Chapter 375: 2-4

Instead it felt better than pain, and nothing like numb. Now though, her hand in mine I can almost see her work it out, that I’m her mate, the feeling that she’s describing, safety. That’s what it feels like for me. I try to pull my hand away, but there’s no real effort in the movement, not truly. If I had, my hand would be away from hers but it’s where it was and she isn’t pulling hers away either as she sees the truth. “Do I smell nice to you? Like – I mean – do you – I followed your scent because it was so – I had to follow it,” her face is red and her eyes are squinted as she tilts her head waiting for my answer. She knows, Nyx tells me calmly. “I’m – yes – you smell different, safe,” and there goes that word again. I – I couldn’t explain it or even remember it very well, but the at ease, the calmness that wraps around me tightly, invisible but still felt like a layer of clothing. She nods, and a mouth splitting smile grows on her face, again I don’t understand. What’s she smiling at? How long did I have with her before she left me when she realized that I was her mate? Useless and not worth a damn, damaged and broken. I wouldn’t ever be right and I wasn’t fixable, a waste of space. “You’re – you – you’re my mate,” she stammered but again her face was relaxed not a bit bothered or disappointed. “I’m sorry,” I whispered looking away, this time pulling my hand away and out of her grip. She gasped, “You – you don’t want me?” I wasn’t going to look up. I had refused to look up, especially when I felt my cheeks wet. I wouldn’t let her see me crying or being weak. But her question confused me; she thinks that I am the one that doesn’t want her. “I – I – you,” I shook my head when I looked up and into her eyes, “You want me?” she couldn’t want me, she shouldn’t want me either. I wasn’t good, or worthy, surely Oakley saw that! Maybe this was a trick… the doctors would play tricks all the time. Before I sank down, pushed them away, as far as I could. I didn’t want to remember. Remembering hurt; tore at me and ripped me to pieces. “Of course I want you, Kieran.” She shouldn’t. She does. She wants me? “But if you don’t want me – I’ll still be your friend,” she said less enthusiastic than before, “No matter what Kieran, I’ll always be your friend.” Looking away from Oakley, I thought back to three months ago before she was here, I was all alone. I thought that I was safe, that I was content just being alone up on my mountain because that was as good as everything – anything – would ever get for me but then… she came along. It was good and bad. But that was always the case I had come to learn. You couldn’t have the good with out the bad and the good was that I felt new things that I never thought I would. I felt normal when I was with Oakley, that I wasn’t that dirty bad boy everyone knew I was. I was someone different. Someone I liked more because she liked being around that person. You aren’t someone different Kieran, you haven’t changed being who you are to be around Oakley, she just accepts you as you are, Nyx said but that couldn’t be true. I knew the truth, not him. “I don’t want to hurt you,” I whispered something, and that was true. “Mates don’t hurt each other… but even if I wasn’t your mate I wouldn’t hurt you.” She had an answer for everything, how am I to push her away when everything she says seems to make sense. The truth was I didn’t like being around people, they were too unpredictable, but even though I didn’t like it, I would still put up with them so that I could spend just a tiny minute with her. She’s your mate, it may be hard if you reject her, she’ll hurt and might need to be away from you, Nyx said. Turning to Oakley I observed her, she wasn’t smiling the way I liked it, and that made my decision easy, “Even though I don’t deserve you, I still want you to be my mate,” I said not very enthusiastic. Wow… that wasn’t very convincing, Nyx growled. See already messing up… my shoulders sagged, but you would think that for as wide as Oakley smiled, I had told her the greatest news she had ever heard. Her eyes brightened, her smile was infectious and I couldn’t help but return it shyly. And right then and there I promised myself that I was going to be good, and try my hardest not to screw up, even though I knew I would eventually. When I returned her smile, she placed her hand on the bed again, palm up waiting for me to take it, and with my new resolve I put my hands in hers, sighing at the new feelings. The door opened startling me, but when I noticed it was Grant his eyes went to my Oakley and my hand, “Uncle Grant guess what!?” she stood smiling brightly but didn’t pull her hand away. Why wasn’t she ashamed? Because she’s proud that you’re hers, Nyx answered.