Chapter 6: Mimi

I can’t get him out of my head.

The last time I saw tears fall from Salvatore’s eyes was during that whole time of Frankie’s death.

From when we got word that it happened to the funeral.

This morning was the only other time I’d seen him look so distressed.

Distressed and enraged.

I’ve been worried since then about what he was going to do. I didn’t know if he was going to go after Gabe since he didn’t exactly promise he wouldn’t. He just said nothing and left.

It didn’t feel like the past whenever I’d ask him not to do a thing and he’d listen. It didn’t feel like that at all, but then… what did I expect?

I shuffle against the sofa as Gina comes out of the kitchen with a plate of sandwiches and a cup of hot chocolate.

She came over when I called her. I felt bad to take her away from her work during the middle of the day, but she insisted on coming.

“Please eat this, Mimi,” she says and sits opposite me.

“I can’t…” I shake my head. I haven’t eaten all day and it’s now going on six.

I’ve lost my appetite along with my will to do anything.

“Mimi, you’re not helping anybody by not eating. Don’t you have work later?”

“I do.”

“You gonna go?”

I nod. “Yeah there’s no point staying in and sulking. It would be foolish to do that. I don’t want this issue to affect me. It’s old news.”

“It’s not about it being old news Mimi. And fucking hell, it’s not even old news. We’re talking about last year. It was a big thing that happened to you and it affected you quite badly. You could have died.”

I’ve never thought of that part. The pain of losing my baby was so much that I never thought about how injured I was. You tend to forget your own pain when there’s a greater loss. What made it worse was me covering the bruises on my face from the accident with concealer and going back to the club pretending I’d had a cold.

That was shock and like I’d fucking lost my mind because I don’t know why I did that.

“I’m gonna say what I said last year again, although you won’t like me saying it… I think it may help you to speak to someone,” Gina says.

I frown. “Like a therapist?”

“Yes, like a therapist.”

“No, God. Fuck… I don’t want a therapist. I don’t want to share my worries and shit. That would actually make me feel worse.” It would. Dad made me see a therapist after mom died and I hated it. I get why Gina wants me to see one, because what happened to me was so bad but I just can’t. What I need is time and space to figure things out. “I know what I want and what I need.”

She shuffles and sits forward. “Mimi, I’m worried about you.”

“I know. I just feel like shit. I feel like shit for hurting Salvatore. He just deserved to know the truth.”

I wasn’t going to say anything. Last night was amazing and I almost believed I could do it. I almost believed I could be his doll.

Then I woke up in his arms this morning and fear hit me a hundredfold. The amazing night we shared just brought me so much closer to him than I could have imagined and the fear of that closeness struck me down like lightning.

My damn mind was all over the place and I realized I had to tell him what happened to me.

My secret. The secret about my baby girl I never got to have.

It was a girl. I was having a girl.

This time last year I was pregnant with her. In one month’s time it will be a year. I would never have imagined that I’d be sitting here on my sofa without her.

The week before I lost her I saw her on the ultrasound and was told how healthy she was. Everything was perfect and I got one of those pictures. It was the second one but the imaging was better. Prior to that I had the scan where they can tell the baby’s gender.

I was going to raise her on my own. I never planned to suddenly pop up with the news to Gabe and expect him to take care of me. At that point I knew he didn’t love me and it was clear we were just screwing around. No way was I going to kid myself into thinking that he would suddenly love me because I was pregnant.

“Mimi…” Gina taps my shoulder.

I look to her. “I just feel awful, Gina. Part of me didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to cause any trouble between them as brothers. But I had to tell him why I couldn’t be with him.”

I’m a coward that wants to retreat and run away. That’s what I felt like when the fear struck me in his arms. Like a coward.

But damn, right now I’d rather be the coward than put myself through what I went through last year ever again. Like I said to Salvatore, it would be worse with him. It would be worse with him because unlike Gabe, my feelings for Salvatore run deeper. Deeper than I’m ready to accept.

“I get it, and I understand. What do you think he’ll do?” she asks.

“I begged him not to say anything to Gabe. He shouldn’t … or rather he wouldn’t normally but nothing like this has ever happened before.” I grimace.

Her shoulders slump and she sighs. “I can’t say I blame him Mimi. I get that Gabe is this changed person and he is, but there was no justice for you while he was being an asshole.”

