Chapter 230

. "Everyone is at the house... you don't have to pack your things now, I can run in and get what you'd like if you just tell me," Dad says when I get into Uncle Grants car with Julia, and Ben. By everyone I knew he meant the usual family, not to mention the other three or four families that joined us during Thanksgiving, the house was the largest and able to accommodate all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and a few families that we were very close with. "Actually, Dad there are a few things I want to get myself, and I don't want to not having something I need for school and have to come back so if it's cool I'd like to just go in myself?" I said hoping my voice didn't shake, that it wasn't apparent to anyone that my heart was racing because of my plan. I had so much time to think about everything, I had held onto the darkness for as long I could. My dad glanced at Uncle Grant, seeking approval, but Uncle Grant was focused on me, so I gave him the most believable tight smile I could, "You sure that's what you want Oakley?" he asked unsure still, "Yeah, I'm sure." . . . In the backseat I tried to relax inwardly, feeling my anxiousness Ben took my hand in his, holding it tightly and I exhaled, the air whooshing out of me. When the car stopped, Aunt Julia turned around in her seat, "You're so brave for doing this Oakley," she smiled kindly, while I eyed the house, it looked the same not that I was expecting much to change but you could never know with Sarah. The drive way filled with cars, we had to park on the road, releasing Bens hand my legs shaking I walked up to the house, skipping the front door, heading for the back instead Uncle Pat and Aunt Julia carrying boxes ahead of me. "No one is going to say anything to you Oak," Ben whispered when he got to my side, little did he know I was going to be doing the talking, but I nodded. Entering the house, scents hit me suddenly, sweet, mouth watering, but no one was currently in the kitchen, the food all laid out, some on the stove still preparing, two turkeys cooking in the oven, dishes others brought stacked on the island, someone on the counter. Turning we went to my room, with my hearing I still hear the whispers downstairs: 'hurting that man,' 'acting just like her mother,' my steps faltered for a minute but I continued up to my room. Hesitating to open the door, not wanting to see it, the blood – my blood – on the ground, the door new and I remember dad having to knock it down to enter. "Your dad cleaned up the blood Oak," Uncle Grant murmured next to me, encouraging me to enter. Nodding I turn to knob, pushing it open, the air thick, smelling heavily of household cleaners, bleach hitting me hard with my new senses. When I enter I eye the room, the place I once thought of as safe but realize it wasn't... not anymore. "I want all the books on the first two shelves, my lap, computer and all my clothes," I say and we start packing, filling the boxes, bit by bit the room sheds layers, and as my heart calms it races at the same time for another reason all together. When I have the last box and on my way out, I stop at the hiding place that probably saved my life, opening it I take out the original recording and the one I made keeping on in my pocket, the other on top of the closed box. Instead of heading out back I walk to the front stairs, Dad and everyone else in the living room, watching football, I can hear the younger children and teens in the basement, when I step into the room everyone, watches me, warily like I'm going to hurt them physical, when they're the ones that have been hurting me. "Bee, what are you doing?" dad asks me, when I walk to the video and music system, surround sound, I wanted everyone in this house to hear it at once. With shaky hands I plug everything in, ignoring the complaints and groans when the TV goes black, the game going off, those in the basement complain when the movie, music or game they were playing goes off as well. I stand back, and find my fathers eyes, before I press play. "You want to make a tape for daddy baby?" "Ya momma." "Okay ready, lets sing for daddy... A – b – c – d – e – f – g – h – I – j – k..." and we continued until we were at Z, "Now I know my ABC's next time won't you sing with meeeeeeee! Do you like that daddy?" my fathers eyes fill with tears the confusion over at what he's hearing, at me giggling – happy. "What else should we sing for daddy Bumblebee?" "If wou're wappy an wou kwnow it cwap wour hwands!" "If wou're wappy an wou kwnow it jwemp up and dwown!" My own vision blurs but I refuse to look away from my dad, even though now people are coming from the basement up, questioning what's going on. Those that are in the kitchen, coming, moving around me but I'm watching dad, my sadness and anger mixing as the playing goes on. "Oh no... Oh god... how – how did they find me..." Mom mumbles the recorder still picking everything up and dad tilts his head to the side, the confusion is back, but I know what's coming. "Come on Bumblebee you need to hide and be really quiet okay, no matter what you hear don't come out Bumblebee, you understand?" her voice frantic now, "Pat what is this?" Sarah asks next to dad but he doesn't answer her, he doesn't but tries too. His mouth opens once, twice, but nothing comes out, the recording plays out. "I love you Bumbleebee okay, I love you to the moon and back you hear?" I can't tune out the beats, the racing hearts that are listening to what happened to my mother. But nothing is making me look away from dad, not even when I feel someone come stand right besides me. "Yes momma," my voice young, placating her, my tears running down my face as I look at dad. My head feels full like it's going to explode, but I'm not going to look away, I want to see the pain there, I want to know if he loved my mother. I want to see him, look into his eyes when he finds out that this was what happened. "Pat – Pat I love you okay, don't think I don't – I'm sorry I thought – I thought I got away from them Pat, I thought I could have my happily ever after with you, I loved you Pat, you were everything I ever wanted and I didn't think I would ever get a chance at love. I love you deep in my heart, and my secrets, I kept them to protect you and the kids, don't forget that, tell them about me, love them, cherish them for the both of us you hear?" Mom's talking faster now. Dad lifts his hands to his mouth, hands shaking and now someone is calling my name but I don't turn to look away. "Ben – Ben I love you too, I wish I had more time with you, I wish you'd remember me, but ask your daddy about me, he'll tell you how happy I was to be your momma." I'm sobbing, fighting to keep my eyes on dad. "Pat don't go looking for these men okay, you can't win with them, not yet... but when the kids are older, you need to find my daughters, I'm sorry for the secrets baby, I thought I'd get to tell you everything myself. I'm so sorry, so sorry," Mom sobbed, "Momma what's wrong?" when a younger me whispers, dad does too, "oh god," he murmurs behind his lips. I can hear everything, it's distracting and I'm fighting to concentrate on just dad. "Pat – you can't trust just anyone – if you need to get help go to Gabriel Gavino or Jay Colt... take the kids to him, he will be able to keep them safe, my daughters will be there too, they'll protect you guys, no body else but them Pat, do you understand?" my eyes welled up listening, knowing what was coming next, the tears falling down my face, "Aunt Julia, take Ben outside! Take him outside Now!" I shout not wanting him to hear the end. "Bumblebee don't come out okay, stay here, even after you don't hear nothing, stay here. You understand baby? Wait until daddy finds you here, you hear me? Say you were outside Bumblebee... came inside and you hid here... don't tell anyone I put you here... not even daddy, don't tell daddy right away, you understand?"