Chapter 34 This Is So Hard
(Possible trigger warnings from the list on description)
Ryland
I have been mentally preparing to tell Gracie the truth about me. I am also prepared for when she runs after she knows the truth. I wouldn’t hold it against her.
“Did you bring something to sleep in?” I ask.
It is best that we get comfortable before we talk because it will be a long conversation and night.
Gracie shakes her head. “No, I brought everything else except that. But you will give me something to sleep in, right?” she asks, batting her lashes at me.
I chuckle. “Do not bat your lashes at me, Miss Gracie. It won’t work every time.”
Gracie smiles brightly, knowing that even with what I am saying, she will still get what she is asking for. It doesn’t take much for me to give in to her, even if I am trying to be stern. I shake my head, pecking her lips and grab her something to sleep in. I take a tee and a pair of my boxers, handing them to her.
“Thank you, now turn away until I get changed.” She says, waggling her finger at me.
“Yes, ma’am.” I turn away from her, giving her some privacy.
As tempted as I am to take a peek, I won’t. It would be disrespectful of me.
“You can turn back around now.”
I turn to face her and swallow hard when I see my clothes covering her body once again. They look so good on her. Giving me a soft smile, Gracie climbs into my bed. I strip down to my boxers, Gracie covering her eyes as I do. Why is she covering her eyes? It isn’t like I am getting naked. She has seen me in my boxers before. I join her only moments later, knowing now is the time. I can’t put it off any longer. Gracie lies down on her side, encouraging me to do the same. I have no idea where to start, but I do mimic her position.
Gracie reaches in and caresses my cheek. “Take your time.”
“Do you promise you won’t leave?” My words are shaky with nerves.
She kisses me softly before she takes my hand in hers. “I promise.”
I nod and take a few deep breaths. It is now or never.
“I don’t know if you remember me mentioning my dad and how he left when I was a kid?”
“I remember.”
“Well, my dad was like your dad. He was abusive to both my mother and me. It happened nearly every single day.”
Gracie squeezes my hand. “I am sorry you and your mom had to go through that, Ryland.”
“He wasn’t only physically abusive. To me, he was. To my mother, it was worse than that. He used to force himself on her.” Anger courses through me as I talk about it, as I remember what he did to her, tears brimming in my eyes.
My mom doesn’t know that I know. I never told her. Their room was only down the hall from mine. I could hear her crying and begging for him to stop. It broke her heart knowing I witnessed the physical abuse and suffered through it too. If she knew the rest, it would kill her.
“She doesn’t know that I know that. I could never tell her. I lay there, listening while he hurt her. Who does that? Who does nothing to help their mother when they are being hurt in such a horrible way?” I whimper. A mix of sadness and anger is taking over again.
Angry at myself. Angry at him. I hate myself for never stopping him.
“Ryland, you were a child. You can blame yourself for that.”
“Yes, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew what was happening. I could have called the police or gone through and told him to stop. But nope, I lay there like a coward, not doing anything. I should have protected her. The way she always tried to protect me from that monster.”
I have never forgiven myself for it. I don’t think I ever will. I still have nightmares, even now, and it was nearly ten years ago. It isn’t something I will ever get over, no matter how many years passed.
I notice the tears roll down Gracie’s cheeks. “I am so sorry, Ryland, that you both had to go through that. No one should have to go through that.”
“It is why I refuse to let anyone close to me. If I couldn’t protect my mother from that monster, how am I going to protect the people closest to me? How am I supposed to protect the person I love the most in the world from all the bad when I couldn’t protect her?” I whisper, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Ryland, you were a child. You aren’t anymore. You would protect them just in the same way you have been looking out for me since we met. You can’t let that monster ruin you, ruin your chance to love someone, let yourself be loved.”
“A little too late, Gracie. He has already ruined me. What if I am like him? What if I get into a relationship with someone and end up going the way he did? He wasn’t always like that when my mom first met him. Well, that is what he made her believe and look how that turned out. I don’t exactly treat people great.”
It is something that puts fear into me every single day, the thought of being anything like him. I don’t treat girls great. I use them for my pleasure. What if that is how it all starts? I don’t respect them. I don’t care if I hurt them. I have been the same with every girl I have met except Gracie. You would think after everything I saw my mom go through that I would treat girls better.