Chapter 30: Wanting What I Can’t Have

“Your house is amazing,” Chloe said.

I’d been giving her a full tour, including the rooms in the basement my father had closed up years ago. Most of them were bedrooms void of furniture, except for Dad’s office, and the room where we’d kept Hannah locked up. I almost didn’t show her this room, but she already knew what happened to Hannah, and I didn’t want to hide any part of myself from her, even the ugly parts.

I held open the door, and Chloe stepped inside. I hadn’t been in this room in years, not since the night she escaped. Sean had closed up the room so neither Jax nor I would have to deal with it. Everything was exactly as it was when Hannah had been here.

A mattress and box spring sat in the corner, complete with brightly colored blankets and fluffy pillows. Matching white furniture—dresser, nightstand, vanity, and a desk—was arranged neatly in the room. Chloe hugged herself.

I couldn’t begin to imagine what horrifying thoughts must be running through her mind right now. I wrapped my arm around her and tugged her to my side. “We tried to make her as comfortable as possible. Jax thought if she had normal things, it would help.”

Even though we’d had to lock her up like a wild, dangerous animal, we weren’t cruel to her. We’d wanted to make her feel as normal and at home as humanly possible.

“If you only come back here after everyone who could possibly know you is… gone.” She swallowed. “Why did you keep her here? The people who were here back then are probably still alive. Aren’t you worried about someone recognizing you?”

I shook my head. “She wasn’t from around here, so we didn’t have to worry about anyone knowing her. And we brought her here in the middle of the night when no one would see us. Jax and I would take turns watching her, never leaving or allowing ourselves to be seen.” I sighed. “We needed some place safe and secluded.”

She nodded. “How long was she a vampire before…?”

“Fifteen years.”

Chloe gasped. “She spent fifteen years locked in this room?”

“On and off.” I held her closer and kissed the top of her head. “We did everything we could to help her, to keep her as happy as possible. But she was a danger to everyone. Letting her out wasn’t an option.”

She took a deep breath. “How did she die? I mean, when you… how did you…?”

I cringed. “Is that really what you want to know?”

I knew, eventually, she’d ask this all-important question—how did one kill a vampire—but I hadn’t expected her to ask that before she ever asked how a person became a vampire. The fact that she was more interested in killing my kind than becoming one was concerning.

She nodded, though a bit reluctantly.

“There are only three ways to kill a vampire. A wooden stake to the heart, beheading, or fire.”

She closed her eyes. “Oh.”

“There’s still one very important question you haven’t asked me yet.” I guided her out of the room, shutting off the lights and closing the door behind us. “Aren’t you curious?” I led her to the final room at the end of the hall.

She was silent as we walked. Why was she so afraid to learn how someone became a vampire? Not like I was going to change her. I couldn’t. Even though I wanted to, more than anything, but wanting what I couldn’t have wouldn’t change thing.

I flung open the door and ushered her inside Sean’s office. An oversize mahogany desk sat in the center with bookshelves lining the wall behind it. Newspaper clippings and drawings of very intricate family trees were plastered on the other three walls.

“This is where Sean keeps all the research he’s gathered about the Zoya and our families. He’s tireless about finding a way to break the curse.” I stood near the door as she wandered around the room.

“Is he close to finding a cure?”

“No. Every new lead is another dead end.”

“I’m sorry.” She returned to where I stood, slipped her arms around my waist, and rested her head on my chest.

I enveloped her in a hug. We stood there for a long while and held each other, neither of us speaking. Simply having her in my arms like this was incredible, and if this was truly all I’d ever be able to have with her, it would be enough. It had to be.

When she started to move away, I yanked her back to me, my lips landing on hers. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she kissed me deeply, just as swept up in this moment as I was. If she didn’t realize that we were meant for each other, I’d lose her. Someday, I’d lose her no matter what—that was inevitable—but between now and then, I needed. I hoped she knew that.

I flexed my fingers, then flattened my palm against her back, pressing her even closer. She put her hands on my chest and clutched my shirt between her fingers, almost as if trying to ensure I wouldn’t suddenly disappear.

But there wasn’t a force on this earth that would ever make me leave her—well, except for her. If she told me to go away, I would. I’d be broken beyond repair, but I’d do whatever she asked of me.

I pulled her closer, and she moved her hands up to my neck and let her fingers splay in my hair. Then she whimpered against my lips. That tiny sound shredded what little self-control I had. Groaning, I abruptly ended the kiss. Her chest heaved with labored breaths, and she licked her bottom lip. She gazed up at me with so many emotions I couldn’t pinpoint any single one, but everything inside of me seized with the possibility that she might love me the same way I loved her.

“Chloe,” I whispered, trailing my finger delicately down the side of her face.

“Tell me how a person becomes a vampire,” she said.

I placed a lingering kiss to her forehead, took her hand, and led her back upstairs to the living room. Thankfully, the room was empty. We went to the couch and sat.

“So, you want to know how to become a vampire?” I asked but didn’t give her a chance to answer. I didn’t want her to change her mind. She needed to know this information. “The transformation process is extremely dangerous.”

