Chapter 34: Suggestions

Jamal kissed Queenie deeply, pulling her closer to him.

His hand moved to the back of her neck holding her gently but firmly as he kissed her. He poured everything he was feeling into that kiss. All the frustration from earlier. All the possessiveness. All the need to make her understand that she belonged to him and only him.

After a few more seconds he broke the kiss.

They were both breathing harder now. Jamal rested his forehead against hers for a moment trying to catch his breath. His eyes were still closed savoring the feel of her so close to him.

Queenie looked away embarrassed.

Her cheeks were flushed and her heart was racing. She could still feel the warmth of his lips on hers. Still taste him. It made her feel things she knew she shouldn't be feeling. Things that scared her.

You should give me notice before you kiss me again, she said softly.

Her voice was barely above a whisper. She still couldn't look at him. Couldn't meet his eyes because she knew if she did he would see everything she was trying to hide.

Jamal chuckled.

The sound was low and deep. Almost amused. He pulled back slightly so he could look at her face even though she was avoiding his gaze.

Why do I need to ask for your permission first he asked softly.

There was something in his tone. Something playful but also serious. Like he was challenging her. Testing her to see what she would say.

Queenie turned to look at him.

She finally met his eyes and the intensity in them made her breath catch. He was looking at her like she was the only thing that mattered in the world right now. Like nothing else existed except the two of them in this car.

Jamal, you shouldn't treat me so nice. I think we should focus on why we got married. She said,

The words came out rushed. Like she needed to get them out before she lost her courage. She needed to put some distance between them. Needed to remind herself and him that this wasn't real. That it couldn't be real.

Jamal scoffed.

His expression changed slightly. The playfulness fading from his eyes. He leaned back in his seat but he didn't let go of her hand. His grip tightened instead.

Why, he asked.

His voice was flat now. Guarded. Like he was preparing himself for whatever she was about to say next.

I don't want to get addicted to you, making it difficult for me to leave when the time comes. I don't want to get too attached to you.

She paused trying to find the right words. Trying to make him understand without revealing too much. Without admitting that she was already starting to feel things for him that she shouldn't be feeling.

You don't want to fall in love with me so you suggest we keep our distance. Jamal asked.

He finished the sentence for her. His jaw was clenched tight now. His eyes searching her face trying to read her. Trying to understand what was really going on in her head.

Queenie nodded.

She couldn't say the words out loud but she confirmed it with that simple gesture. Yes. That's exactly what she was saying. She couldn't fall in love with him. Couldn't let herself get too deep into this fake marriage because when it ended it would destroy her.

What if I say no, he asked.

His voice was low. Almost dangerous. Like he was daring her to push this any further. Like he was warning her that he wouldn't accept what she was trying to do.

You shouldn't. I'm trying to protect myself here and save you the stress of getting rid of me.

She was trying to be practical. Trying to think with her head instead of her heart. This was a business arrangement. Nothing more. They both knew that going in. So why was she letting herself forget that now.

The marriage is nothing but fake so there's no need for us to make it feel so real when we're alone.

The words hurt to say. Hurt more than she expected them to. Because deep down she wanted it to be real. Wanted everything between them to mean something. But she couldn't admit that. Not to him. Not even to herself really.

We can save the romantic moment when we're in front of the people.

That's what they had agreed to after all. To play the part of a happy married couple in public. To convince everyone that their marriage was real and legitimate. But that was supposed to be it. Just an act. Just a performance.

But when we're alone I suggest we mind ourselves. Queenie said.

She finally pulled her hand away from his. Put some physical distance between them to match the emotional distance she was trying to create. It felt wrong. Felt like she was ripping something away. But she knew it was necessary.

Jamal laughed softly.

But there was no humor in it. It was a cold laugh. Almost bitter. He shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

You're really funny.

He turned to look at her fully now. His eyes were hard. Unreadable. Like he had put up walls of his own.

The contract clearly states that I can have you anytime I want. He said.

His voice was firm. Reminding her of what she had agreed to. Of what she had signed. She didn't get to just change the rules now because she was getting scared.

Queenie nodded, I won't go against that.

She knew what was in the contract. Knew what she had agreed to. And she would honor that. She wasn't trying to back out of her obligations.

We can keep it this way.

She took a deep breath trying to steady herself. Trying to lay out her plan in a way that made sense. In a way that would protect her heart while still keeping her end of the bargain.

I'll move into a different room then we can have sex 3 times in a week.

She forced herself to say it clinically. Like it was just another business transaction. Like it didn't mean anything more than that. Even though the thought of it made her chest ache.

Anytime you need me, I'll come to your room once we're done with it. I'll go back. We don't need to make a big deal out of this marriage.

She was trying to reduce everything between them to something simple. Something manageable. Something that wouldn't break her heart when it ended.

We should only care for each other when needed. Queenie said.

She finally looked at him again. Tried to keep her expression neutral. Tried not to let him see how much this was costing her. How much it hurts to suggest these things.

Jamal stared at her surprised.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Couldn't believe she was actually suggesting this. That she wanted to turn their marriage into nothing more than a cold arrangement. Meeting up for sex like it was an appointment. Like there was nothing between them at all.

If it were to be others that's in her position they'll be looking for a way to win his heart.

Any other woman would be trying to get closer to him. Would be using every opportunity to make him fall for her. To turn this fake marriage into something real. That's what he had expected. That's what he had prepared himself for.

But she wasn't. Instead she was trying to push herself away from him.

She was doing the exact opposite. She was trying to create distance. Trying to build walls. Trying to make sure nothing real developed between them. And it frustrated him more than he wanted to admit.

Jamal looked at her.

Tell me you're joking, he said.

His voice was tight. Strained. Like he was barely holding onto his control. Like he was giving her one chance to take it all back. To say she didn't mean any of it.

I'm not. Queenie replied.

Her voice was steady even though her hands were shaking slightly in her lap. She meant every word. She had thought about this. Had decided this was the best way to protect herself.

Jamal sighed softly.

He ran a hand through his hair frustrated. This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go. This wasn't what he had planned at all. Everything was falling apart.

You should scrape that idea out of your head Queenie.

His voice was firm now. Final. Like he was putting his foot down. Like he wasn't going to let her do this no matter how much she argued.

I'm not agree with that. He said.

He reached for her hand again. Pulled it back into his. His grip was tight. Possessive. Like he was physically trying to hold onto her. Trying to keep her from pulling away from him.