Chapter 40
“You guys have been nothing but amazing to me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I just want to scream. My thoughts are so evil. I try to be good but they always hurt me. I love you guys so much.” I paused to wipe the tears that were streaming down my face. “I just don’t know what to do. I’m trapped in my head. I just need for everything to stop.” I let out the sobs that I was holding in. Dad immediately brought me into his loving arms.
“You’re okay Bri. Just let it all out. It’s okay.” He rubbed my hair as I sobbed into his chest. My sobs slowly turned into yelling. I just screamed and cried till I couldn’t anymore. I just laid there on his chest while he stroked my head and rubbed my back. “Do you feel better?” I just nodded. I felt a lot better. It’s so much easier to unload it than keep it inside. “You need to talk to us when you feel like this or even have a slightly uncomfortable thought. You deserve everything and more. You just need to remember you are not alone. You have a whole army behind you. You’re a warrior.”
You’re a warrior.
You’re a warrior.
You’re a warrior.
You’re a warrior.
That sentence kept running through my head. Am I really?
“I’m so sorry. I messed up. I didn’t even mean it. I don’t know what I would do without you guys. You guys are my rocks.”
“No need for apologies. You’re forgiven. You were the moment I got that call. We all love and care for you. I was so worried you were going to do something while I was trying to get to you. I yelled at the boys. No matter how they felt, they should have never left you. Family is forever.” I smiled through my tears.
“I love you Dad.”
“I love you too Baby.” We sat in silence for a bit before he lifted me up. He held me with one hand while the other lowered the bed into a more laying down position. He then laid me down and tucked me in.
“Dad?” He hummed while making sure I was comfortable. “I don’t want to talk to the boys about this. Will you please explain to them that I didn’t mean it and I-”
“Rallenta Principessa. It’s okay. I will talk to them soon. First I need you to rest.” He finished tucking me in and sat next to me. “Don’t worry il Tesoro, I’m not leaving you. No matter how much you ever want me to, I’m staying here. Now close those beautiful eyes.” I gave him a smile and closed my eyes. Sleep took over immediately and I was whisked away into dreamland.
Opening your eyes when you have no motivation is very hard but add cancer to that and it’s nearly impossible. I just have to face the fact that I am depressed. I can’t keep running and denying it any longer. I need to not blame anyone or anything anymore. I know my past is hard but the word past means that it’s over. I can still feel it but I can’t let it define me any longer. I need to live in the moment. Life can be very short so I need to stop wasting time dwelling on the past and start living the present. I breathe and that’s more than some people have so I need to be appreciative. It’s okay to feel down and left behind but I can try and help myself. No one can go through this battle for me. I am the only one living my life so I need to start acting like it. I opened my eyes with greed for the first time in a while. I looked up at the hospital ceiling and just did nothing. I wasn’t looking for anything or even moving. I took a deep breath. I inhaled all of my problems, all of my pain, all of my doubts, and just held it. I let that breath run through my entire body, letting it cleanse all of me. I slowly exhaled all of my baggage. I let myself become light and free. I let a small smile come to my face.
I am ready for today.
I am ready to live.
I slowly lifted my bed into a sitting position and looked around my room. Dad was there, of course, sitting on “his” chair. I looked around and saw Ethan laying upside down on the little hospital couch annoying Brandon by putting his feet in Brandon’s face. Trevor and Jake were in the other set of chairs playing chess together.
You heard me, chess.
I know what you’re thinking, they are too stupid for chess. Well, they are. I think it’s a game of who sucks less. Anyway, I finally saw Grayson, Elli, and John sitting on the floor playing Crazy8 together through Imessage. I leaned over and grabbed Dad’s hand.
“Good Morning, Dad.” Dad quickly turned toward me and gave me a big smile.
“Good morning, Sweetheart. You seem to be in a good mood.” I offered him a bigger smile and nodded.
“I realized that I am depressed, and that’s okay, however, I need to start living life and stop letting my past define me.” Dad gave me an impressed look that was soon covered up by a grin.
“I’m so proud of you, my love. I’m glad you have come to realize that.” I giggled and nodded.
“We are also so proud of you, Beautiful. You deserve the world and I can’t wait for us to show it to you.” Jake spook up from the side of my bed. I turned and looked at the boys and smiled.
“Thank you guys for not giving up on me.”
“Of course Bri. You are amazing.” Trevor said.
“Well, what can I do while I’m here. I kinda am very bored.” Grayson and Ethan looked at each other and smirked. They both shot up out of their spots and rushed out into the hall.
“Those two are literally crackheads,” Brandon said while shaking his head. I let out a belly laugh and bent over in the bed. The rest of the boys joined in and laughed at Brandon’s statement. I was about to ask what we could do again but Ethan and Grayson burst through the door with two wheelchairs.
“What are you guys planning on doing with those?” Dad asked while standing up from “his” chair smirking. They looked at each other then back at us.
“Wheelchair races!” They both screamed at the same time.
“Hell yeah!” John said while running over to the pair. The rest of the boys went over to Ethan and Grayson.
“Well, this isn’t fun for me,” I mumbled while looking at the boys fighting over who gets to go first. Dad just smiled at me and then held up his fingers. 3,2,1. He then looked at the door as a nurse walked in. She just smiled and did something with my IV. The nurse must have put my IV on a moveable pole because she rolled it right to me and allowed me to stand up. I had to hold onto Dad because my legs were weak. I gave him a worried look and he looked at me with pity.
“It’s just a side effect from the chemo. You’re okay.” I gave him a small smile and nodded. I wasn’t going to let this make this day bad. “Can one of you idiots please bring a wheelchair over here?” All of the boys finally looked over here and gave me million-dollar smiles.
“Oh my gosh, Bri!” Ethan came running over and let me sit in one of the two wheelchairs.
“You ready to lose Eeteeweetee.” He gave me a smirk and scoffed.
“Not a chance Nannies.” I rolled my eyes and started to roll myself to the door. Ethan stole the other wheelchair from Grayson, ignoring his protests.
“Where are we going to do the races?” The nurse smirked and came over to my wheelchair. She connected my whole IV to the back of the wheelchair so we didn’t need to roll it separately. She took over pushing me and led us to the elevators. The boys quickly caught up, leaving Ethan in the dust.
“Hey! You guys are leaving me.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes.
“Someone go get him please.” Trevor rolled his eyes and went back for Ethan. Ethan immediately threw his hands up and screamed “Weee”. Trevor threw the chair forward and Ethan fell out. We all started to laugh. Even the doctors and nurses around us started to laugh. Ethan just huffed and got back in. He crossed his arms and pouted. We were finally on our way to the mystery place. The nurse finally spoke up after not saying anything the whole time.