Chapter 28: Illusion

“I said I missed you, I never said I wanted you back,” West clenched his fist.

I gritted my teeth. “Don’t say that! Just say it! Bakit ba ang taas ng pride mo?”

Misunderstanding. Pride. Halos iyan lang ang problema naming dalawa sa isa’t isa. Hindi naman kami laging ganito pero malala naman kami kung mag-away.

“You? Did you miss me? Huh?” West glared at me.

“Yes! I missed you! Namiss kita!”

Hindi naman iyon maiiwasan.

Minsan naman, sa sobrang tamis ay lalanggamin ka na. Iyong tipong mapapaisip ka na lang kung baka kaya ka tuwang-tuwa ngayon ay iiyak ka na bukas.

“I love you,” I said, acting like I would kiss him.

“I love you more,” he kissed my forehead.

“I love me too!”

Ganoon na lang ang halakhak naming dalawa ni West sa pagsingit ni Sandy. I carried her and we both kissed her on her cheeks.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman ang nangyari sa kanilang lahat. Una akong nawala roon. Sunod ay si Ravenne na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin namin nakikita. Si Shivani at Midnighte ay couple na. Si Renzo at Wendy, bago pa man sila napunta roon ay naghiwalay na. Iyon ang alam ko, eh. Tahimik kasi silang pareho. Si Lycus… at si Siquiera. Pakiramdam ko, sila ang talagang malaki ang galit sa isa’t isa.

Siquiera flew to France when she regained strength. It was five years ago. Wendy is also a model in Paris. She left when she regained strength too.

West told me that they’re all heartbroken. He told me he’s thankful that I gave him a chance. I don’t regret it. He’s the best father ever.

Pareho kaming nasa balcony ng sarili naming bahay. Nakatingin siya paligid habang nakatayo. Sinasariwa ang hangin na dala ng mga puno. Nasa baba si Sandy at nakikipaglaro sa kaibigan niya kasama si Lycus na bumisita kahapon. Babalik na siya sa Uruguay bukas.

“What’s on your mind?”

He looked at me. He held my hand as we both stared at the every little thing that everyone can see… we did it… together.

“Dream come true,” he smiled. It’s a genuine smile. Umabot iyon sa mga mata niya. “Dati, pangarap ko lang na maging artista. Dati, pangarap kong magkaroon ng sariling bahay. Dati, pangarap kong maging successful at masaya sa future. Tapos dumating ka. Pangarap lang din kita noon, eh. I don’t know why I deserve this…”

“Why? Gusto mong magkaroon ulit tayo ng bagong buhay? Lifetime, I mean.”

“Hindi syempre. I’m just saying na… I’m happy, very very happy. Pero kung kailangan, okay lang ako. Basta kasama kita---” hindi na niya natuloy ang sasabihin dahil tuluyan na siyang umiyak. Tatawa-tawa ako habang niyayakap siya. “B-Bakit ka tumatawa?”

“Ako? Tumatawa? Imagination mo lang ‘yon,” sabi ko, pinipilit iseryoso ang mukha. “Tara, puntahan na natin si Sandy,” hinila ko ang kamay niya pababa ng hagdan.

Araw-araw, nagigising kami tapos una naming nakikita mukha ng isa’t isa. Him and Sandy, they’re my strength. I remembered that one time when Sandy asked me…

“Mommy, do I look like daddy?” It was the first time she asked that question to me after my conversation with Yekatirina. “Mommy, do I really have a daddy?”

Everytime she asks about her dad, I’m always trying my best not to cry. It’s just too hard to explain.

“You look like me,” I smiled and pinched her cheeks. “And your eyes… you both have the same eyes.” I brushed her hair while she’s watching a cartoon movie. “You have a daddy, baby… but we have to protect him…” if he’s still here, but… I don’t know.

She’s asking me a lot of questions.

“Mommy? Do you miss daddy?”

“Yes honey, I miss your dad—I really do. But we’re doing this to keep him safe okay?”