She raised a brow. “Isn’t everything about you dangerous?”

I smirked. “There is no margin for error.” I lifted her legs and draped them over my lap, so she sat with her back against the arm of the couch. She attempted to move and sit up, but I held her in place. “Trying to get away?”

She laughed and settled back. “No.”

“Good, because I’m not willing to let you go so easily anymore.” I leaned over, my body almost on top of hers, and then I kissed her again. I’d keep kissing her for as long as she’d let me.

She closed her eyes, and when I slid my hand along the side of her neck, she arched toward me, granting me permission. Every nerve in my body sparked to life and sizzled with need. I’d never be able to get enough of her. She trembled, and I pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. But Chloe held back, almost as if she were suddenly unsure of kissing me. I deepened the kiss even further, and she finally gave in. I poured every single emotion I possessed into that kiss—love, fear, hope. My ultimate dream for our future, one where I wasn’t cursed, where she’d be with me for all of eternity.

I left her mouth and placed heated kisses along her jaw, and then my lips were on her neck. The smell of her blood pumping through her veins made my gums ache. She held her breath, and I forced myself to focus on telling her how a person became a vampire.

“It starts right here.” I puckered my lips against her heated, sensitive skin. “A single bite to puncture the carotid artery.”

Her pulse raced, and I smiled against her neck.

“Relax, Chloe. I’m not going to hurt you.” I kissed her neck again. My hand landed on er hip, and I squeezed gently, wanting to show her that I could be tender while also maintaining complete control.

“What happens next?” she whispered, her voice raspy.

“For us, the bite is effortless. Smooth. It’s like sinking your teeth into butter.” I continued to tease her neck with tiny kisses. “But for you…” Pausing long enough to inhale, I continued. “It’s sharp and painful, like millions of bee stings. And even though you know it’s coming, you can’t really prepare for it. Your body goes into shock, paralyzing you. You can’t move.” I dragged my lips to her throat, and she tilted her head back. “You can’t scream.”

I remembered how terrifying that part had been when Sean changed me. Feeling the pain, knowing what was happening and not being able to do anything about it, to not be able to release the pain in any way.

I kissed the corner of her mouth, and when I didn’t kiss her fully, she pouted. That look would be my undoing. My heart slammed against my ribs, and I had to focus on keeping calm.

“And then I drink until your heart slows.” I placed my hand over her heart, which was nowhere near slow. In fact, her heart raced so hard and fast I worried she might hurt herself. “Just before your heart stops, you drink,” I said.

She stared at me wide-eyed. “Drink what?”

“Vampire blood is the essence of what we are. It gives us immortality, heightens our senses, heals our bodies. Keeps us warm.” I shifted so I was lying beside her on the couch. “The transformation is usually complete after a day or so, once our blood replaces your human blood.”

“That sounds… intense.” She adjusted onto her side, so we were facing each other.

I draped my arm over her. “It’s quite intimate, actually.”

She frowned. Of everything I just explained, the intimacy of the process was what upset her? I wasn’t sure I’d ever fully understand her or how her mind worked. “Well, I suppose that answers my other question,” she said.

“What question is that?”

“Why don’t you have another vampire change someone for you, a vampire who isn’t in your family? Surely, that would bypass the curse, wouldn’t it?”

“Like I said, there is no margin for error. You drink a moment too long, and you’ll end up killing the person instead of changing them. It would have to be someone I trusted implicitly, and there are only two people I trust that much.”

“Your dad and brother.”

I nodded. “Besides, the curse states, “If you find a way around, true death will rain down.” Sean believes that means if we try to find a loophole, the person we’re changing will die permanently. We’re not willing to risk someone’s life to find out if he’s right.”

She fell silent for a moment and fidgeted with the buttons on my polo shirt. “If the transformation process is both dangerous and intimate, why aren’t you near extinction? Seems like there would be more errors than successes.”

I laughed and encouraged her to scoot closer. “There are some vampires who make others simply because they can. They create companions, armies, people to do their dirty work for them. But those are not the type of vampires you want to make deals with.” I brushed her hair from her forehead, my hand lingering on her cheek.

“Isn’t it hard for you to be close to me? Doesn’t my blood make you want to, you know, suck me dry?”

My lips twitched, but I didn’t smile. While her choice of words was funny, her question was a serious one and deserved an equally serious answer. “Yes and no. Any blood is tempting; it’s just who I am. I can’t control the urge, but I can control how I handle it.” I moved my hand down to settle on her waist. “I’ve been feeding on animals for almost my entire existence. Drinking your blood would be like gorging on a decadent dessert.”

“Almost?” she asked, her voice cracking slightly.

“There was a period of time when Jax and I were on our won. We got mixed up with some bad people, did things we shouldn’t have.” I kept my answer short, hoping she’d get the hint I wasn’t quite ready to tell her that part of my life story just yet. I rarely liked to think about it, and Jax and I vowed to never speak of it with each other.

“What about your heightened senses? Does that ever make it hard to… kiss me?” Her face flushed, and she kept her head even with my chest, refusing to look at me.

