Chapter 34

“Looking for this?” Aidan gestured at the last piece of birthday cake.

“No. It’s yours, you take it,” Allie muttered uncomfortably.

“You can have it.” He dropped the paper plate onto the counter and moved to leave.

“You two need to get over yourselves,” Quinn said irritably. “Everyone’s sick of it.”

“Stay out of it!” Aidan snapped.

“Don’t be a jerk!” Allie bit back.

“You’re both total assholes lately. Figure it out on your own, or I’ll drag it out of you in front of everyone.” Quinn stalked from the kitchen.

“You suppose he’s right?” Aidan asked.

“He usually is.”

“Let’s get on with it then.” He offered his hand.

She stared at it for a moment before she took it and followed him outside.

“Want to go for a ride on my new bike? It’s a Christmas and birthday present from Dad.”

“I don’t have a helmet.”

“Seriously?” He rolled his eyes as he straddled the beautiful classic Harley. Then, she noticed he didn’t have one either.

“Right.” She climbed on behind him. “I know we heal fast, but pain is pain, and if you can avoid it, why risk it?”

“Point taken. I’m sorry I give you such a hard time for your mortal brain.”

He makes it sound like a disease.

Aidan’s gift muffled the chilly winter wind as they traveled in a cocoon of his warmth. It was quiet inside their bubble, and she wasn’t surprised when music filled her ears. The song was a familiar one, but he infused it with his gift, allowing him to speak to her in the most honest way he knew. He had such a beautiful way of communicating, but they still had so much to say.

She had tears in her eyes by the time they reached North Shore Beach. The tension was thick in the air. They would either have it out or reconcile, she wasn’t sure which way it would go yet.

“I haven’t been back here since the fire.” She scrubbed at the tears in her eyes.

“I do not want to be the one who makes you cry.” He sighed as they walked down the path to the beach. The distance between them still seemed impossible.

Allie busied herself with clearing the snow from a corner of the deck that had served as the stage that night.

“Seems like a hundred years ago.” He paced across to the railing, watching the sluggish, icy waves lapping at the shore. “I felt so certain about what would happen after your Awakening. That was my first mistake,” he said sadly.

“Aidan, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” He smiled, and she saw the wall between them begin to crumble.

“I’ve been a complete—”

“Jerk-face?” she offered with a smile.

“Sure, we’ll go with that.” The sound of his laughter eased some of the tension between them.

“I won’t pretend to understand why you’ve shut me out. Or why you’ve been such a jerk about it, but I know you needed some time to yourself. Everyone deserves their selfish moments,” she said.

“I’ve been too hard on you.” His self-loathing made her want to shake him.

“It doesn’t have to be like this between us. This all or nothing attitude just isn’t fair.”

“I know.” His phone buzzed loudly.

“Wendy, again?” She knew it was totally irrational, but she was insanely jealous. Ever since Wendy came home for the holidays, the two had been inseparable.

“Yeah, she’s just letting me know she got back to school safely.”

“Oh.”

“You have no cause to be jealous.”

“It’s not that—”

“Jealous of my time, maybe?” He turned to face her.

“I suppose.” These last weeks had been difficult, seeing him with Wendy and how happy they were together. It was like salt in the wound.

“She could never replace you, Allie. Not as a friend or anything else. We share a deep abiding love of music, and we will eventually go to the same college. That’s it.”

“I know. It’s just … I’ve missed you like crazy one moment and the next, I just want to punt you off my rooftop.”

“I deserve that.”

“No, you don’t. That’s just my bad temper. Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“You’re so critical of yourself.”

Aidan just shrugged and turned away.

“I wish you’d talk straight with me for once.”

“I do.”

“Not about yourself.”

“It’s hard for me, Allie. I’ve never had someone I can talk to so freely. I know it’s new to you too. It just seems easier for you. You always say exactly what you feel.”

“Do I?” she scoffed.

“Come on, you’re not even remotely shy about telling me what I need to hear.”

“That may be true sometimes, but I’m so uncertain about myself—especially Allie the Immortal. Aidan, I don’t know who she is yet, but I do know I will always be here for you. You need to remember that.”

“Thanks.” But she knew he was just humoring her.

“Talk to me now. I’m here freezing my butt off, but I’m listening.”

“Sorry.” He moved to her side, bringing his warmth with him. “Allie …” He hesitated, and then the floodgates opened. “My whole life I’ve been held to a higher standard. The pressure I feel from my father, my mentor, and myself is stifling. You’re only just beginning to understand what that’s like.”

