Chapter 25: Father

My heart sank.

“W-What did you say?”

“I-It’s Sandy,”

Agad kong inagaw iyong phone sa kanya. Doon ko nakita ang picture namin ni Sandy. Iyon ang picture namin ni Mrs. Peters. I greeted my teeth. I already know that this will happen. I already have a gut that she’ll post it but I don’t know why I still expected something from that girl.

“You’re all over news, do you want to watch it?”

“No.” I sighed. “We took the picture.”

“What?”

“We took that picture so I already know that it’ll be posted in social media.”

“But what about your career…”

“I’ll schedule an interview s-soon.”

“There’s another thing I want to say aside from this, Midnighte.”

“What? Another news?”

“No! Not that! This is a good news.” She smiled. “I don’t know how to say this because I know you’re not in the mood but I can’t stop myself from saying it. Actor, West Spencer Mendoza wants to meet you. Ah no, you’ve been chosen to be a part of their movie.”

“Wait what…” the actual fuck. “Can you say the name again? I don’t think I heard it right…”

“Yes! That popular actor of ‘Rising Sun’ wants to meet you!”

“I mean… the name…”

“Huh? West Spencer Mendoza. Why? Familiar with him? Of course. Who wouldn’t know him? He’s also from the Philippines like you!”

I froze. My heart was beating like crazy.

Hindi ako mapakali habang pabalik ako sa bahay namin. Mabuti na lang at nandoon silang dalawa ni Kat sa sofa.

Nanonood ng Nickelodeon sa TV si Sandy at si Kat naman ay nakatingin sa Laptop niya habang nakahawak sa bewang ng anak ko.

“Kat,” malalim ang pagbuntong-hininga ko. Hindi ko alam kung nakaka-ilang buntong hininga na ako ngayong araw dahil hindi ko na ‘yon mabilang. Niyakap agad nila ako nang makalapit sila sa akin. “Thank you.”

“What’s your plan now?”

“I already have a plan… but there’s something I never expected.” Tumingin ako kay Sandy na walang ideya sa pinag-uusapan namin. “I got the role I auditioned…” Sumimangot ako. Gustong-gusto kong magmura kung hindi lang nasa harapan ko ngayon ang anak ko.

Halo-halo ang emosyon ko.

“Woah! That’s great then, why do you look… like that?” She asked and pointed my face.

Napatakip ako ng mukha. “I never knew they replaced the former actor that played his role… Charlotte told me he’s playing the role. I never knew we’d met again and he’s fucking famous. I never saw him anywhere after the last time I saw him…”

“You mean..” napatakip din siya nang bibig.

“But that’s impossible, Kat, he’s gone… I saw it with my own eyes. It’s just the name that bothers me. How could they know him? Dis they steal his name somewhere?” Hindi ko agad namalayan na naluha na ako kung hindi ko pa naramdaman ang mainit na likido roon.

“What are you going to do now? What about the job? You have many pending interviews, castings, other guestings, commercials and… more… I couldn’t even count…”

“Let’s not talk about that for now, Kat. What matters the most… is how I clear Sandy, you and I’s name to the public.” Umupo ako sa sofa. “They think Clint and I had a child…” Natampal ko ang nuo ko. Napakarami kong problema. Patuloy pang nadadagdagan. “If I don’t speak up now… Something else might happen…”

“Why did you do that? Are you out of your mind?” Ruth Reighmann, our own CEO just shouted on me.

“Ma’am, I already told you about this. I can’t hide my child forever,” kalmadong sabi ko. Nagpipigil ilabas ang galit na tono.

Marahas siyang bumuntong hininga at gigil na gigil na lumapit sa upuan ko. Tumayo pa siya mula roon sa swivel chair niya para lang makaharap ako nang mas malapit.

“You’re our highest paid model, Millane. They won’t accept you when they find out you have a child. We can’t afford to lose you. I know you can’t live without your job either. You came up there too fast. We have so much to do in the future. Don’t you want that?” Compared to her tone earlier, it’s much calmer now.

