Chapter 18: Chapter Eighteen

Freya's POV

The training sword, at first, felt alien in my hand -- heavier and more unwieldy than I had imagined. I was also six months pregnant, and my balance was different, my center of mass changed in a way that made the basic forms Godric was trying to teach me felt awkward and strange.

“Don’t resist your body,” he said as he placed himself at my back and changed the way I was standing. His touch was light but firm when taking my arms and shoulders into new positions. “Lean into the counter-current, do not fight it. As you’re pregnant, your center of gravity is lower — use that advantage for stability rather than seeing it as a hindrance.”

I repeated the protective sequence, but this time I put my attention on how my body actually wanted to be moving rather than trying to push it into positions that felt terrible. The response was swift and surprising.

"Good," Godric replied, satisfaction infusing his voice. “You are braver than you believe, little wolf. If you trust your body, it knows what to do.”

I confessed as I dropped the practice sword. “We do not need to know how little luna fought! That I had the job of diplomacy and pack management whereas he took care of anything potentially dangerous.”

“Then, it had to be Ryan." Godric scoffed, snatching the blade from my hands and mimicking the next steps. His movements were poetry in motion and each strike and counter was written with a kiss of death. “A Luna that isn't strong enough to protect herself and her pack is a liability, not an asset. You ought to be able to stand beside your mate in a fight, not skulk behind his back.”

It was a heady idea – being the one who could be strong enough to protect, instead of always needing protection. Three years with Ryan, I’d felt like a fragile bauble that could shatter if treated too roughly. Here, taking lessons from Godric, I was learning muscles I didn’t even know were there, and instincts that had been buried far too long.

“Once more,” he said, returning the sword to me. “This time, give it some time to vigor. This is not dance practice — you are learning to kill.”

The cruel word should have shamed me, but I was thrilled by it with blood and soul. I brought the sword up higher and let all my strength drive me through the motions, picturing threats to my unborn child, to my new pack, even threatening this life I had managed to build. From the vein-electorates each was a significant and purposeful blow.

"Good," Godric breathed, his eyes purple with what looked like pride with a side of lust. “There’s the warrior I knew was in you.”

He has increasingly involved me in pack matters following our training sessions. What had begun as a courtesy—keeping his mate in the picture about important decisions—had become actual consultation. He sought my thoughts, debated strategy with me and slowly ceded to me genuine authority over pack operations.

"The grain delivery from Southern Pack is three days late," Maya announced at our weekly administrative meeting. "Do you think we ought to send scouts out?”

A map of the trade routes decorated the top of Godric's desk, which I pored over to check for any seasonally influenced changes in the travel time. “Do you know what the weather’s been doing over the mountain passes?”

“Fierce storms all week,” responded one of the senior wolves. "Could have delayed them significantly."

“Give them two more days,” I announced, and glanced at Godric for approval. "Should no help arrive, let a patrol be sent along the principal road. But I think they are just waiting for the weather to clear.”

He nodded approvingly. "Sound reasoning. Make it so."

The fact they were reacting so casually to my display of dominance should've been shocking to the other wolves, yet it seemed as though they were beginning to look to me for guidance just as naturally as that had sought it through him. Way different than my position with SilverFang, where they wanted me kissing Ryan’s ass on every decision above what to have for dinner.

“You are a natural leader,” Godric said to me later as we strolled through the pack village. Kids played in the street while their parents worked and a few would bow when we passed. "The wolves never question your instincts."

“It’s weird,” I confided as a group of teenagers worked through their shifting forms under an instructor’s close eye. “For so long, I saw myself in a role where I helped leaders out,”

“Not the one who threw herself at your feet,” I said quietly.

"No," he said, taking my hand as we strolled. “You’re becoming who you were meant to be. The question is: Do you like what you find?”

I thought about it while we walked back to the castle. The woman I was becoming was tougher, more headstrong, unashamed of saying what she thought or making things happen. She was actually somebody I respected, someone I could imagine following into battle, or with whom I might trust important secrets.