“I sense it building every day,” she said. “Like a dam about to burst at any moment. As soon as Emma feels like I’ve had enough time to adjust, it’s going to blow, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up.”

“You’ll handle everything in stride, like always.”

“You set a good example.” She smiled.

“No one has ever understood me like you do,” he said. “But you’ve only seen me with my family. Wherever I go, other Immortals are cold and distant. They fear what I might become once I’m an adult fully Proven. Some actually think I should be controlled, like I couldn’t possibly be trusted with this much power. They’ll think the same of you,” he added sadly.

“My training is brutal, and I’ve tried to shield that from you for as long as possible. I’m in pain most of the time because I have to work so hard to stay one step ahead. If I slack off for even a day, I could lose control. You know that, but you don’t know how much I train. I’m up to two hours with Jin before school every day and an hour longer than the rest of you after. Dad says I might have to quit football next year. I want to keep what normal life I have, even when I feel like giving up. It’s just so exhausting! I’ll be a target before I’m thirty, and I know I have to be ready to defend myself from those who would take what’s mine, but sometimes I’d gladly give it all away. I hate teaching Chloe, and now they have me working with Graham too. I don’t want to be this authority figure to my friends, but Dad insists I take a leadership role. He claims people will always look to me for guidance and I need to learn to shoulder that responsibility now. I just wish I didn’t have to practice on my friends.”

“I know you hate it.” Allie was so glad that he was finally letting it all out. “But you’re a natural leader. The others respect you, yes, but they love you, Aidan. And don’t ever forget, I don’t see you that way. So, when it gets to be too much, I’m here. You can’t keep it bottled up like this. I had no idea you felt such pressure.”

“Allie, you’ve been a godsend for me these last months.”

“But you’ve been so preoccupied with taking care of me and helping me through all of this you haven’t thought of yourself and what you need. It’s time you stop focusing on me so much. I’m doing okay now. You got me through it. Let me be here for you now.”

“I’m a fixer. Taking care of others is what I do. I don’t know how to turn it off.” He shrugged. “You know I’ve not always dealt with this life very well. You’ve heard the stories about me before you came along. But that’s when everything changed. I had an equal. For the first time in my life, I could be with another person and not feel their fear and discomfort. I love you, Allie. I can’t help it; it just feels so damned natural.”

“Aidan, I—”

“I need you in my life. In whatever way you’ll have me,” he said in a rush. “We could be amazing together, I know it and you know it, but you have so much on your plate. It’s too much. I get that now,” he said miserably. “It was selfish of me to push so hard so soon.”

“Aidan Loukas, you are the most selfless person I know! It’s difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and I’m just as guilty of that as you are. It’s been all about me for months, and I haven’t stopped to think about how this has affected you too. You know how much you mean to me. I love the closeness we share, and I crave it just as much as you do. In a different way, I suppose, but that’s not fair. I don’t know if I can explain my feelings well enough for you to understand, but you and I, it’s just too much. I don’t want to be that girl who’s nothing without her boyfriend. I want to be a reflection of what I love—of who I am on my own—not just an empty echo of who I love. Does that make sense?”

“You think I’d overwhelm you?” he asked.

“We’d overwhelm each other.”

“I made so many assumptions about what would happen after your Awakening.” He shrugged. “I was so certain you would see how much we needed each other, and you would forget all about Vince. I never stopped to consider he might be better for you. I know you better than anyone. I should have known you’d resist this life, clinging to your old one, doing this your way—not mine or anyone else’s.”

“About time you wised up.” She nudged him playfully.

“Our friendship means the world to me, Allie. I’m so sorry for pushing you away. I needed some distance. I still need distance,” he said. “I can’t go back to the way it was. I love the intimacy we have, but I clearly can’t handle it. Can you forgive me for acting like a jerk?”

“Don’t shut me out like that ever again, you hear me? I’ve missed you.” She hugged him tightly.

“I missed you too,” he murmured.

“Does this fall under the intimacy category?”

“‘Fraid so.” He pulled away. “I just can’t, Allie.” He shook his head sadly. “We have to find a middle ground where we can be friends, but we need boundaries. In the last few weeks, I’ve started sensing my Complement, and that changes everything.”

“What’s it like?” she whispered, experiencing a bit of a reality check.

“I don’t think I can talk about it yet, especially with you. She’s out there just waiting for me,” he said in complete awe. “I’m not sure what to do with that, but I do know I’ll never recognize her as long as I resist the possibility of anyone but you.”

Allie forced a smile, feeling a stab of regret at the idea that some unknown girl had a claim on him so deep he couldn’t even tell her about it.