Chapter 439: 1-3

"I - I - we - we - when Kieran came home, I called Jerry. I let him know that Kieran was home, he - he sounded so relieved..." because he had found Kieran again, he thought silently, as he now replayed everything in his mind with new insight. "Said he'd be right over - but then we - we had to leave... we drove - all night and then I called him again, we - we needed money and again the people following us, they found us again," I was giving him our location, he knew what was - I had it wrong. With crazy eyes Tony shook his head, "I thought - assumed that the Elders, the people that were watching us were spying, getting information covertly - but - but it could have been Jerry the whole time?" he finally stilled; his eyes bore expectantly into Grants. On the precipice of wanting confirmation that he was right, and wanting Grant, anyone to contradict the heinous truth, Tony waited, his heart slowly falling apart and the pieces of his mind bending beyond it's capabilities. Before I could even contemplate or decide consciously to do this, I leaned back against Gabriel, wanting his support, why didn't Jay react like this? Carla and Tony may have acted and behaved wrongly, but they were misguided. Now with the truth beating him down slowly, Tony wasn't behaving like Jay, he wasn't sticking up for Jerry, not over his own child. He wanted us to tell him he was wrong, that he had pushed it a bit too far, but Tony had yet to even consider the fact that Kieran was making this up. "He" Tony cleared his throat, eyes wet, teeth grinding, his jaw resembling Kieran's more now than ever, "Kieran, he doesn't think that we knew? That we let it — that — happen to him? Right? He knows we wouldn't — that we," his body spasm as he tries to pull himself together, especially when the next memory hits him hard and it takes my own breath away. I have to avoid his eyes, 'Kieran,' he said his tone serious as he approached his son, halting when Kieran seemed to become lifeless his eyes empty, 'please don't hurt me,' Kieran uttered but after that, his face took on some sick, defeated and resigned expression. Backing away, sick to his stomach then, with more information, the sorrow he felt, the red hot anger that boiled inside of then, resurfaces now. Still calm as ever Grant takes a step closer to Tony, while Tera remains frozen against the wall, her eyes wide as she listens, "I wasn't — based on what we knew from the others — this wasn't what we thought happened. It's easy to see that Kieran as a child, even though they did experiments, things to make him forget you, I think he willingly chose to forget you..." Tony stood still, his body slightly shaking, swaying as the words Grant spoke took purchase in his mind. "It was easier — for anyone it would have been easier to forget the past, so that his current state, what was being done to him, his mind couldn't process that someone so close to him was hurting him in such a way. Whether or not Kieran knows you weren't involved or approved this happening, isn't — that's not on his mind. He doesn't blame you for anything, he puts the blame solely on himself, because he didn't listen." Grant stumbled to explain, but I could understand from my own situation the words he spoke. "It's conditioning, training," I blurted out, "the small part of your brain, that tells you, this isn't normal, you push it away... you have too because it's your reality. Being punished, is the reality of the situation and the easiest way to cope, to survive is by pushing away frivolous things. Putting aside what you want, what you dream of and lowering your expectations so low, that you can't be disappointed." The room turned to face me, but I wasn't done, "Do you know how much easier it is to believe that you're getting what's coming to you, because — because the alternative, is that someone is beating you for no reason. And in your sick and twisted mind, you start to play along, because that is all you can do. You try to be the best at the games they play, but you can never win, and then that takes a toll on you and then when you've hit that new low, that level where you fail time and time again, you finally just accept the truth. Their truth, I was bad, good for nothing, unable to learn, that is why I was hurt." "I walked around for nearly two years tripping over myself, trying to keep all the "good training" I got from my abuser, until I was so tired because all that training, it didn't even apply to the real world. But when you're under their thumb, you have to see things how they want you to see it, I didn't see my abuse as abuse until three years after it. I saw it as "training," because it's easier to call it training-" "Like Kieran calls it punishment," Carla finished, her hands twitching at her side. I nodded confirming it, "He had me so tied up and do you know what he played on the most?" "The pictures of my family, pictures and videos of them laughing, having the best time at whatever they were doing as a family, showing me what I couldn't have but wanted, until the pain got easier to accept when I stopped wishing for it. Until it was dull, I didn't want to be a part of that family so what did he do? He just found something new to hurt me with..." 'How can I even keep you as a mate,' Leo's voice sounds in my head and I close my eyes, as Gabriel tightens his hold on me. Mine, he pushes into my mind, chasing Leo away. I sigh and continue, "Even though you tell Kieran, you had nothing to do with it, and it's the truth, his mind isn't at the right time for you to just tell him that. He's been told so much, he's smart, and he just has to figure it out-" "Which... I believe he is," Grant interrupted, "You ran with him when he was expecting you to send him back to the facility, to him it doesn't make any sense that you sent him away the first time like they told him. But he was "bad" that day he ran away and you guys didn't send him back-" "He — he thinks we would have sent him back?" Carla choked, her hands lifting to her mouth shakily. Grant nods, "he — Chelsea's right, he made up little outs, backwards thinking... you didn't come for him because he was bad. He was bad, and needed to be there until he was good. He was punished because he was bad, but eventually he'll be good again." "It's so childlike..." "He — Kieran might be physically fifteen, but mentally that growth stopped, he's only now just feeling at ease, but this — I think out of everything — Jerry abusing him, taking him from all of you, I think that is the piece of everything that is just more than his six year old mind could handle." Tera releases a sob, her voice cracking the silence, her body jerking despite her efforts to calm down, almost make herself invisible. All of a sudden, ugly, black horror flashes into Tony's eyes. His face turns red from his hairline down his face, neck to under his shirt I would believe. Stalking over to his daughter, he pulls Tera against him, his mind warring with itself, the curiosity burning inside, not Tera too... please not Tera too. Chelsea? A voice calls out to me — Oakley — strained, weak. Help me.