“Mommy I love daddy,” she’s now crying.

I wiped Sandy’s face with her handkerchief. “I love your daddy too. But I know he’ll hate me so much if we cross our paths again,” I started crying too.

That’s the first time my tears fell. I can’t see her like that. I gave birth to her alone. Without any friends or relatives beside me. I’m alone. Totally. There’s a lot of time, while I was pregnant with her, I feel like I’m dying.

“Lord please, I can’t take it anymore…” I shouted everything.

I got sick and I have to get my own medicine. I feel pain but I’m the only one I can depend myself to. I always cry myself to sleep. But then I realized nothing will change if I just keep crying so I tried.

But it became triple hard. But it was all worth it.

“You’re gorgeous but I think you should get more skinny? And I feel like you have a very pointed nose and it’s quite unrealistic…”

Everyday, every casting, I receive harsh words about my body. Luckily, there’s no stretch marks. But there’s scars…

“We can cover that with concealer, right?”

They covered my scars.

Everytime I went home, it’s always Sandy who makes me very happy. She always hugs me.

Sandy likes music. Baby pa lang siya ay kinakantahan ko na siya ng kantang “Walk With Me” ni Bella Thorne. Natutunan niya na rin itong kantahin.

“Mommy!” Agad na tumakbo palapit sa akin si Sandy. Muntikan niya pang isampal sa mukha ni Lycus ang hawak niyang Barbie na binili rin nito. Binuhat ko agad siya at hinalikan sa pisngi. She giggled.

“Are you having fun?”

“Yes! Tito Lycus told me he’s a macho dancer.”

“Huh? Macho dancer?” Nilingon ko si Lycus na tatawa tawa na parang tanga sa gilid. Napangiti na lang kaming dalawa ni West dahil sa kagaguhan nito. Hay nako.

“I heard you can sing a song, Sandy?” West asked kissing her forehead. “Would you sing me a song?”

Nagpabigat si Sandy. Alam ko na ang gusto niyang iparating. Gusto niyang bumaba. Tumayo siya sa harap ni West. Tapos naglahad ng kamay sa akin para may instruments siyang sasabayan mula sa YouTube.

“I wish I could stand on a star

I wish I could be where you are…

They say, don’t you ever give up

It’s so hard to be somethin’ when you’re not

But I have walked alone, with the stars in the moonlit night

I have walked alone, no one by my side

Now I walk with you, with my head held high

In the darkest sky, I feel so alive…”

Pumalakpak kaming lahat sa tuwa. She’s really good at singing. She likes it.

“Mommy I’m not done yet!” Ni-resume nito ang YouTube video.

I chuckled. “Oh I’m sorry, honey…”

“Adrift, a lonely little cloud

Above ground where I stand so proud

My face glowing loudly through the crowd

As I walk with the beauty of the night

But I have walked alone, with the stars in the moonlit night

I have walked alone, no one by my side

Now I walk with you, with my head held high

In the darkest sky, I feel so alive…

Nang tuluyan na niyang matapos ang kanta ay mas nilakasan namin ang palakpakan.

I’ve walked alone, no one by my side. There’s no one by my side that time but I have her. I walked with her.

But now, I walk with them. I walk with West and Sandy now. I can’t express how happy I am right now. They’re precious to me.

Hindi pa namin ina-announce sa publiko ang tungkol sa relasyon namin dahil gusto naming manatili iyong pribado sa ngayon. Ayaw namin ng panibagon gulo. Baka madamay pa ‘yung bata. About doon kay Clint…

“Clint pala ah,” West rolled his eyes.

“What? I told you, we never dated!” Depensa ko. “Ikaw lang ang nilandi ko buong buhay ko! Alam mo ‘yan, hoy,” dagdag ko pa. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

“Alam ko,” sabi nito sabay ngisi. Hinampas ko na lamang siya sa dibdib. Naiinis na.

