Chapter 137: Divided

Halfway through the study, Lily returned from a weekend with the Harringtons troubled.

“How was it?” Rowan asked.

“Fine. Good. I don’t know.”

“That’s specific.”

Lily dropped her bag on the floor and flopped onto the couch. “Hannah asked me something.”

“What?”

“If I’d be okay with spending summers there. The whole summer. In Connecticut.”

Rowan’s stomach clenched. “What did you say?”

“That I’d think about it. But I don’t know what to think.”

“Do you want to spend summers there?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? Hannah and I are really close now. And David’s been trying. Catherine’s even being nice. But it feels like—”

“Like if I chose them, I was choosing them over us?”

“Yeah.”

Rowan sat on the couch next to her. “It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can have both families.”

“But what if you need me here? What if Oliver needs me? What if Emma—“

“What if you need something for yourself? That’s okay too.”

Lily pressed her head against Rowan’s shoulder. “I feel so guilty. Like I’m leaving you after everything you did for me.”

“You’re not leaving anyone. You’re a teenager who wants to meet her biological family. That’s normal.”

“Nothing about my life is normal.”

“That’s fair. But your feelings are normal.”

Rowan talked it over with Asher that night.

“She should do it,” Asher said.

“The whole summer?”

“Why not? She’s fourteen. She’s got to have space to figure out who she is. Staying with the Harringtons during the summer will give her that space.”

“But Emma will be devastated. And Oliver—“

“Will miss her. We’ll all miss her. But she’ll come back. And she’ll be more solid in both families.”

“What if she decides she likes them better?”

“Then we’ll cross that bridge. But Rowan, you can’t keep her tethered to you because you’re afraid to lose her. That’s not love. That’s possession.”

The words stung because they were true.

Emma’s response was exactly what Rowan expected.

“The whole summer? But what about all our summer plans?”

“We’ll still do them. Just without Lily.”

“But she’s supposed to be here. She’s my sister.”

“She’ll still be your sister. She’ll just be in Connecticut.”

“It’s not the same.”

Emma was right. It wasn’t the same. But Rowan couldn’t say that.

For the next week, Lily bounced between excitement and guilt. She’d make plans with Hannah, then cancel them because she felt bad. She’d tell Rowan about summer in Connecticut, then hide in her room.

“You have to make a decision,” Rowan finally said. “And until you do, no one’s going to be happy.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Then you’ll never make a decision. Someone is always going to get hurt. The question is—what do you need?”

“I need both families.”

“Then have both. Summers with them, school year with us. Visit when you can. FaceTime all the time. It’s not ideal, but nothing in this life is.”

“You really think that’ll work?”

“I think it can if we’re all committed to making it work.”

Lily made her decision. Summers with the Harringtons. Starting this summer.

Emma cried. Oliver didn’t understand why Lily was packing. Rowan had put on a convincing “that’s what she wants” face and wanted to strangle Lily and lock her in her room.

“This is for your own growth,” Asher said when he heard. “For all of you.”

“Growth is no fun. I want stagnation.”

“No, you don’t.”

The night before Lily left, Emma crawled into bed with her.

“Are you going to forget about me?”

“Never. You’re my sister. That’s not going to change.”

“But you’ll have new friends there. Hannah’s family. You won’t need me.”

“I’ll always need you. You’re the one who showed me what it meant to be part of a family.”

“Really?”

“Really. Hannah’s my biological sister. But you’re my real sister. They’re not the same.”

Emma hugged her tightly. “Come back, okay?”

“I promise.”

The drive to Connecticut was a funeral march. Lily sat in the backseat, nervous and excited. Rowan gripped the steering wheel, fighting the urge to turn back.

The Harrington house was even bigger than Rowan remembered. More imposing.

David was at the door when they arrived. “Thank you for this. For trusting us with her.”

“Take care of her.”

“We will. I promise.”

Hannah came into view then. She snatched Lily’s bag. “Come on, I’ll show you your room. We painted it purple. Your favorite.”

Lily looked back at Rowan. “You’ll call?”

“Every day. Twice a day if you want.”

“And you’ll come visit?”

“Whenever you need me.”

They hugged. Lily clung to Rowan for a long time.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, baby. So much.”

Watching Lily walk into that house was one of the hardest things Rowan had ever done. Every fiber of her being wanted to grab Lily and haul her back home and keep her safe there.

But she didn’t.

Because this was what Lily needed. Space to figure out where she fit. The freedom to love both families without guilt.

The drive home was quiet. Rowan cried somewhere around the Connecticut border and managed to pull herself together by the time she reached the Bronx.

Emma was at home waiting. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. Happy, even.”

“Are you okay?”

“Not really. But I will be.”

Oliver toddled over, eyeing the empty car seat. “Yee-yee?”

“Lily’s at her other house. She’ll be back soon.”

“Yee-yee!” Oliver’s face crumpled. He didn’t understand.

The house was too empty that night. Too quiet. Wrong.

“This is what it feels like to let go,” Asher said when she told him.

“I hate it.”

“I know. But you did the right thing.”

“Did I? Or did I just make it easier for them to take her from me?”

“She’s not being taken. She’s choosing. There’s a difference.”

“What if she chooses them?”

“What if she does? Then we love her from wherever she is. That’s what parents do.”

Lily called that night. Excited, practically vibrating over the phone with plans. Hannah had arranged art classes. David was teaching her to sail. Catherine had opened a college savings account.

“They’re really trying,” Lily said. “It’s nice.”

“That’s wonderful, sweetheart.”

“But I miss you already. And Emma. And Oliver.”

“We miss you too. But we’re okay. You go have a good summer.”

After Lily hung up, Rowan sat on the edge of Lily’s empty bed and stared at the made bed and the cleared desk. Everything so empty. Everything waiting for Lily’s return.

“She’s coming back,” Rowan said aloud to the empty room. “She has to come back.”

But even as she said it, she knew the truth.

Lily would come back. But she would be different. More fragmented. Torn between two families, two lives, two versions of herself.

Just like Rowan had been.

And all Rowan could do was love her through it.

Even when it hurt.

Especially when it hurt.