Chapter 429: 1-6

"Yes," he whispers softly. "Well the man... he had been trying to track me down, he found me and locked me inside of that same room." I make sure we are making eye contact now. "That is where my hell started Kieran, in that room." He says nothing, and I think he's holding his breath at that moment. I continue, I want to share this with him, let him know that he isn't alone; he thinks that he has something to be ashamed of, but nothing that was done to him is his fault. "He - Leo - that is the name of the man, he started to train me..." I swallow thickly, "you see I was a very bad girl Kieran, I couldn't do anything right. I didn't stand straight enough, I didn't hold still, I didn't cook right, I didn't wipe up my own blood from the floor correctly, I couldn't even count when Leo would tie me to the table face down and whip me, for my own good." My stomach turned over and over again, "I had to count to myself the amount of time I took in the shower, because if I was just one second over, I had to be beaten until my back was raw and burning." "The beatings would get so bad, but you know what? I was the reason they got that bad, that's what Leo told me, but I still tried, I gave all I could, just to not screw up, to do as he said because he was training me to be a good girl." The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I'm thankful that I got rid of that animal. With tears in my eyes I continue, "And Let me tell you, I was such a bad little girl Kieran, that Leo would take pictures of my biological father and place them underneath me so that when I looked down as he beat me for what I did wrong, I could watch how happy he was with my half siblings. And as Leo punished me and trained me, he told me and then would ask me, why he was doing what he was doing to me." "He just wanted to 'train me, for me to be a good girl,' that's what he wanted me to say, and for just over three years, he abused me regularly, but the very last time he abused me, he took a paddle, tied me face down, and broke my arms, a few ribs, my ankle... and then when that wasn't enough abuse he took a knife and carved the three lines you saw on my back," I finish and by then tears are dripping down my face, and I refuse to wipe them. I refuse to feel embarrassed or ashamed for what was done to me. With his own tears falling down his face, he just blinked, his mind truly a revolving door of thoughts. "What's worse... is that after everything, when I was finally free from him, I couldn't stop with all his teachings... all the things he had trained into me, I couldn't stop it. I thought - I was afraid - afraid that he would come back and I would forget all the training he did. I didn't see that I was free from him, or that I was getting another chance at life. I was fearful that he was coming back so I continued as though he was still around in my life." "I counted when I shower, sometimes I still do it. I make sure that I only spend a certain amount of time in there. When I eat, he used to time me, and even though the numbers changed - his go to amount of time was thirty minutes... so sometimes when I'm anxious I count, and when I get to thirty, I can't eat any more, anything in my mouth after that time has ended makes me feel sick." Inhaling and exhaling a body shuddering sigh, I take a moment to collect myself, "I was so afraid that Leo would get me, that I hid, I never went to school and since the man that adopted me was able to provide me with tutors I had them come to me. I had no friends, the only people I had around was Dad, Jack, Casey and our cook Helen. Sometimes we had Mikael over, but no one else." "Even after the abuse stopped, I couldn't - wouldn't see myself as I should - stop being afraid, of having nightmares, and believing what Leo said was true, because I had to be the bad girl he said I was Kieran. I couldn't - he had to be right, and I had to be bad because the alternative was that I was abused by this man for no other reason than he was bat-shit-crazy." He blinked wiping his face, "And that was hard for me to accept, that it was never about me, the mind games, the training and punishment, everything I endured was for nothing. It was never about me, it just happened to be me, and worse it could've been anymore. But I needed to believe that it was because I was bad, and I continued to try to be good because to me, in my state of mind, his warped speeches made sense." My heart beats quicken, and I feel as though my lungs are being flattened, but I continue to share with him, "The little girl in the pictures he showed me, she was smiling happily with her father, because she was a good girl. I wasn't... he knew my weaknesses Kieran. He knew that I was found in a dumpster, he knew that, the family that had wanted me, gave me away because they wanted their own child, he had pictures of the type of family I wanted, would have done anything to be in when I was younger. And he used everything he could against me, until I wanted him to 'train' and 'punish' the bad out of me, because I was the problem..." "But that's what abusers do Kieran, they find your weaknesses and they make you internalize the bullshit they feed you, until you think just as they want you too and you believe that you're being hurt because you deserved it, when in reality that couldn't be further from the truth." "No one, whether good or bad, innocent or a mistake maker, no one deserves the type of treatment that we've endured. I learned eventually that it wasn't me, it's not my fault and I was the child, the adult, they are the ones to blame. They are the ones that should have known better, not me. Never me. It's not easy to come to that conclusion either, it's hard, because for a while all I had inside my head, was what Leo told me, and I held onto that so tightly that I almost missed the chance to grow, to be nothing like the weak, scared little girl he thought he had control over." I couldn't stop; I wanted him to really take everything I was saying in. Sniffling he looked down, away from me, and I rested back trying to gain back my own composure that I had lost somewhere around the first sentence. Sighing heavily I leaned forward, sitting at the edge of my seat, "Kieran, before I go... I have one more thing to say, okay?" he nodded not looking up and I knew it was because he didn't want to appear weak, but I would leave that alone, I wouldn't discuss his thoughts with him, he wouldn't be comfortable with that and I knew it. "For a long time, maybe even up until I met Gabriel... the scars on my back, I was ashamed of them... I thought - especially when I had just been released from the hospital - that they were just proof of how bad I was, a way for everyone too see what Leo saw," I whisper the words as though they are a deep dark secret. My eyes wet again, "But... now... everyday... I feel less and less like that little girl he abused... I've grown, it wasn't easy, but I wanted it Kieran. I wanted more than he said I could have... that no one would love me, I have love. I have Gabriel and Ava, and I have a family... it might not be completely biological, but I have people that care about me. I have that scar on my back but you want to know what?" He finally looked up at me helplessness in his eyes, sorrow deeper than I could even grasp, "I'm here and Leo, he's dead... that's how much stronger than him I was. He's gone, and I'm the one alive!" I pointed to my chest, my voice shaky but full of conviction. Standing I walked to the door, turning around to face him, "My dad - Jason - what helped me a lot, was he would repeatedly tell me, 'Chelsea the greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse,' it's a quote, talk with Grant about what that means..." he nodded his head, his eyes red and for now his normally equally mixed grayish blue eyes, seemed just blue. "Don't let the white coats win Kieran, they already took so much away from you, don't let them have anymore," I whispered before slipping out of the room, turning to my right there was Gabriel, his arms wide open, waiting for me. Home.