Chapter 45: You are almost there

Did that mean she wished her whole career away? No, that wasn’t right. She didn’t. Her chest tightened when she thought about how much Jane hated the limelight, though. Nobody else she had dated had been such a private person. Some exes had downright loved the flash of a paparazzo’s camera.

She swallowed and took a deep breath. She had been looking forward to seeing Jane again since the moment she had let her go at LAX. Three whole months ago! No point spoiling it now with pointless anxiety.

“That’s a wrap on Amber. Thank you, darl. Sorry about all the delays.”

“No worries. Great working with you. Thank you,” she replied.

Amber sat on the edge of the stage and hopped down. Teddy was nowhere to be seen.

When he finally appeared, it was with someone tall at his shoulder. Amber held up her hand to shield her eyes from the bank of studio lights.

Jane.

Her heart jumped. Amber ran beyond the white lights and into the relative darkness and wrapped her arms around her. She looked up into Jane’s smiling face, then pressed her mouth to hers.

She had built this moment up for weeks, had dreamt about it at night, but the reality was even better. Jane felt warm, solid, real. Her taste was familiar. Her smell comforting. Amber’s knowledge of her seemed to stretch back years.

“Hi.” Amber put the back of her hand to her own cheek, a little flustered by her big feelings.

“Hi,” replied Jane. She smiled, took Amber’s hand and pressed the knuckles to her lips. Her eyes seemed to acknowledge everything that was going inside Amber. “I missed you.”

Amber smiled. The swirling storm in her chest stilled. She felt calm and happy. She stuck her fingers into the back of Jane’s short hair, pulled her face down again and kissed her hard.

Jane walked haltingly down the stepped aisle to the seat number on her phone screen. She was wearing a dark-green suit. Amber had mussed her hair all up and used some mousse stuff to make it look all over the place on purpose.

Jane had smiled at her reflection in the mirror and said the professors at work would fall off their chairs if she showed up to give a lecture like this.

Amber had given her a peck on the cheek and rearranged a wayward piece of hair. The nice make-up lady who had come to the flat smiled and said “aw”, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Jane was still taken aback when people accepted that she and Amber were dating. Her expected reaction was that they would do a double-take and rub their eyes with their fists, mouths hanging open, aghast and confused. “How could a beautiful woman like that choose to be with someone so ordinary and plain?” they would say.

However, the person at the front desk at Channel 10 studios and the make-up lady hadn’t batted an eyelid. And Sara had been thrilled and excited but not surprised.

Jane bent to look at a row number (the auditorium was quite dark) and thought about how maybe people were less surprised by things than she’d thought they would be. Maybe the things Jane said and did were not so offensive and earth-shattering. The friendly counsellor she had been to after the break-up with Lauren had said it was not a fact that Jane had the ability to ruin any situation at any moment. It was just Jane’s view of things.

She found her row, second from the front, and moved apologetically along to her seat. She probably should have recognised a lot of the people she was forcing to squeeze their knees sideways to let her though, but she couldn’t have named a single one of them.

Amber’s seat was vacant next to her. She had to perform near the start of the awards show and also present an award closer to the end, so she wouldn’t be around much until later. She hadn’t released any music in the past year and so wasn’t up for any awards. She had told Jane she was happy about it—she had won so many over the years that she didn’t like taking them away from up-and-coming acts.

Jane smiled. Amber was special. Her enthusiasm and kindness weren’t just skin-deep. It went right down to the very middle, as far as Jane could tell.

She rubbed her palms on her thighs, reminding herself yet again that she didn’t know Amber all that well yet. That was a fact, but Jane also had an illogical deeper suspicion that she knew Amber through and through.

Oop! Again she was overcome with the earth-tilting feeling. Maybe things could be true and not-true at the same time. She would never have entertained the notion a couple of months ago.

The stage lights came on, and everyone started clapping.

Two women came out wearing gowns, welcomed everyone, and told some jokes. It wasn’t that different from a graduation ceremony at work, except that Jane’s hair was messier and the women went on to introduce a musical act, who began playing a very thrashy song about buying expensive cars.

Jane tapped her foot to the rhythm. She was tone-deaf—no one note sounded different from any other. Her mother could be brought to tears listening to classical music, whereas Jane could tell where one note ended and another began, but that was pretty much it. Music with an interesting or driving beat was enjoyable to listen to, or sometimes very poetic lyrics could hold her attention. Other than that, music was background noise.