Chapter 406: 1-1

Chapter 49.1 - Russell POV Fatherhood was something I had prepared myself for numerous times in my life, each time never making to actually ever holding my newborn child in my arms. Only having in-utero photos to cherish, but never a healthy, newborn with unexpected charm, personality and wide eyes. I lifted my son from his crib, placing him in the carrier, in front of my chest, "Shh... my little night owl," I bounced him a bit, stepping from the room and heading for a cup of coffee. Softly walking down the stairs, I could hear the faint heartbeats of those in the house, the sound of the breeze cutting through the trees, the hum of the fridge and just about - well literally - everything else. Slipping into the kitchen I wasn't surprised to find my father already making each of us a cup, "You know... I think Rusty is the most like you - well like you were when you were a child," he says before I even really made it a foot inside. "Taking him out for a walk?" "Yeah," I murmured talking the cup he pushed towards me, heading for the door, "Mind the company?" "Nah, you can come along," I said truthfully. It had become something I did around midnight since we had gotten McKenna back. Out of Rusty, Catalina, and Livvy, Rusty, would wake up fussy around the same time each night. With three the same age, I took whatever opportunities I could to bond with them one on one. Warm bottle for Rusty and coffee in his hands, Dad and I left the house, walking along the path, quietly sipping our warm beverages, despite not needing them in this heat. I sighed, smiling down at Rusty, his eyes wide as he moved his head around from side to side, taking in everything into his curious little mind. It reminded me of Angel. Although lately, everything reminded me of her, I'd been a wolf for nearly two weeks now, McKenna as well. It was a bit strange and overwhelming, hearing my wolf Cirus was one of the biggest adjustments I had to make of all. His input on everything was staggering as well as the need to be around Angel, something I had felt without Cirus but now the need was exponentially greater. The island and our overall proximity reminded me greatly of the time we spent in Germany alone, her getting accustomed to me, learning things she hadn't before. When we first arrived and things settled I noted that Angel was back, but also more than before. It was hard to put my finger on it at first, but now I see that she was building a personality outside of that battered, starving girl chained outside that Declan and I had found on our hike. "Our mother and I have been so caught up helping those children here... how have you been?" I snorted as we strolled down the beach. How was I? After nearly three hours of excruciating pain, worse than any of the tattoos' that covered my body, worse than being hit with a bat repeatedly. All things worse than that, considering it hurt when one bone was broken, having all of them done in the span of three hours? Torture. "I mean... you're so busy with your children... and Angel?" he says unsure, after learning from McKenna just how she now felt about Jack, he knew I was bound to be experiencing that all encompassing need and fear multiplied as well. But the thing was, the way I saw Angel had changed but I was beginning to think that she no longer wanted me the way I now wanted her. The way I probably felt at first but pushed aside because a relationship or the viewing Angel in a romantic fashion wasn't socially acceptable. Not when her mind was horrifically scarred and childlike. "You gonna give your old man an answer?" Dad teased next to me, and Rusty jumped and grunted against my chest, "There you go," I shot back, "Answer given." I smiled in the dark, my enhanced night vision - his silent smile noticeable. "Things are... I - I didn't know love like this dad..." I struggle to put my feelings into words that make sense of the chaos in my mind, "I mean... I don't - I don't think - or have never - felt love like this, its greater, the feeling as a man to protect his children, but also the added worry I feel from that beast side now to protect them... Angel too." And with that I feel like I've exposed some deep dark secret that can only be revealed at night in the darkness - hidden. Dad remains silent, giving me time to air my burdens, something I place in my mind, something I hope that when the day comes my children can do for me, come to me. "I think I've always been in love with her," whispered secret comes out, "I told you guys that, I did. We were alone out there in the middle of nowhere and Declan kept his distance and even when Catalena joined us, she gave Angel and I space. But her trust was so enduring, she was at my mercy dad and still she was just so open with me, I feel like I loved her without even knowing I had loved her any other way than caregiver," the wind takes my words. "Feels odd to you still?" Dad asks after a moment of silence, his voice no louder than my own, I shake my head, before realizing he probably can't see it as well I can in the slight darkness. Still I think of the words, I think of the way I witness Angel caring for our children, and what I have come to know is, "She loves our children, shows them in her way, but... I saw her giving Livvy a bath, and she was humming this tune I'd play for her on the guitar. When we first found her, she didn't know how to even wash herself, she had a fear of being alone that remained for months..." I try to explain this memory and the present without sounding dirty or making that time back then sordid, something I should be ashamed of, "I would sit in the room while she bathed, just letting my presence calm her, but I would hum or tinker away on my guitar, and I heard her - she told Livvy 'daddy used to play that song when I took bathes...' and - and-" words now escaping me. "You realized that you loved her even back when she was broken..." dad murmured into the night, saying the words I was having trouble saying, thinking of her that way and the war it has inside me. "You're worried about what kind of man that makes you?" he said the words releasing me from their pressure. Stopping dad turned about in front of me, his eyes serious and focused on mine, "You're a better man than many... months alone with her and you cared for her like a parent. Your mother and I... it's remarkable to watch her, see her do things for the babies that we know that she's probably picked up from you. I'm not sure you're aware of how the abusive cycle begins..." he pauses looking down at Rusty, placing one of his large hands on his head and Rusty ever so curious tries to see just whom is now touching him. "It's only your pawpaw," I murmured, watching my dads face light up at the title and it still hadn't gotten old.