Chapter 51 The Conversation She Avoids
Sebastian came back the next morning with coffee and apologies.
"I'm sorry," he said, setting the cup on the kitchen counter where Harper sat staring at nothing. "I shouldn't have left. I panicked and I ran and that's exactly what my father would have done."
Harper took the coffee but didn't drink it. The smell made her nauseous. Another symptom she hadn't noticed until now.
"Are you okay?" Sebastian asked, watching her push the cup away.
"Coffee makes me sick now, apparently." Harper's voice was flat. "Add it to the list of things that are changing."
Sebastian sat across from her. He looked like he hadn't slept. "We need to talk about this. Really talk."
"About the baby or about you running away when things got hard?"
"Both. Either. Harper, I'm sorry. The news about the audit and then the pregnancy, it was too much at once. I needed space to breathe."
"Space. Right." Harper stood and walked to the window. "You said you needed to think. So tell me. What did you think about it?"
Sebastian was quiet for a moment. "About whether I'm capable of being a father. About whether bringing a child into this mess is fair to anyone. About what happens if Patricia's accusations destroy what's left of my reputation."
"Those are all the wrong questions," Harper said quietly.
"Then what are the right ones?"
Harper turned to face him. "Do you want this baby? Not in theory. Not eventually. Right now. Do you want to be a father to our child?"
Sebastian opened his mouth. I closed it. I looked away.
"That's what I thought," Harper whispered.
"It's not that simple."
"Yes it is. It's the simplest question in the world. Do you want this baby?"
"I don't know!" Sebastian's voice rose. "I don't know if I want it because I don't know if I can be what a child needs. My father was cold and manipulative. My mother was absent. I don't have a template for good parenting. I don't know if I'm capable of it."
"So you're scared."
"Terrified. Yes." Sebastian stood and paced. "Harper, what if I mess this up? What if I become my father and raise a child who resents me and can't wait to escape? What if I fail at the most important thing I'll ever do?"
Harper felt her anger deflate slightly. At least he was being honest. "Those are valid fears. But Sebastian, what if you don't fail? What if you're nothing like your father because you're already aware of his mistakes?"
"Or what if awareness isn't enough? What if the damage is already done and I'm incapable of being the kind of father a child deserves?"
"Then we figure it out together. The same way we've figured out everything else." Harper moved closer. "But I need to know you're willing to try. I need to know this isn't just another crisis you'll run from when it gets hard."
Sebastian looked at her with haunted eyes. "I came back, didn't I?"
"After a night away. What happens when it's three AM and the baby's been crying for hours? What happens when parenting gets exhausting and thankless and you can't just walk away to Claire's?"
"That's not fair."
"Isn't it? You left me pregnant and alone because you needed space to process. How is that different from what you're afraid of becoming?"
The words hit their mark. Sebastian flinched. "You're right. I did exactly what I'm afraid of doing as a father. I abandoned you when things got overwhelming."
"So what are you going to do differently? Because Sebastian, I can't do this alone. I won't do this alone. If you're not all in, I need to know now."
Sebastian crossed to her and took her hands. "I want to be all in. I want to be the father my child deserves. I'm just terrified I don't know how."
"Nobody knows how. That's what parenting is. Figuring it out as you go." Harper searched his face. "But I need you to want this. Not just accept it. Not just try because you feel obligated. I need you to want our baby."
"Do you?" Sebastian asked quietly. "Want this baby?"
Harper's breath caught. She'd been so focused on Sebastian's reaction that she hadn't fully examined her own feelings.
"I don't know," she admitted. "I'm terrified too. Of being trapped. Of losing myself. Of becoming someone's mother when I barely know how to be someone's wife."
"So we're both terrified."
"Apparently."
They stood in the kitchen holding hands, both of them scared, neither knowing what came next.
"What if we waited?" Sebastian said finally. "Just a little longer. Until the audit is over and Patricia's dealt with and our lives are more stable."
Harper pulled her hands away. "Wait how exactly? Sebastian, I'm pregnant now. The baby doesn't care about audits or stability."
"I meant to wait to decide. To commit." He ran his hands through his hair. "Harper, what if we're not ready for this? What if bringing a child into our chaos is the most selfish thing we could do?"
Harper felt ice flood her veins. "Are you asking me to terminate the pregnancy?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know." Sebastian's voice was strained. "I'm asking if we should consider all options before making a permanent decision we might regret."