Nilinaw na ni Clint sa publiko ang tungkol sa love life niya. Umamin siyang wala kaming relasyon at sa ngayon ay wala pa siyang balak ipakilala kung sino ang tinitibok ng puso niya.

Naghanap ako ng bagong agency. Ilang araw na akong kino-contact ng dati kong agency. Wala raw akong utang na loob. Isa lang naman ang hiniling ko sa kanila pero ginanon pa nila ako. So I’m here, sending bunch of emails to a lot of modeling agencies here on Chicago.

Bihira na kaming magkita ni Yekatirina dahil halos lahat ng ina-applyan niyang casting ay natatanggap siya. I’m so proud of her.

Ayos na ang lahat sa ngayon. Bumalik na sa lahat ang dati. Mas madali.

Kaso may kulang pa rin.

“Kailan tayo magre-reunion?” Tanong ko kay West habang nagluluto kaming dalawa. Nakaupo si Sandy sa quartz countertop at nakatingin lang sa amin.

“What is ‘Kailan tayo mag-onion, mommy?” Tanong ni Sandy.

“Baby, It’s ‘reuinion’ not onion baby,” pagtatama ko rito. “Do you want to see your other aunties?”

“Yes! When?” Excited na sabi nito. “Sandy excited!” She clapped and giggled.

Tumingin ako kay West nang magkamot siya ng kilay. “Ravenne… We still haven’t found her.”

“What about your sister? Shivani and Midnighte? We should atleast see them once. I miss them so much. But it’s fine though…” Ngumuso ako.

“Wendy’s coming back here next week. Siya lang ang nakakaalam kung nasaan ngayon si Ravenne. She said it’s a secret. Lester is nowhere to be found too. Maybe they got together again.”

“You think so? That’s good then.” Ngumiti ako. “Kanino ikakasal si Renzo? Imbitahan natin sila sa kasal natin next year.” I asked.

“Her name is Laurene.”

“Laurene..?” Pagpapatuloy ko pa, nanghihingi ng apelyido. “Laurene ano?”

“Laurene Lamar,” sagot niya tsaka pinatay ang burner.

“Salamat!”

“Thank you!” Ulit ni Sandy.

-

“Hi yes, tomorrow? Sure sure.” I nodded even though no one can see that nod because we’re only talking in call. “9AM? Yup. Got it. Thank you! See you tomorrow. Nice to meet you too, Ms. Clara.”

When the call ended, I smiled. I have a new agency now! And they want to meet up.

I told West about it. Sandy, too. Even though she clearly doesn’t understand a thing except that I have a new ‘family’ that’s what it’s called.

It’s 8:30AM when I got there. I’m wearing a white T-shirt and a black high waisted jeans. I asked the security guard where’s the meeting room and he gestured it using his hand. I thanked him and immediately went inside.

“Millane?” A girl, the agent asked.

“Hi good morning! My name is Millane Zcifera Crosette. Nice to meet you ma’am,” I greeted. “Thank you for giving me a chance to work with you.”

As usual, marami talaga silang tanong tungkol sa akin pero sinasagot ko ‘yon professionally. They ask me about my job, how long I’ve been modeling, the shows I’ve been with and many more. After that, they took polaroid shots and some photos of me. They measured my body including my height and weight, my waist, bust and hips.

They also introduced me to the other models there. Unlike the agency I used to work with, these people looks nice. They smiled at me and welcomed me there.

Until I saw a familiar girl.

“Hi! My name is Adeline Farida Abraham. You can call me Farrah since that’s the nickname they use to call me. Nice to meet you, Millane!” She offered her hand to me.

I didn’t even bother to accept it. I immediately hugged her. “Ravenne,” tawag ko sa kanya sabay ngiti habang magkayakap kami. Ngunit hindi pa ako nakakaabot ng ilang minuto sa pagyakap sa kanya ay agad niya akong tinulak. Mahina lang iyon, sapat na para mapalayo ako sa kanya.

