Even seated, Ryder towered over me. His stone-hard chest muscles pressed into my face. A wall of heat, scented with cigarettes, sweat, and beer, overpowered me as he forced me back onto the bed. No. Oh no, no, no. Awareness screamed through my mind, locking my body into a corpse. Every muscle fiber pulled taut and fear seeped into my skin until it soaked my bones. Pinning my wrists in one hand, he knelt, and shoved my dress above my hipsI tried to squeeze my legs closed, but he was too strong. His knees parted mine open, vulnerable, and exposed. My heart lurched down my throat and my breath burned in my lungs. I swallowed hard. "But I am going to tell everyone I fucked you." Absent of their earlier warmth, his eyes were dark and hooded above me. "And for your sake, I'll add that you were amazing." No. He can't - this is between us. "Ryder, no." My voice came out quiet and meek, as a mouse squeak. I struggled again, tugging at my hands. A silent gasp passed through my lips from the burn of his fingers squeezing my wrists. I twisted and wriggled, but he tightened his grip until pain erupted from the pinch of skin. My lower lip trembled between the words, "Puh-please, don't do this…" At the end of a vertical sliver of light, the door was cracked open. If I screamed, would anyone hear me? "Don't even think about it, Ellie." His large palm grabbed my jaw and pulled my face back to his. He was inches away, his breath in short, sharp pants. A desperate, dark look hung in his eyes as if he'd made a decision from which there was no turning back. "No one will hear you but, if they did, no one cares." The details terrified me every time I saw them. His smirk shifted to a menacing, sinister grimace. His hot breath raised goosebumps on the skin of my neck and washed over me in hot, sharp waves. My skin chilled like ice. The sickening excitement in his voice. "You want this too." This was wrong. So, so wrong. I didn't want this! "No, no, no…" I whimpered and arched my back, but couldn't move. He was too heavy and too strong. His hand pinched my wrists and he released a shuddered breath. "Relax." My spine locked up when he traced and outline of my mouth. His eyes shifted darker, to his real intentions. "This is what I really want." Right then, when I needed to act the most, my body became a statue. The shock of what had already happened dropped a weight in my stomach. His eyes darted to the path he drew around my mouth like a target. What he intended to happen next pierced through me, stabbing me with a thousand tiny needles. A cold, soul-freezing chill raised goosebumps on my skin. Ryder's true intentions hit me like I was doused in an ice bath. His knees bracketed my hips. I wanted to scratch the horrible look of satisfaction and desire off his face. But my fingers couldn't move. I wanted to kick him off me, but my legs were dead tree stumps. I wanted to scream but my throat choked itself. His hand bound my wrist while the other removed his belt, then unbuttoned his jeans. I trembled with involuntary spasms. With one flinch, the corners of his lips curled up. The cold look in his eyes burned with heat and his face flushed red. A challenge danced in his eyes. He enjoyed this. My pain. My fear. My humiliation. I wished for the bed to swallow me up. It didn't. Someone, anyone, come and save me! No one came. Nothing happened except what was happening to me. A horrible expression on his face, want, need, and cruel intentions mixed into how much worse he intended things to get. My breath hitched when he leaned over. He pressed one more kiss onto my lips. It was so tender, I'd never been more scared. When my teary eyes slid closed, a loud noise popped into my ears. The door flung open with a bang, followed by heavy, shuffled footsteps. "Yo, Ryder! You in here?" With stumbled stomps and silver flashes from a beer can in hand, another football player burst in. His eyes frowned at my exposure. I begged him with my eyes. Help. Get me out. "What the fuck -" The metal can in his hand crunched in his fist. "Get out, asshole!" Ryder cursed. "Can't you see I'm -" The word 'asshole' broke my frozen spell. I rammed my knee up behind his balls as forcefully as my leg moved. He grunted, but my knee slam wasn't hard enough to do more than retract his fingers from my face and loosen his grip on my wrists. I squirmed, rolled one wrist away free, then punched his very hard dick. Ryder's reaction was instantaneous; he doubled over. The vibrations from his loud groans pierced my eardrums, and he cupped himself with both hands. I rolled off the bed, where my knees burned from the carpet. With fast movements, I pulled up my clothes and scrambled to the open door. "Fucking little bitch," Ryder's enraged curse vibrated the walls. Rounded over with both hands cupping his groin, he lifted his head with a strained grunt. His face flushed red from his forehead to chin and his eyes were dark, hooded, and full of promises that made me stumble backward. "I'm going to make sure no guy at this school will ever want you." "Fuck you! You fucking football asshole rapist!" were the words I wished to say. They were the words that he deserved. Instead, his threat drove shivers down my back. All that escaped were weak and strained whispers. "I don't care." Without looking back, I sprinted away. Tears blurred the hallway's shut doors. With unsteady gasps, I slammed the door behind me. "Oh, my Gawd." I gasped and shot up with a jolt. My heart thundered vibrations through my chest walls and ribs and my pajamas clung to my skin from sweat. The sheets tangled around my legs, ensnaring them like trapped prey. With shaky movements, I untangled each leg and drew them in. With my knees hugged to my chest, I heaved slow, raspy breaths until my pounding heart slowed. Trembles quivered my lower lip, across my shoulders, and trickled down my spine. Stop it, Ellie. Just a nightmare. Fuck, again. Tears blurred the time on my clock: 3:23, enough time left to wake up and feel like I hadn't gotten any sleep. But there was no going back to sleep. I threaded my fingers through my hair and clenched at the roots. Fuck you, world! My forehead throbbed from the repeat reel of haunting images. Flash after flash made my fingers press harder. I wanted to claw the details out of my brain, but I couldn't. What woke me up wasn't a nightmare. It was a memory. A very troubling memory, which I hadn't thought about in more than a year, haunted me. Again. The same eroded confidence and self-esteem, as if they never existed, shook me until my sheets rustled where I sat. That memory changed me in high school. It pushed me away from every subsequent set of eyes looking at me with the same level of interest. My back hitched with a wheezy rasp and my lungs burned. Breathe, Ellie. With my knees tucked to my chest, I breathed until my heartbeat slowed. My nerves settled down, breath by breath, to be replaced by heat bubbling up, and spilling out in hot tears. They flowed freely, soaking my cheeks. Uncontrollable shudders shook me from shoulders to hips, blurring my blankets into fuzzy forms. Once the shaking subsided, anger surged up inside me. Heat burned under my skin and I glared at the space between my knees. Three years later, the truth still chewed my insides like a severe stomach ache. I was a stupid, naïve girl who craved a guy's attention. An idiot who thought that a sense of worth came from being with someone whose intentions were stripping every ounce of dignity from me. Eighteen months since my last nightmare, and now I'd had two. I cupped my shaky hands cupped over my ears. A fresh set of tears appeared and burned the obvious question through my foggy brain. Why now?