“Of course I want that. I just want to tell it to the public. I’m a mother, I’m a woman and I can get pregnant if I want to. It’s my body and my life. If you can’t accept that then I’ll leave here as soon as possible.”

Agad akong tumayo roon sa inuupuan ko at akmang lalabas na nang bigla ako nitong pigilan. Ganoon na lang ang panlalaki ng mga mata ko nang biglang lumuhod ang CEO sa harap ko. Begging me not to leave the agency.

Umupo ako roon at pinatayo siya kahit na hindi pa rin ako makamoveon sa ginawa niya. Hindi naman ako kawalan sa kanila pag umalis talaga ako dahil marami pa namang magaganda, talented, mas matatangkad pang model kesa sa akin. Bakit parang ang importante ko?

“Millane please. We’ll pay you the full pay you got last month and for this month. Just stay here and don’t tell them you have a daughter. We’ll take care of it.”

Hindi ko na mapigilan ang mapairap. “I’m thankful for you guys believing me and making me experience being a model. But if you can’t agree with that thing then I’m done with you. I’ll schedule an interview for my statement.” Nang maiupo ko na siya pabalik sa swivel chair niya ay nagpagpag ako ng damit. “I’m done. Goodbye.”

Lumipas ang ilang araw at dumating na ang araw ng interview. Maraming gusto magtanong tungkol sa isyu na ‘yon kaya alam ko rin na maaaring umiyak si Sandy dahil hindi siya sanay sa ganoon.

Kaya ang ginawa ko, sa isang morning show na lang ako nag-guest at doon ay itinanong niya sa akin ang pinaka-searched na tanong sa akin ng mga tao mula sa Google. Sinamahan kami ni Kat. Nandoon sila at nakahalo sa audience.

Nakaupo lang ako roon at mukhang ayos lang naman sa kanila nang malaman nilang may anak ako kaya nabunutan ako ng tinik. Tinanong din nila ang tungkol sa agency pero nagsinungaling na lang ako at sinabing inaayos pa namin ang isyu tungkol doon. Hanggang sa…

“Okay, we understand you and we’re sorry you feel that way.” Madamdaming wika ng host na purong Amerikana. “Here’s the last one, who’s the lucky father of the kid?”

Doon na nagsigawan ang mga taong nandoon sa studio. Iyong iba ay napasinghap na. Iyon ‘ata ang tanong na hinihintay nila.

“First, I want to clear the issue between me and Clint. He already mentioned on his recent live video on Instagram that we don’t have a relationship. There’s only a few who watched the live so I guess some of you never heard it until now.” I smiled to the camera and the audience. “I will not mention the name of the father of her for their privacy,”

“Sure! Thank you for being with us today, Ms. Crosette! Hoping you the best.” Nginitian ako nito kaya ngumiti ako pabalik. “Ladies and gentleman, this is Sunrise America and we’ll be back for a few minutes. Up next!”

“Cut!”

Hoo. That’s a wrap.

Malawak ang ngiti ko nang niyakap ako ni Sandy. Binuhat ko siya at ipinakita sa audience na naroon. Kinakausap din siya ng mga host doon at tuwang-tuwa sila kay Sandy.

“Mommy I want ice cream,” bahagyang hinila ni Sandy ang dulo ng jacket ko nang papasok na kami sa kotse.

“That’s bad for your teeth baby,” pinunasan ko ang gilid ng labi niyang may cheese pa ng french fries na kinain niya kanina sa studio. “We’ll eat foods that can make you full. Not foods that makes you sick, okay?”

“But mommy I want ice cream!” Pagmamaktol niya pa. Nagpapadyak-padyak na siya roon at sumisigaw na. Malapit na siyang umiyak. Napatingin ako sa mga tao sa likuran namin na gusto lang naman magpapicture pero nagulat dahil sa pagsigaw ni Sandy.