"All options." Harper repeated the words carefully. "You mean abortion."
"I mean taking time to think about what's best for everyone involved. Including the potential child who'd be born into a life of media scrutiny and family dysfunction and parents who aren't sure they're ready."
Harper walked to the couch and sat down heavily. "I need you to leave."
"Harper…"
"I said leave. Go to Claire's. Go to a hotel. I don't care. But get out of this apartment before I say something I can't take back."
"We need to talk about this."
"We just did. You made your feelings perfectly clear." Harper's voice was ice. "You're not ready. You don't know if you want this. You think maybe I should terminate so we can wait for a more convenient time to have a baby."
"That's not what I said."
"It's exactly what you said. You just used prettier words." Harper stood. "Get out, Sebastian. I need to think without you here pressuring me to make the choice you're too scared to ask for directly."
Sebastian grabbed his jacket. At the door, he turned back. "I love you. That hasn't changed."
"Love isn't enough. Not for this. Not when you're asking me to choose between you and our baby."
"I'm not asking you to choose."
"Yes you are. You just don't have the courage to admit it." Harper's voice broke. "Leave. Please."
After he left, Harper sat alone in the apartment trying to breathe. Her hand went to her stomach automatically.
A baby. Growing inside her right now. Sebastian's baby. Their baby.
Did she want it?
Harper tried to imagine nine months from now. Holding an infant. Being responsible for another life. Losing sleep and freedom and the ability to focus solely on the Adriatic renovation.
She tried to imagine being a mother. Patient and nurturing and everything her aunt had struggled to be.
She tried to imagine doing it alone if Sebastian couldn't commit.
Her phone buzzed. Jessie called.
Harper answered. "Hey."
"You sound terrible. What happened?"
"I'm pregnant. Sebastian freaked out and left. Then came back and suggested maybe I should wait to decide about keeping it." Harper's voice was hollow. "So that's my day."
Silence on the other end. Then: "I'm coming over."
"You don't have to…"
"I'm already in my car. Be there in twenty minutes."
Jessie arrived at fifteen, armed with ice cream and fury.
"He said what?" Jessie demanded after Harper explained everything.
"That we should consider all options. That bringing a baby into our chaos might be selfish."
"That absolute…" Jessie cut herself off. "Okay. Deep breath. Let's focus on you. What do you want?"
"I don't know. I'm terrified of being trapped. Of losing myself. Of becoming my aunt who sacrificed everything to raise a kid she didn't plan for." Harper pressed her hands to her face. "But I'm also terrified of terminating and spending the rest of my life wondering what if."
"Those are both valid feelings."
"How do I choose? How do I know what's right?"
Jessie was quiet for a moment. "Harper, do you love Sebastian?"
"Yes. But that doesn't make this easier."
"Would you want to have his baby someday? In a theoretical future where everything's perfect and stable?"
Harper thought about it honestly. "Maybe. I think so. But Jessie, nothing's perfect. Our life is in constant crisis. Is it fair to bring a child into that?"
"Is it fair to terminate a wanted pregnancy because you're scared?" Jessie countered gently. "Harper, you need to figure out what you want independent of Sebastian's fears. This is your body. Your choice. Your life."
"But it affects him too."
"Only if you let it. You could terminate and never tell him. You could keep the baby and raise it alone. You could wait and see if he comes around. All of those are valid choices." Jessie took her hand. "But you need to decide based on what you want, not what makes things easier for Sebastian."
Harper felt tears spill over. "I don't know what I want. I'm too scared to want anything."
"Then start smaller. Do you want to stay pregnant right now, today?"
Harper's hand went to her stomach. "Yes. For now, yes."
"Then that's enough. You don't have to decide the next eighteen years today. Just decide today."
They sat together eating ice cream that made Harper nauseous but she ate anyway. When Jessie finally left, Harper felt marginally less alone.
But she still had no answers.
Just a growing baby and a husband who'd asked her to wait.
As if pregnancy had a pause button.
As if love was enough without commitment.
As if any of this had easy solutions.
Harper's phone buzzed. Sebastian texting.
"Can we talk? Really talk. No running. No avoiding. Just honesty."
Harper stared at the message.
Tomorrow, she'd talk to him.
Tonight, she'd just exist with the uncertainty.
One day at a time.
One choice at a time.
One breath at a time.
It was all she could manage.
And maybe, for now, that was enough.