Chapter 43 Panic in the Silence
Calix Pov
I sat on the floor of my dorm room with my back against the wall. I'd been sitting here for hours. Just staring at nothing. Not moving. Barely breathing. My mind was stuck on repeat. Playing the same thought over and over until it was the only thing I could hear.
I marked her. I actually marked her. I claimed Maddie as my mate. Put my teeth in her neck. Bonded us together permanently. Did the one thing I swore I'd never do.
My hands were shaking. Had been shaking since I left her room before sunrise. Since I ran away like a coward. Since I abandoned her without explanation. Without even a note. Without anything.
I'd woken up with her in my arms. Her head on my chest. Her breathing soft and steady. The mark on her neck dark and fresh. Proof of what I'd done. Of what we'd done together.
For one perfect moment I'd felt happy. Felt complete. Felt like maybe everything would be okay. Maybe the curse wouldn't matter. Maybe the bond would protect her. Maybe I could have this. Have her. Have us.
Then reality crashed in. Cold. Hard. Unforgiving. My curse. The thing that killed everyone I loved. The thing that destroyed my mother. That broke my brother. That ended everything good in my life.
And now Maddie had that same curse attached to her. Now she was tied to me. To my darkness. To my poison. Now she was just another person on the list of people I'd eventually destroy.
I'd killed her. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually. Eventually the curse would take her just like it took everyone else. Eventually I'd lose control. Eventually my wolf would hurt her. Eventually she'd be gone.
Because that's what the curse did. It took away everyone I loved. Without fail. Without mercy. Without exception.
My mother first. I was eight years old. I'd just learned to shift. Was excited to show her my wolf form. But I couldn't control it. Couldn't control the rage. Couldn't stop myself from attacking. She died because I loved her. Died because I couldn't stay away. Died because of me.
Then Marcus. My little brother. He was six. Looked up to me. Followed me everywhere. Wanted to be just like me. One day during training I lost control again. Nearly killed him. He's been in a coma for three years now. Alive but not really living. Destroyed because I loved him.
Even the dog. A stupid puppy I got when I was twelve. Thought maybe I could love something small. Something innocent. Something that wouldn't die. But I petted it too hard during a shift. Broke its neck. Killed it instantly.
Everything I loved died. That was the pattern. That was the curse. That was my life.
And now I'd marked Maddie. Tied her to me. Signed her death warrant with my own teeth.
"What have I done?" I said out loud to the empty room. "What the hell have I done?"
My wolf whimpered in my head. He'd been quiet since we left her room. Hadn't said anything. Hadn't argued. Just sat there guilty and scared.
"This is your fault," I told him. "You pushed me to mark her. You took control. You did this."
"You wanted it too," my wolf said quietly. "Don't blame me for something we both wanted. Something we both needed."
He was right. I had wanted it. Had wanted to mark her. Had wanted to claim her. Had wanted to make her mine permanently. The alcohol had lowered my defenses but the desire had been there all along.
"She's going to die because of us," I said. "Just like everyone else. Just like Mom. Just like Marcus. The curse will take her."
"Maybe it won't," my wolf said but he didn't sound convinced. "Maybe the mate bond is stronger than the curse. Maybe it will protect her."
"When has anything ever protected anyone from me?" I asked. "When has love ever been enough? Never. Love just makes it worse. Love just makes the curse stronger."
My wolf went quiet again. Had no argument. No defense. Just acceptance. Just guilt. Just fear.
I put my head in my hands. Wanted to scream. Wanted to punch something. Wanted to go back in time and stop myself from going to that party. From drinking. From losing control. From marking her.
But I couldn't go back. Couldn't undo what was done. The mark was permanent. The bond was complete. Maddie was mine and I was hers and there was no changing that now.
So what did I do? How did I save her? How did I keep her alive when everything inside me was poison?
The answer came quick and brutal. I had to make her hate me. Had to push her away. Had to be so cruel she'd want nothing to do with me. Had to destroy whatever feelings she had before the curse could destroy her.
It was the only way. The only option. The only chance she had at survival.
If she loved me the curse would kill her. But if she hated me? If she wanted nothing to do with me? If she rejected the bond? Maybe that would be enough. Maybe that would keep her safe.
It would hurt. Would hurt her. Would hurt me. Would hurt worse than anything I'd ever felt. But pain was better than death. Pain was better than watching her die because of me. Pain was better than adding her name to the list of people I'd destroyed.
I stood up. Looked at myself in the mirror hanging on my wall. I looked terrible. Hadn't slept. Hadn't showered. Still wearing clothes from last night. But that didn't matter. Appearance didn't matter. Nothing mattered except saving her.
I practiced my expression. Made my face cold. Hard. Emotionless. Made my eyes flat. Dead. The same expression my father wore when he lectured me about duty. The same expression that made people afraid. That made them back away. That made them leave.
"You can do this," I told my reflection. "You can be cruel. You can hurt her. It's for her own good. It's to save her life."
My wolf howled in protest. "This is wrong. This will hurt her worse than the curse ever could. She'll think we don't want her. She'll think last night meant nothing."
"Good," I said even though the word felt like poison. "Let her think that. Let her believe I used her. Let her hate me. It's the only way."