Kaaalis lang ni Kat kanina, paglabas namin ng studio para pumunta sa isang casting. May date rin sila ng boyfriend niya bukas at puno ang schedule niya this week kaya next week pa kami ulit magkikita.

Ipapasok ko na sana siya sa loob ng kotse para  hindi na nila marinig ang sigaw niya pero nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong nilusutan. Tinakbuhan niya ako!

Maging ang mga tao ay nagsigawan at sumunod pa sa aming dalawa ni Sandy na naghahabulan. Napamura ako nang gumilid siya. Nasa tabi pa naman kami ng kalsada. Kabadong-kabado ako. Napakabilis niyang tumakbo!

Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang may lalaking nakatakip ang mukha gamit ang shades at facemask. Naka-full black siyang kasuotan kahit na ang buhok niya. Sa kanya bumangga si Sandy! Paano kung kunin niya ang anak ko? Iyon na nga lang ang nagpapaalala sa akin kay West na nasa akin pa. Mawawala pa?

Pero hindi. Huminto ‘yung lalaki at nagpamulsa. Unti-unti siyang bumaba para makapantay ‘yung bata. Ang mas lalong ikinagulat ko muntik nang mahulog si Sandy! Mabuti na lang at nasalo niya.

Natahimik ang lahat nang matanggal ang shades noong lalaki. Maging ako ay napahinto sa pagtakbo nang makita ko ang pamilyar na mata nito. Pakiramdam ko ay lahat ng tao sa paligid ay nawala. Tanging silang dalawa lang ang nakikita ko.

A-Am I… hallucinating?

“W-West?” I almost whispered.

Hawak niya si Sandy sa kanang kamay niya at nasa kaliwa naman ang isang water bottle na wala pang bawas.

Tumingin siya sa direksyon ko nang ituro ako ni Sandy. Tinanggal niya na ang face mask niya dahil may nakakita na pala sa kanya. Doon ko nakumpirmang siya nga ‘yon.

Napabalik ako sa hwisyo nang mas lalong umingay ang mga tao. Buhat buhat ni West si Sandy pero nang makalapit ako ay agad kong kinuha ang anak ko sa kanya.

“Let’s go home, Sandy. We’ll talk about this later.” Binigyan ko siya ng blangkong tingin. Ganoon din siya sa akin.

He's wearing an army green plain t-shirt covered with a black lether jacket and a plain black loose fit jeans partnered with his Versace Trigreca Sneakers.

While both I and Sandy is wearing a plain pink off shoulder dress.

Nagkislapan ang mga camera sa aming tatlo.

Fuck, katatapos ko lang sa isang issue, baka meron na naman? Hindi talaga maubos-ubos ang problema ko. Nakakainis. Kung pwede lang itapon ko ngayon ang sarili ko sa bangin eh. Kaso hindi pwede.

Buhat-buhat ko si Sandy habang nagmamadali kaming pumasok sa loob ng kotse. Pagkatingin ko sa labas para sana tingnan kung saan napunta si West ay hindi ko na siya makita dahil ganoon na lang ang pagdagsa ng tao roon. Napakaraming camera ang nagsilabasan.

Sabay pa kaming napasinghap ng driver ko nang biglang pumasok sa kotse namin si West. Hingal na hingal siya habang tinatanggal ang leather jacket niya.

“I-I’m sorry for randomly coming inside. Can I stay here for a while? I forgot my car and there’s plenty of—”

“Sandy,” hindi ko na pinansin ang sinasabi niya. Kinausap ko na lang ang anak ko tungkol sa ginawa niya at kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa aming dalawa kung gagawin namin ulit ‘yon. Nakanguso naman siyang tumatango kapag sinasabihan ko siya ng ‘don’t do that again, okay?’ nakayuko rin siya at nagsosorry kaya niyakap ko agad siya. “Let’s go, where are you headed---”

“Take me somewhere else. I’m not headed to somewhere. I just want to enjoy my life for a bit then I saw her.” Nginuso niya si Sandy. “Is that your daughter, Ms. Crosette?” titig na titig siya kay Sandy na para bang lumulutang na ang isip niya habang nakatingin sa anak ko… namin.