“Hard? Yes, but not in the way you think.” I put my finger under her chin and tilted her head. “Every time I touch you or kiss you, it’s like every nerve in my body is electrified, every feeling magnified. It’s like my very skin is alive with energy.” I smiled faintly. “I crave you, Chloe, and that’s the best feeling in the world.”

“That doesn’t sound hard at all.”

“It’s not. The hard part is controlling myself. Because everything feels so incredible, I never want to stop.”

“Oh.” She closed the distance between us, her lips finding mine. “I don’t want to stop, either,” she whispered.

I groaned, the sound deep and rumbly, and I somehow managed to pull her even closer. I kissed her hard, and suspended in those moments of pure physical bliss, everything around me ceased to exist. My sole focus was on Chloe, on how snugly she was tucked against my body, how hot her breath was, how soft and delectable her lips were. I was so caught up in her that I didn’t even hear my brother walk into the room.

“Come on!” Jax said. “Can’t you two do that somewhere else?”

Chloe jumped, and she rolled off the couch as gracefully as she could manage, then stood. My brother had the absolute worst timing. I swore he did it on purpose most of the time.

Jax laughed, then he shielded his eyes. “Jesus,” he muttered.

“What?” she asked, her heart racing.

“Your aura,” Jax said, squinting and tilting his head. “It’s so bright.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Um… sorry?”

“I’ve never seen anyone as bright as you,” Jax said, his tone full of wonder.

I rubbed the back of my neck. Then I stood, too, and took her hand. “Want to get out of here?” I asked, completely ignoring Jax.

All I wanted to do was be alone with Chloe, to kiss her and hold her and spend time getting to know her better—not listening to my brother amuse her with his weird aura-reading ability.

“Um, yeah, sure,” she said.

“I’m going to tell Dad we’re leaving.” I walked out of the living room, leaving her with Jax, which probably wasn’t a smart idea. But I wouldn’t be gone too long.

Using my speed, I darted outside, found Dad in the backyard, and quickly told him Chloe and I were leaving. Then I rushed back inside just in time to hear Chloe say, “You know that trying to run me off is going to hurt him, too, right?”

I curled my hands into fists. What the hell had Jax said to her? Better yet, how would she respond? I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I needed to know what Chloe would say. Would she defend our relationship? Or would she take Jax’s words as an easy way out of a complicated relationship?

“Not nearly as much as your death will,” Jax said.

“A broken heart is a broken heart. There aren’t varying degrees.”

“That right there is exactly why you’re wrong for him. You don’t get it.” Jax tossed the remote onto the coffee table and stood. “You don’t understand what it’s like for us. The heightened emotions. The immortality. The obsession.” He moved around the furniture and stopped in front of Chloe. “We never forget anything. And we can’t just get over it, either.”

“And you think I can just walk away so easily?” She crossed her arms and stared at him. “I like Trent. A lot.”

My heart soared at her words, and for the first time since Chloe had learned the truth about me, I had real hope that we might have a future together.

“Yeah, I know you do.” Disappointment and regret filled Jax’s tone. Then, with a shake of his head, he disappeared from the living room.

“Okay, ready?” I asked as if I hadn’t overheard their conversation.

“Yeah.”

We walked silently to my truck, and she climbed in, slamming the door harder than necessary. She hooked her seat belt and stared out the window. I started the truck but didn’t pull out of the driveway. I needed to say something to her, to let her know Jax was wrong. That while her eventual death would devastate me, I’d be okay. Which was a total lie, but if knowing that would make her feel better, then I’d say it until I was blue in the face. Yet, I couldn’t quite seem to make my mouth work.

We sat there for a good five minutes before she finally turned toward me. “Thought we were leaving,” she said.

I momentarily closed my eyes. “I heard what Jax said to you. He’s wrong, you know.”

“Is he?” She twisted to face me. “Is this”—she waved her hand between us—“even possible? Can a vampire really have a relationship with a human? I can never be what you are, Trent. So, at best, we stay together until I die. And at worst, we end this now.” Tears pooled in her eyes.

I wanted to kick myself for making her cry, and then I was going to kick Jax’s ass for saying all that stuff to her. I stared straight ahead, jaw clenched, lips set in a firm line.

“Is that what you want?” Finally, I turned to look at her. “To end this? Today?”

She bit down on her bottom lip, her tears coursing down her cheeks. I resisted the urge to pull her into my arms and comfort her, to tell her everything would work out and things would be fine. Those weren’t promises I could make, and now was our moment of truth. She knew all the important stuff about me, and now she needed to decide what to do.

“Because if that’s what you want, Chloe, I will take you home right now, and I won’t bother you ever again.” My voice was too level, too calm. “All you have to do is say the words.”

Her lips trembled, and she wiped her tears with a shaking hand.

“No,” she whispered. “That’s not what I want.”

The relief that crashed over me stole my breath and left my insides shaky. I hadn’t lost her. She wanted a relationship with me. And now I was going to do everything in my power to make things as easy and normal as possible for her. For us.