“I know… It’s taken me a long time to get to this point where I can look Gabe in the eye and feel normal, like I don’t hate him. I don’t and I want him to be happy. This thing with me now isn’t his problem. It’s just shit that’s caught up with me.”

It’s all caught up with me like a bad dream come to haunt me, and I can’t hate him anymore because he’s changed.

He’s completely changed and apologized to me many times for the way he treated me. Gabe made this big change around. But, he didn’t change for me. He changed for Charlotte.

He became the asshole I knew after she was taken away, then she came back to him and it was like he became human again. They’re married now and have a baby on the way. They’re a family and he’s the man I wish he could have been when he was with me.

I can’t say I feel nothing when I see them together, because I do. I think it’s natural that I would feel a certain kind of way. I’ve changed too though. I had to, to move on.

I had to push it all out of my mind.

Gina gives my hands a gentle squeeze and I return my attention to her. She’s really been there for me during this time and I appreciate her more than I could ever express.

“Look,” she says, lifting her shoulders. “I think you got shoved in a corner with your back against the wall with Salvatore’s offer. Suddenly the safety net of fooling around was gone and it made you look at reality. It made you face the problems you were shoving to the back of your mind. They’ve resurfaced because you didn’t deal with them properly.”

I agree, but I don’t want to face the problems more than I already have.

“I need to focus on myself right now. I want to get everything underway with the restaurant and take it from there.” That’s what I need. It’s my dream so I need to focus my attention on that.

She sighs then nods understanding. “Okay. I will be there to help set up.”

“Really Gina, you’d do that?” I know how busy she can be most days.

“Of course. You know I will be there.”

I give her a quick hug. “Thanks. Thanks so much. Having you there will be great.” It would be.

I’m about to sign the contract on a lease for the most amazing building. It’s the kind of building that was perfect in every way.

It’s in the heart of the city so I’m right there in the center of the action where all the people are. I made sure I found the perfect setting for the dreamlike restaurant I have in mind. Because it was previously a bistro, it has everything I need and just needs to be decorated to my liking. The best part is I have the money I need to lease the property and set everything up.

“You’ll be okay. I have faith in you.” She nods.

I appreciate hearing her say that. “Thanks, I guess now’s the time for me to have faith in myself.”

It would just be easier if I didn’t feel like this.

***

I stop by the coffee house before going into work.

I like writing down my business plans here. It’s a good place to study too. I managed to do a part-time diploma in culinary arts and catering at the community college. Sometimes Salvatore would meet me here and help me brainstorm my ideas for the restaurant. He was the first person I told about the building I found. He came to look at it with me.

I’m doing this now just to balance myself and think of my goals. My dreams.

I need to make myself feel better and focus on what I want most.

I’m sitting in the back again with a cup of hot chocolate.

I sip on it and look around.

There are two women sitting over from me. They look like mother and daughter.

The mother is laughing and she reaches for her daughter’s hand that has a giant diamond ring that undoubtedly some filthy rich bastard gave her.

Lucky bitch.

Listen to me. I’m just jealous. The daughter looks like she’s around my age and she looks like the kind of woman who has her head screwed on, most likely went to college and did all that stuff you’re meant to do. She looks like the prim princess, pampered by her parents. My father pampered me, but I’m not a princess or prim. Sometimes I wish I was though. I might be more into regular guys and not the bad boys. Not mobsters.

I can just bet her mom’s giving her some advice. She looks happy. As happy as I used to be with my mother.

We looked similar too. We had the same brown eyes and the same honey blond hair. I got my petite frame from her.

My happiest times were spent with her at the Dream House on Grandfather’s farm. It was a little fairytale cottage on the edge of the farm that overlooked the river. He built it for both his daughters to play in but it was Mom’s. The thing literally looked like it was pulled from a fairytale. We’d talk about everything we dreamed of doing no matter how big or small. No matter how bizarre. That’s what we’d do.

I loved her so much and I loved that she was the kind of mom to always make time for me no matter how busy she was. Mom was rushed off her feet most days working at the State’s Attorney and D.A’s office because she was P.A to the State’s Attorney at the time and trying to pursue a legal career.

She always made time for our little trips though. Always.