“Y-Yes,” I answered. I don’t know. It felt like I have a something on my throat.

“She’s so cute,” nginitian niya ito.

“Thank you,” nahihiyang sabi ni Sandy at isinubsob ang mukha sa dibdib ko. Hinimas ko ang likuran niya.

West just chuckled. How could he be so gorgeous? Now I know why I didn’t recognize him at first. He changed a lot. I never saw his name on magazines, TVs, internet… I lost hope. I never thought I’d meet him again.

I silently thanked God when she didn’t ask the question she used to say whenever she met a guy.

“Mommy, does he look like daddy?”

Oh fuck.

“Baby…” Napalingon ako sa gawi ni West nang mapansin kong nakatingin pa rin siya sa amin. Tumikhim muna ako bago muling nagsalita. “N-No. No, baby,”

Sandy frowned.

She’s only three when she started asking questions like that. It all started when I opened up to Kat about me and West. She asked me if does Sandy looks more like him or me. Sandy heard that and whenever we met a guy, she’s asking if that guy looks like her daddy…

Yumakap ulit si Sandy sa akin. Samantalang si West ay nanatiling nakatitig sa akin.

Ano bang Iniisip nito?

Nakakailang.

“What? Do you need something?” I asked, raising my brow.

Doon sumeryoso ang mukha niya. Ewan ko kung bakit ako kinabahan doon. Humarap na siya kaya medyo nakahinga ako nang maluwag. Basta, nandoon pa rin ang hindi mapaliwanag na kaba.

It only took us an hour to get home. Since West and I will work together in the future, I invited him home since he looks like he don’t want to get home himself.

“Please sit here,” I gestured my hand to the sofa. I smiled but he didn’t smile back.

I feel like he’s kind of rude.

Umupo naman siya roon.

“What do you want to eat?” I asked him.

“Nothing, I’m full,” he answered, still giving me a blank space look just like the first time I saw him.

I still managed to keep my smile, “Uhm, what about drinks? Are you thirsty?”

Itinuro niya iyong water bottle niya na wala pa ring bawas hanggang ngayon. “I’m not thirsty.”

Tumango-tango ako.

If he doesn’t want any of that… Why’d he come here? To talk? For what?

“I want to talk to you,”

Umupo ako sa tabi niya para makausap ko siya nang maayos. Pagkaupo ko ay nakita ko ang pagtaas-baba ng adam’s apple niya ewan ko ba kung nagha-hallucinate na naman ako pero nakita ko talaga ‘yon.

“For what?” Plastic akong ngumiti.

If only he doesn’t look like him and they don’t have the same name. Ameer ks an actor and West is an actor too. I don’t know what to think. Is it possible that it’s just a coincidence? Or it’s really him? But I saw him there… he fell. I fell.

I always think about him everyday. I miss him everyday. I always reminisce every piece of our past and I couldn’t fucking move on. It’s not only because we have Sandy, it’s also because I loved him so much.

Why do they have to bring back my memory if I’d lost him later? Why is life so cruel to me?

What did I do? Why do I have to experience this? Where did I go wrong?

Sandy doesn’t deserve to grow up without a father. I grew up without a father since the first time I was born, second time, third time… fourth time. I keep reincarnating if that’s what they call it. I promised myself my child wouldn’t experience the same experience I’ve been through but here… Everyday I’m watching her ask every stranger if they lose like her father or where did her father go.

But I can’t do anything.

“What do you want to talk about?” Napabalik ako sa hwisyo nang maalala kong kausap ko nga pala ang isa pang West. Hindi ako pwedeng magdrama rito ngayon.

Hindi naman siguro siya si West, ‘di ba?

“Sandy,”

“What?” I asked. Making sure if I heard the right word.

“I want to talk about Sandy,” seryoso nitong sabi.

“Why? What about Sandy?” Fuck. Is it him? Am I not hallucinating? Is it really him? But that’s imposible!