“That’s not my name. Who are you?” Sumeryoso ang mukha niya.

“It’s me, Farrah, Mendiola,” pagpapakilala ko. “Where have you been? They’ve been looking for years—both of you and Lest---”

“Don’t say his name. It’s disgusting.” Galit nitong sabi sa akin. “Please don’t come near me again.”

Everyone gasped after she said that. She immediately left the room.

I was left there. Wondering what actually happened. I excused myself and left the room immediately too. I chased her.

“Farrah! Wait!”

“Leave me alone, Rackhie!”

“Farrah please!” Mas lalo kong binilisan ang pagtakbo. “Farrah please, let’s talk. Just for a minute please!” Doon lang siya huminto.

“Follow me,” she said and led the way. “Please. Please don’t tell your husband that you found me. Iyon lang, Rackhie. Ipangako mo sa akin,” sabi niya kahit hindi nakatingin sa akin.

Tumango ako. “Of course!”

I followed her until we reached a restaurant. She went inside so I went there too. She sat to a seat close to the door.

“Menu ma’am,” the waitress gave us a brochure.

I sat. “A water and…” Tumingin ako saglit sa brochure. “A pasta. That’s all, thank you. What about you?” I asked Ravenne.

“A pasta, also.”

Nang umalis na ang waitress ay nagsalita siya.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I’m just shocked and… I couldn’t think anymore. I’m really sorry. But please don’t tell anyone about me for now. I’m not ready.” She sighed. “How are you, Rackhie? Your face… changed.”

“Yeah… but I’m fine. Ikaw?”

“I’m never been fine,” she looked away. “But I’m healthy as horse and I’m still kicking.” She smiled at me.

“I have a daughter now, Farrah…”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Pardon?”

I smiled. “Nasa isla pa tayo noong nalaman ko. She’s turning five this year. She wants to meet you. What happened, Farrah? I still don’t understand a thing even if West already told me some things. I’m sure it’s not everything.”

“Well…” She sighed. “The island, it’s all an illusion. When we came back here, it’s nowhere to be found anymore. Shivani and Midnighte is almost killed. They’re tortured for a month. Siquiera lost her daughter. Renzo and Wendy… I better not talk about it. Ask them yourself. Me and… Lester… We already broke up. I guess you know about that already.”

“Wait… wait, hold on,” I couldn’t process it. It’s too much to take. “Shivani and Midnighte is tortured for a month? Why?”

“After three days when we left that fucking hell mansion of devils, West, Renzo, Wendy, Siquiera and Lycus escaped. Shivani could’ve escaped earlier too but she chose to be with Midnighte. I don’t know what exactly happened there. I don’t want to open their wounds so I didn’t bother asking them about it again. Besides, I never told anyone where I am except Wendy. I never saw you again.”

“What about Siquiera…” Naiiyak na ako. Napakaswerte ko at hindi ko ‘yon naranasan. Masakit iyon, sobra. “Is she okay? What exactly happened… Oh my god… I didn’t know.” Napatakip ako ng bibig. Gulat na gulat sa mga nalalaman ko.

“There’s more but I know it’s too much to handle. Maybe next time…”

Dumating na ang pagkain kaya kumain kami saglit. Walang nagsasalita sa amin. Tumutulo pa rin ang luha ko sa sobrang gulat. Nang matapos na kami sa pagkain ay nagsalita siya ulit. Nagpunas muna siya gamit ang tissue.

“Life fucked everyone. Including you and me. We left each other’s side. I never even imagined that I’d ever see you again until now.”

“I was searching for everyone… So that’s why I never seen everybody…”

“We reached our dreams… but we lost our inspiration. And it keeps… fucking me everyday.” She laughed sarcastically. “I never knew that would happen. I never imagined my future without him but here it is. I have no choice. I need to move forward o mapag iiwanan ako. But… I… can’t figure out if I miss him or not. I can’t define my feelings. I just feel hurt. That’s all.”