V
Silence was the loudest thing there was. It was the most fragile thing there was too, it was my best friend post adoption days, it was my best friend when Cameron left for the day and I had no one else to talk to, it was my best friend when Jonathan left home, it was my only friend when Cameron attended culinary school. It was my closest friend when I went home alone. So my eyes usually followed whoever thought it wise to break such a sacred thing, like silence.
During dinner the last summer after I had graduated my online business school, I told my parents that I was going to move out. The silence that followed my news was deafening, it made me anxious. I needed them to say something, anything. Even if it was to curse me out, there first son had already left the house, and I wanted to leave too.
"Can you do it?" Mom asked breaking the silence.
Dad held her shoulder.
"Are you sure you're ready?"
My lips stretched and formed a smile as I nodded.
"Very well then, you are free to go. Just tell us when you're ready."
That silence had yielded the best possible fruit, because from that silence, I was born. Bavard was born.
This silence? This one that was created after the bombshell that Jonathan dropped? It was never going to bring forth anything good.
"What did you say was her name?" I broke the silence first. For the first time in my life, I broke the silence.
Jonathan blinked once.. twice.. then opened his mouth mid chewing, a disgusting habit of his. I looked away so I didn't have to argue about it with him like I always did.
"Clarissa.. Clarissa Russell."
My heart started to beat in my ear drums, hard, fast and really loud. I consoled myself with the fact that she may not be married but this makes everything horrible. The fact that she was my brother's wife? Blood drained from my face.
I saw Cam looking at me with worry written all over his face.
"I didn't bring her here because I wanted to uhm.. talk to you guys first." Jonathan said totally oblivious to the fact that his news had a big effect on me.
"You disappeared for years, no one hears from you and you had the nerve to show up, and the next thing we hear is that you're already married? And your wife is already expecting a child??" Mom whispered as she asked.
Dad stands up abruptly, his face betrayed nothing as he stormed into his room.
Another silence followed his departure. Nobody said anything, nobody ate, everyone was frozen, battling with their thoughts at the same time.
An image of my palm over her thigh came to my mind. I stiffened in response. Another image of my mouth on hers played in my head, I let out a series of cuss words silently.
Her fingers had run through my hair, my lips had locked on hers, my tongue played with hers.
I rush out of the dining and straight to the bathroom. I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet seat. Once I was done, I collapsed unto the toilet floor as I felt empty.
Jonathan took me to the first girl I had something with, I was shy, I didn't know how to act. He taught me every thing, and took me to the girl. He also taught me not to have anything to do with a married woman, and now I had done something with his own married woman. And I wanted more. I retched one more time, I could not look at him in the face. How could I?
"Are you okay?" His voice was too worried. Would he still be worried if he knew what transpired between his pregnant wife and I?
I raised my eyes to face him, his face looked at me with so much concern.
"Why didn't you call me for the wedding?" I asked him weakly.
He let out a dry laugh.
"I actually just did it.. we found out she was pregnant, and she didn't want her parents knowing that she got pregnant without getting married... It was just us and the priest you see.." his explanation made sense.
"Why didn't you ever call me? Or send a text.. I waited.."
His happy expression quickly faded into remorse.
"I wanted to be someone you could be proud of.. already I was the worst elder brother you could think of, the only things I taught you was how to get into trouble or how to get out of one.. good thing you didn't learn.."
"But Cam did.." I responded quietly.
He laughed quietly.
"I wanted to build something that you could brag to everyone that your brother built it himself from scratch..." He paused. Then laughed.
"I failed woefully.. I only made everyone sad, including myself."
"I was always proud of you.. always.." I told him sincerely.
He bent down to my level and hugged me. I hugged him back. None of us said anything. Guilt ate me, but I also felt relief.
We sipped on our apple cider as we sat down on the balcony our parents went out, Dad didn't even look in Jonathan's direction. Mom murmured an excuse to leave, so it was just three of us, like old times. Cam, Jonathan and I.
But instead of our usual play suit we wore as kids, we were donned in suits. Instead of our usual mischief, we were having an actual conversation. All three of us on different paths of our lives.. something we never imagined as kids.
"We never imagined you would ever get tied down, you brought us up like this.. and you get married? What would happen to Kenny and I?" Cam asked Jonathan.
He started his explanation but I zoned out, how was I comfortable with talking to him like I hadn't been day dreaming about his wife? How would I let him know of this?
"Hey Jonathan, can we see a picture of your wife? We've not even seen her and we've been hearing about her." I ask as soon as it crossed my mind.
I caught Cam staring at me in confusion, but I turned away so I didn't reveal how nervous I actually was.
Jonathan nodded before whipping out his phone and pulling up her picture.
With shaky hands I collected the phone from him.
My brows creased as soon as I saw the picture. It wasn't my Clarissa.
"What's her maiden name?"
"Jones, she was Clarissa Jones."