Chapter 15

They both kept looking back at her, but she tried to avoid eye contact with them. Never had she felt so ashamed and weak. To let herself once again fall under Caerwyn’s power was too much. She worked so hard to let him go, and now she was right back where she started. She hated that she had let him have her. She hated even more than she wanted him again.

It did no good to want him. She could never have him. He spoke to her of choices he wished he had made. He talked to her of regret and needing her, and it broke down her defenses. She let herself believe that perhaps he had changed his mind. Maybe this time he would go against his father and tradition. Perhaps, she could have him.

For some reason, just as he looked to be about to claim her, she woke up from her trance. No matter what he spoke of that night, she knew his feelings would not last. Once he had his pleasure from her and his blood cooled, he would go right back to saying his place was as the Bright One, alone. He would tell her she was better off following the prophecy.

She could not let herself be claimed by him and then rejected later. She knew if that happened she would never get over it. So she let herself have one last kiss with him as they both reached their completion. She let her mind forget for one second that what was happening could never happen again. She found her pleasure in feeling him release deep inside of her. It was a sort of claiming without being official. She could move on it from it.

Moving on would not be easy. No matter how much she told herself it was over, a small part of her still hoped it would be different. That small part longed for Caerwyn. She tried to quiet it, but it never completely died down. It was something she would have to live with, but she could not let it control her.

As badly as Caerwyn’s looks made her feel, it was nothing compared to Conri’s gaze of concern. Every time he looked at her or tried to speak with her, she felt shame and guilt fill her. She tried to tell herself she owed him nothing. They had only shared a few kisses and halfway meaningful conversations. She told herself, the man had been sharing favors with another woman until just recently, but she did not find herself convincing.

She felt she had betrayed Prince Conri. How could she ever be destined for the man as evil and unfeeling as she was? She gave herself to not just any man, but the one who was bound to the prince. She felt she needed to confess all to him. She hated to hurt him, but he needed to know just how unsuitable she was. She doubted she could even be his First Advisor with how deep her deception had been, but she would try to rebuild their relationship. She may never be his queen, but she could still help him in some way.

“What is troubling you, my lady?” asked Aron as he rode by her side.

“I don’t know what you mean. Everything is fine. I will be happy to have a soft bed tonight as I am sure we all will, but since our first night, this journey has gone more smoothly than I thought.”

He sighed loudly before speaking softly. “Eleri, I know something is troubling you. You have barely said two words, and you are avoiding the two young men in front of us. Now, you know you will feel better if you talk about it.”

“I don’t believe I will, Aron. What is on my mind is my own burden. I have no one to blame but myself for my troubles. I will suffer the consequences as they come and deal with it.”

Aron moved his horse closer to her. “Does this have to do with Caerwyn? If he has done something or said something to dishonor you, I will not have it.”

“No. He is not to blame. Please do not approach him. What is truly troubling me is my own doing.”

“But it has something to do with him, doesn’t it?” Aron looked up at Caerwyn. “I hate all the pain you have experienced because of him. I hope you know you are better off without anything he has to offer. He is not a man who could give you the security, attention, or love you need.”

“I have told myself that many times, Aron. I believe I almost had myself convinced, but I failed in letting him go again. I am a weak woman.”

“You are not,” he said adamantly. “I will not have you call yourself weak. You are not perfect, but you cannot help how you feel. Perhaps it would have been better had your attentions and attractions been aimed towards a better man, but I don’t believe you were meaning to fall for anyone.”

“I was not. I knew someday I would have to find a mate and husband. My family line must be carried on, but I was determined it would not be for many years. You already know how I feel about the prophecy. I wanted to prove I was above my instincts and old magic. I was fool it seems.”

“You only want what all of us want, Eleri. We want to control our own destinies, but when it comes down to it, we are all bound to fate in some way.”

“How do you mean?”

“You don’t get to choose where or when you are born into this world. You don’t get to choose who your mother and father are. I was born the son of an upper guard of the king. I was always destined to serve in some way. You were born the only child of the First Advisor of Elathia. No matter if you believe in the prophecy or not, you still have a responsibility to the land and your future king.”

She nodded. “I know. I am afraid I have fallen short of what I need to be to live out my calling.”

“You are very young, Eleri. You are still finding your way. I know your father has told you this.”

“Perhaps, but soon many things will happen. We are taking our prince to be fully blessed, and I will have to step into my role to advise him. Caerwyn will have to be focused on keeping him safe. I cannot let distractions take me from my task. I cannot let myself be a distraction for others.”

