Chapter 86
“Stop, Marek!”
I rushed over to him, pushing the weights off him before he decided to crush himself. He looked up, surprised. As he sat up from the bench, I wrapped my arms around him. Marek could still breathe as I held his to my chest since my breasts were so small but still. I held him tight encompassing him as completely as I could.
It had been three days since his outburst. It didn’t get better. I was getting better but his mood continued to darken. He would be close but it felt like he was still too far to reach. Worse, Marek wouldn’t talk to me. As much as I asked what was wrong, he refused to even look at me. Going so far as to slam doors in my face.
Lec, who had been keeping an extra eye on him as well, texted me this morning that Marek was going too far. He was trying to force himself and break himself in the gym today. Pushing nearly double his personal record, Lec finally tried to stop him. He called me down when Marek pulled a gun on him and told him to step back.
“Ria…you shouldn’t be out of the penthouse…”
“Stop. Whatever you’re punishing yourself for, Marek, it needs to stop.”
My words made him stiffen but I still held him tight, refusing to let go. Slowly, he reached out and wrapped his arms around my middle. We held each other for a long time before I felt his head shake.
“How do I protect you? I keep failing…” His voice was broken. “Over and over again.”
“Marek, you can’t control me getting sick. It’s okay. I’m getting back up to a hundred percent.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what…I know, Ria. I know. That’s not…”
“Then what? You’ve done so much, Marek. You are the reason I’m still here. What is going on?” Leaning back, I took his head in my hands and lifted his face up to look at me.
His eyes looked into mine and I could feel myself falling all over again for him. He was so beautiful. Not just his features or the way he looked up at me; like I was his entire world. It was the depth of his soul I could see in his eyes.
“You fought them…in your dreams, or nightmares. You continued to fight them, every day. Even when your voice was hoarse, you would whimper. You screamed at Carlo, begging for him to stop. You did the same for Enzo. How-how do I protect you against that, búsinka?”
I felt my heart crumble and leaned down, kissing his lips. Holding his face, I continued to kiss until I couldn’t breathe. Marek let his arms fall but his hands settled on my waist before he lifted me up onto his lap. We were more level now and I shook my head.
“You already have, Marek. My nightmares are just that. Nightmares. Things that scare me. Honestly, it hasn’t even really been much about them anymore. My fears have changed.”
“What do you fear?”
I smiled and kissed him softly. “Losing you. It’s always losing you. Either to them, or the darkness, or my own fault. Losing you is what breaks me. What would break me.”
His eyes widened and I felt his grip tighten on me. “You won’t lose me, Ria.”
Shaking my head, I rested my forehead against his. “You can’t promise me that. Just like I can’t promise you. In our world, all it takes is a single moment and the darkness can swallow us whole. But you have given me something to hold onto. You’ve given me hope, Marek. With hope though, comes the fear of losing it.”
“Zhena…”
“I love you, muzh. I love you when I never thought I was capable of love. I love you and you’ve protected me so well, that the only thing that could possibly get to me now is my own nightmares. So please…stop. Stop hurting yourself and stop hurting me.”
His head jerked back. “Hurt you? I could never…”
“You’ve slammed so many doors in my face these past few days. You’ve been trying to hurt yourself, which hurts me. This goes both ways, Marek. You don’t get to do this shit, and for me not feel the same way I do if the roles were reversed.”
I watched the wheels turn as he thought about what I said. Finally, his face fell and his head fell onto my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I was so frustrated. I felt like I was failing you in every way. Not only did you get sick and I didn’t see it, but then you were locked in your nightmares where I couldn’t help either. I understand why Dad said love is both a strength and a weakness. I’ve never felt so out of control.”
“I’m okay now. I’d just rather have you back. I don’t want you to keep forcing yourself to be stronger when you already are strong enough.”
He shook his head. “Will I be strong enough to protect our family if I can barely protect just you?”
My face flushed completely red and my heart skipped a beat. “A…family?”
Marek’s head rose and he smiled at me. “Yes. Sem'ya.” [A family.]
“With me.”
“Only with you.”
I felt the redness reach all the way back to my ears. The temperature suddenly rose and I tried to take a slow calming breath but it didn’t quite work.
“I…are we allowed to think about that?”
Marek raised an eyebrow. “Allowed? Why wouldn’t we be allowed? Who would be stopping us?”
“I…don’t know. I just never thought even once I’d live that long. Let alone…have someone…” I brushed my thumb against his lips. “Someone I wanted to have a family with.”
He smiled. “And now?”
My heart rate picked up. “Are we…really having this conversation now…?”
“Yes. We are.” Marek cupped my cheek. “I want a family with you, Ria. I’ve always wanted a family but like you, I never thought it was in the cards for me. I’d accepted that. Loved and spoiled my nephews and nieces. But with you…Ria…it’s a dream I want to make reality.” He chuckled. “You’re red.”
“I…well…yeah! This is…kids…we are talking about here. You and me…having…kids. Together.”
Marek continued to laugh. “Yes, and?”
“Marek!” I brought my hands up and covered my face. “It’s just so…I don’t…it feels absurd.”
Marek’s hands wrapped around my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face. “Why? Because it’s you and I? Because of the world we live in? Or…”
“Me, Marek. I’ve been running from having any family for so long. I mean, I’m literally just getting used to the idea of you being in my life. You being someone that I cherish and love. My muzh. I never thought I would get that. Let alone…anything more.”
“Vy ne khotite detey?” [You don't want children?] His voice sounded so unsure as he asked.
I smiled. “I only want children if they are with you. It’s just hard to wrap my mind around. I’ve also had to avoid it so much.”
“We can wait, Ria. I’m not asking for right now. You are young. You know I would never force you into anything you didn’t want.”
“I know. Honestly, I’m probably one of the latest when it comes to my siblings. Everyone was married off early. Giving their men heirs early so that they wouldn’t need to worry about any other illegitimate ones coming to light. Or helping solidify their position.”
Marek made a disgusted face. “Did I ever tell you I really hate your family practices?”
I laughed. “Many times.”
“Good. Because I do. I hate it.”
“Marek.”
He hummed.
“I want my father gone. Before we have kids. Enzo is a cockroach and if we have the chance I would love to destroy him too. But at the very least, I don’t want my father claiming my first born because of some stupid shit he made up. We might have the upper hand right now, but…if he plays the same game with us…I just…”
Marek kissed my forehead and smiled. “Understood.”
I flicked his forehead. “We aren’t bringing your family into this. The whole Bratva. I’m not starting a war…I just…”
“I know, búsinka. I’ve been working on the back end but Carlo has paperwork wrapped up so tight that if he does go down, I want whoever is doing the tying up to work for me.”
Chuckling, I shrugged. “Maybe I’ll see if he’s willing.”
“Seriously?”
“If the entire Bernadi Mafia crumbles, everyone there will be lost. I’m sure some of the other families will pull them back but there are a few good ones inside. Not many, but a few. It’s just…you don’t want to put your own family in danger.”
He sighed and buried his head back down between my breasts. “YA budu zhdat' tebya, moya lyubov’. My unichtozhim Carlo i smozhem pogovorit' ob etom yeshche raz.” [I will wait for you, my love. We'll destroy Carlo and we can talk about this again.]
Smiling into the top of his head, I nodded. “Grazie.” [Thank you.]