." I quipped.

"That's not fair, Sadie, and you know it." He narrowed his eyes at me, but backed off quickly. "Look, let's not ruin a good night by talking about this" He stood up, quickly changing the subject "Your apartment is beautiful."

I could tell he was trying to treat me with kid gloves so I wouldn't run again. I didn't appreciate being placated, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take tonight.

"Thank you." I followed him towards the balcony. "This is my favorite part." I opened the door and we both stepped into the chilly air. I leaned against the railing shivering as the wind ripped through the air.

"Jesus, you must be freezing." Brandon reached out and started rubbing my bare arms vigorously. To both of our surprise, I didn't pull away, but let him warm me up, before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me tightly into his chest.

"God, I've missed this." The view, the city, having his protective arms wrapped around me. Star gazing together. Spending the evening just talking with him. I wasn't sure what exactly I was talking about.

Brandon looked down at me, forcing my chin up with his finger. He hovered mere centimeters above me, giving me every opportunity to pull away. And when I didn't, he leaned down, pressing his lips to mine, gently at first, and then full of every bit of desperation I had been feeling these last eight years. He kissed me feverishly, holding me against him as he did so.

It was like all at once, my feelings for him came crashing back. Every touch, every memory was now replaying in my mind and I was aching for more. I knew I was playing with fire, desperate for something that couldn't happen, but it didn't matter.

When he finally pulled away for a break, we were both completely out of breath. When our eyes met, a smile tugged at his lips.

"Brandon..." I whispered softly. "My feelings haven't changed." I fought back tears, so angry with myself for getting into this position. I loved him, why couldn't that be enough?

"Neither have mine." His small smile turned into an arrogant grin, as he leaned down, brushing his lips against mine again.

"I mean about the Mafia. I can't. "I pulled away, not letting myself enjoy another of second of something I knew was impossible. Something that would leave me broken and shattered in unimaginable ways.

Brandon's eyes became unreadable. "I know." He whispered. Instead of pulling away like I expected, he wrapped me in an even tighter hug. I fit perfectly into the crook of his chest as he kissed the top of my head. "I know."