Chapter 39: 30-2

"Ben," Jaewook very hesitantly says, "Do you want to come on my shoulders?" Ben continues to frown, not even looking at him. Appreciative of Jaewook's effort, I try to work with what he's started. From what I remember of one of my elective courses in first year, Ben should be developing in what they call 'theory of mind.' He's 23 months old, so his sense of self and realization that other people have feelings different from his own should be well established. "Ben. I can hold you up," the boy nods at me eagerly, "but I'm not tall enough. You still won't be able to see. I'm also not strong enough to carry you on my shoulders," I lie as I try to work with what Jaewook's given me. "Do you know who's tall and strong?" I ask. "Daddy," he doesn't hesitate to say. "Yes daddy, but who here is tall and strong." Reluctantly he looks up at Jaewook. "If Ben wants to see monkeys, he should accept Jaewook's offer. You know Ben, Jaewook's a very nice man and I think you'd like him a lot if you were nice to him. I know he wants to be friends with you," I cup a hand over my mouth and whisper "he told me secretly." Ben giggles. "Can you be nice and let Jaewook lift you up?" Ben looks into my eyes for a moment, contemplating before sensing the trust I have in what I'm saying. Like I expected, he seems to realize that Jaewook's not happy either and that he can help him feel better. He then turns around and looks up at Jaewook. "Wan see monkeys pease," he says with a blank face. Jaewook nervously smiles and squats down, opening his arms. "Come on," he smiles at the boy and motions for him to take his embrace. Ben looks back at me for a second for reassurance and then wraps his arms around Jaewook's neck. Jaewook easily stands up and holds him. "Ready to go higher? You're going to have to be strong and hold on okay?" Ben nods to him, his expression closed off but much improved from the previous hostility. Jaewook easily lifts him up and over his shoulders. Ben squeals from the fast movement, a smile blossoming on his face. "Wa!" He screams in delight as he mindlessly grabs onto Jaewook's hair, legs being held by Jaewook's hands. "Onee-chan, monkey!" He looks at me and points. I can't see a thing but I nod at him. "Do you want to see them too? I can make room up here," Jaewook jokes as he smirks at me. "There he is, I was wondering when he'd arrive." "What?" He chuckles. "You've been so quiet that I sometimes forgot you were even here." "Kids scare me," he mumbles. "Especially those that don't like me." I snicker. "Coming from the one that suggested wanting kids." "Well if they were our kids that would be a different story." "Oh really?" I raise an eyebrow. "Jaewook! There!" Ben pulls his hair like horse reins and he winces in pain. "Jaewook?" He says to me, referring to the highly informal use of his name by a two-year-old. "He doesn't know, let it be." . . . A few hours later we're sitting down eating hot dogs. I sometimes have to wipe Ben's mouth with a napkin as he gets ketchup all over his mouth. He seems in a daze as he lightly chomps on the hotdog—minus the bun—staring at the people that walk by. Interestingly, ever since Jaewook lifted him up on his shoulder's, the boy has been modelling him. Either walking beside him and watching the way he moves, or lightly touching his hair when Jaewook runs a hand through his own. Jaewook himself hasn't noticed this, but it's all too obvious to me, and I have to hold back my smile. Now he's staring at Jaewook as he grabs the bottle of cola he got and drinks from it. "I want it," Ben says in Japanese to Jaewook, which causes him to look confused and tilt his head. "Ben, remember Jaewook doesn't know Japanese, use daddy's words." The toddler hasn't quite understood the meaning behind Korean and Japanese, but he gets it once I mention my father. "I wan it," he says again in Korean. Jaewook grabs one of the empty plastic cups we got and is about to poor it in when Ben shouts "no," in Japanese. "Ben, no yelling." "But—" He looks up at me, unsure of how to express his feelings through words. "Want." He makes grabby hands at the cola bottle. Oh. "Just a little bit okay?" I hand him the bottle and help him sip a tiny bit of the cola without spilling. "He doesn't like cups?" Jaewook asks. "No, he has no problem with cups," I say with a knowing smile. "Then?" "Kids like to mimic adults, especially ones they admire." I look at Jaewook with a sly smile as he realizes what I'm saying. "Oh, but I thought he hated me?" "It seems your heroic act in the monkey exhibit changed his mind." Ben is clueless to our conversation as he takes another bite of his hotdog. . . . We sit on the bus now, beside each other with Ben on Jaewook's lap. The toddler has warmed up exceptionally to him; ever since I told Jaewook that he looks up to him, he's been making an effort to engage with him. Ben has his hands on Jaewook's face, something he does when he wants to get a message across. His dark eyes bore into Jaewook's as he talks about the monkeys for the millionth time. "Ben," Jaewook begins. "Ya?" "Can you call me hyung? It's what young boys call older boys in Korea." I snicker at Jaewook. "What?" He looks at me innocently before turning back to the boy. "Can you say it? Hyung." Ben stares at him nervously at first, his fingers making their way to his mouth as he thinks about it. "Hyung," he softly says. Once Jaewook smiles brightly at him, he smiles in return. "Noona, for once in my life someone has called me hyung." I roll my eyes at him. "Yeah, by a two-year-old that called you by your name earlier today." He fakes a pout at me. "What does he call your brother?" "Onii-san, he uses Japanese with him for some reason even though his Japanese sucks." He chuckles before turning his attention back to Ben. I smile the whole ride back, watching my little half brother that I love dearly show affection to someone else I love. It makes me uselessly dream about the future. Despite us being so young, there's something so organic and comforting at this moment that makes me hope that one day we really can have our own children. I can't believe I'm thinking this right now. I used to grimace at the thought of being bogged down by children—my career was always the one and only thing on my mind. But one person apparently was enough to deconstruct those ideas of mine, one look at him smiling at Ben and I feel like everything I thought I knew about myself was all wrong. But now I just wonder if a future like that could ever happen, especially with how the present is. ...