"I have nothing against her," I said finally. “For the first time in years, I actually like who I see in the mirror.”

We were sitting next to the fireplace in our private room. I remember it was that night when I had a rare barn-owl of complete peace come and settle on me. I read reports from pack divisions and Jake corresponded with neighbouring territories. Life on the home front was easy in a way it had never been with me — two of us working as one instead of one setting about doing what he can for another’s ambitions.

"Godric," I whispered, pushing aside my correspondence. The small things: “Can I tell you something and not have you try to fix it or make it better?”

He raised his head from his scrolls, violet eyes sharp immediately. "Of course."

I inhaled deeply, trying to summon the strength I needed to be vulnerable. "I'm scared. Not tomorrow’s challenge – I know you will win that. But I’m afraid of believing in this feeling between us. I’m afraid to think that someone else could love me as I am, and not how they would want me to be.”

He put his papers down and turned to look straight at me, all ears. "Tell me about the fear."

“With Ryan, I fought for three years to be perfect. The perfect Luna, always supportive, never demanding, beautiful but not intimidating. If I only were good enough, pure enough, devoted enough, nothing would touch what we had.” My voice broke just a little on the words. “But perfect wasn’t good enough when political necessity came knocking. All that love, all that sacrifice, didn’t matter when he had to choose.”

Godric was silent throughout, his face a picture of patience and comprehension.

“I’m turning into someone else now,” I went on. “Someone bigger, bolder, more complicated. And part of me is oh so afraid that when you get to see all of me – the anger, the drive, all those bits that aren’t soft and pliant – you’ll decide I’m not worth it either.”

The admission made me feel raw and vulnerable, like I’d shed all armor and was standing nude in front of his judgment. But Godric’s reply came swift and true.

“Petite louve,” he whispered softly, tenderly taking my face between his big hands. “I was in love with your strength, not your submission. I picked you because you withstood everything and anything for a glimmer of something good. Why on earth would I wish for you to get tinier now?”

"Because, technically speaking, most Alphas like their mates fucking docile," I said

"Most Alphas are not like me," he answered, his voice strong. “For 40 years, I’ve been surrounded by people who tell me what they think I want to hear. I need someone who can argue with me, tell me when I'm wrong, and walk alongside me as an equal, not follow behind like a child."

His thumbs stroked over my cheekbones, brushing away tears I didn’t know were there. “You’re not turning into someone else, Freya. You're becoming yourself. The woman you were always meant to be before the world taught you to shrink yourself for other people’s comfort.”

"What if myself isn't loveable?" Whispered it, even — because this was the worst thing I could ever imagine.

“And I shouldn’t love you then,” he replied, simply. “But I love you – not in spite of your complexity, but because of it. Not in spite of your strength but because of it. I admire the woman who can make tough decisions and stick to them. I love Luna , who battles for her pack even when it’s difficult. I love the mother who will go to any and all lengths for her child.”

His words enveloped me like salve, comforting wounds I'd carried for so long I had ceased to remember the experience of living without them.

“Love you too,” I replied, the words coming more naturally this time. "Not because you're my mate, not because you saved me from a real shit storm, but because you get me. Really see me, and somehow find that version of your life worth protecting.”

He kissed me then, and it was a kiss that was gentle and reverent, imbued with all his love. We parted out of breath.

“Everything’s going to be different tomorrow,” I said softly.

"Tomorrow changes nothing," he corrected. “Ryan’s challenge is one step of the last end of those ties, which were already broken. Regardless of what happens, we are facing it together.”

I snugged against his chest, and feeling the steady thumps of his heart beneath my cheek, I knew that for the first time in my adult life, I felt completely secure. Not the brittle security of being shielded and scripted but the sturdy security of being known and accepted fully.

Tragedy and loss could follow from tomorrow, but freedom, too, the chance to build something that was not imaginary.

I was ready for both.