My mother would have been fifty-five this year if she hadn’t taken her life.

I shouldn’t be angry… it’s always sad when someone commits suicide. I was twelve when she died and I wish every day that I could have done something different to help her.

My current debacle makes me wish I still had her. I think if I did my situation with Gabe would never have happened, and right now I’d be happy to say yes to Salvatore, the man who’s always been there for me.

It was Mom who taught me to cook.

I was five when I first joined her in the kitchen. By the time I was twelve I was making up recipes of my own and cooking up the cuisine meals she taught me.

Mom always wanted me to take it further and said I had that natural talent.

Jesus… I even started going to Camp Master Chef from when I was nine.

Then I just lost my way after she died. That’s what happened. I won’t lie and say that wasn’t the cause of my procrastination.

Without her and her inspiration it was all hard.

I’ve wanted a restaurant since forever but kept putting it off because I lost the faith in myself she gave me and I didn’t know if I had what it took to pull it off.

Just when I started to heal on some level, I took the plunge to put the plan in motion. I was even talking to my father about it, then Gabe happened.

That’s close to four years ago, although if I’m honest, it’s more like five. So no mere length of time.

I was twenty-four at the time. I never went to college and saw it as the thing I was going to do. Except when Gabriel Giordano started showing interest in me that suddenly came first.

It pushed the dream to the back of beyond and so much shit has happened since.

I need to find myself again.

As much as I want to be with Salvatore, I think I owe it to myself to fix me first. Accomplishing this goal will help me do that.

I hold on to that thought as I make my way to the club.

Jenna doesn’t say anything to me tonight. Good. I’m not in the mood to be nice or fake it.

Besides I’m sure that she can tell from the way I’m dressed that I won’t be dolled up for anybody tonight. Tonight I’m in a little skater dress that looks like something I’d wear to the park.

I head straight to the dressing rooms and get into my usual routine, checking all the staff are here and that all the areas for sex have what they need. Mainly condoms.

It was only after I did all that that I braved checking the lounge to see if Salvatore was here.

He wasn’t and not anywhere he usually is when he’s here.

Hours pass and I don’t see him. It’s been well over a year since he gave the club a miss. Even when he’s been busy at Giordanos Inc. he still comes by. I guess that was just to see me.

“Yo Mimi,” comes Nick’s voice when I walk out to the downstairs foyer. He looks like he’s leaving.

“Hey,” I smile at him.

“I’m on my way out. So, you’re in charge, boss lady. You’re the only Giordano on the premises,” he cajoles and I find myself smiling.

“Nicky,” I still call him that, everyone used to when we were kids. “You keep forgetting I’m a Cipriani.”

“Whateva, you’re as good as a Giordano to me so you’re the main attraction tonight.”

The guys have this thing about one of them always being onsite. They’re as much of an attraction as the club. So him telling me that is a massive compliment.

I just wish I could feel better to receive it.

“Isn’t Salvatore coming?” I ask. It’s a foolish question since it’s close to nine and if he was coming he would have already been here.

Nick laughs. “You’d know more than me on that front. Relax. I’m sure your boy is just making himself look pretty for you.”

I smile a smile I don’t feel. “Yeah, must be that.”

“I gotta go. My kid wants me home. He says I make better waffles than my girl.”

“Nicky… you are so sweet going home to make waffles,” I beam and his eyes sparkle with a smile.

“Yeah, well don’t let nobody hear you say that or they’ll make the mistake of thinking I’ve gone soft. Catch you later.”

“Night.”

“Stay out of trouble,” he smiles and I widen my eyes at him in complete surprise because if anyone still needs to stay out of trouble it’s him. Of course in true Nick style though my reaction is completely lost on that guy as he walks away exuding that badass vibe they all have.

Maybe he’s right. Stay out of trouble. Had I even homed in on common sense a while back trouble would never have come for me.

It wouldn’t come for me now with this conflict in my soul.

I watched Nick go and knew as the frosted glass doors with the gold Dark Odyssey logo swung closed that no one else would be coming tonight.

Salvatore wouldn’t be coming.

And because I know what these guys are like I wonder whose bed he might be in tonight.

Tonight is the first in a long time that I wouldn’t know.

I wouldn’t be there next to him as a friend or otherwise.