Aron looked at her with a small smile. “Distractions are not always bad. Sometimes they remind us what we are fighting for. Just be careful that you chose those distractions wisely. I would hate for you to be led into anything you would regret. Whether it is by someone else or your own desires.”

They rode on throughout the day into the late afternoon. Eleri was careful to stay close to Aron. The prince came to her a few times to speak with her. She tried to answer his questions and make cheerful conversation with him, but she was sure she had failed. In the end, she told him she was only tired and would recover her spirits after a rest.

They came to the Farrow manor just as the sun was starting to sink behind it. Eleri looked up at it, wondering if a warm bed was really worth what she would have to deal with inside. Bren Farrow was not her favorite person. He was rude, condescending, and made sure Eleri knew he did not think her worthy of her place. The Farrows were an old family who sat on the council of the king. Bren seemed to think he would make a much better First Advisor than her.

Arriving at the front door, Eleri went to hop down to be met by Caewyn who stood by her horse’s side with his hand out. She hesitated before taking it and slipping down off her horse. He leaned in close to her and whispered, “I need to speak with you.”

She stared at him, wanting to tell him there was nothing she wished to speak of with him, but she thought it might be better to get everything out in the open. “Come to the room I am in after all have gone to bed. We will speak, and that will be all.”

He looked like he would say more to her, but he only nodded and let her hand go. A few servants exited the home, and Caerywn turned to give them instructions as Prince Conri walked over to Eleri.

“I guess none of the family will come out and meet us,” said the prince.

“It is just Lord Farrow and his son most likely. Lord Farrow is older and sometimes not well. His son thinks too much of himself. I am sure we will see them once we enter.”

Prince Conri held out his arm to her. “Shall we go in then?”

She sighed and took his arm, letting him lead her to the door. They entered the vast entry hall that was a little overdone for her taste with its golden-edged walls and marble floors. She longed for the warmth of her home. Her family’s manor was very fine, but it was built for comfort. The Farrow house looked to be made to impress.

“I am sorry I could not make it out to greet you properly,” said Lord Farrow as he hobbled over to them, leaning on a cane. “It takes me a while to get anywhere.”

Eleri let go of Prince Conri’s arm and sunk into a curtsey. “It is no matter, my lord. We are imposing on you to break our journey. We are very grateful to be here.”

“You are not imposing, my lady. You alone would be a grand enough visitor to open the estate, but I see you have brought a very interesting guest with you. Is this the prince?”

“Yes, Lord Farrow, let me present to you Prince Conri Guildian of the great golden gray wolves. He is the true ruler of Elathia.”

Lord Farrow bowed the best he could with his cane. “It is an honor to have you here, your highness. I hope you will be very comfortable and feel welcomed.”

“The honor is mine, my lord. I am very happy to be here in your grand home.”

Eleri turned as Caerwyn walked into the hall. Lord Farrow moved a few steps forward. “Bright One, it is very good to see you safe and well. I am glad you have found your prince and are by his side. Seeing all three of you here brings me a great hope I have not felt for some time. It is as it should be.”

Eleri looked at Caerwyn and then Prince Conri and nodded. She was where she was needed and supposed to be. She was the Frist Advisor, and she belonged by her ruler's side. Caerwyn was the guardian and guide of Prince Conri. He needed to be close to his prince. To save the land and keep their future king safe, they both needed to be they were destined. No more would she be distracted. Her land and prince would come before anything else.

“Where is your son, my lord?” asked Caerwyn. “I thought he would meet us outside.”

Lord Farrow shook his head for a moment with a frown. “Bren has gone out into the kingdom to visit some friends. I told him it was not the time for it, but you know how well he listens. He should be here greeting his future king, but there is nothing I could do about it. He is too old to punish, and I am too feeble to go after him. I hope you will forgive him, my prince, though he might not deserve it.

“I hope he is safe on his journey, my lord. I hold him no ill will for his travels,” said Prince Conri gallantly.

Eleri tried to hide her sigh of relief. She had been dreading seeing Bren, and for him to be absent, it was one less thing she had to worry about. A servant showed them to their rooms where Eleri spent a long time soaking in a warm bath. She tried not to focus on her worries, but in the end, they were all she could think upon. She supposed she deserved the anguish she felt. It was a mess of her own making.

They ate a mostly quiet supper in which Lord Farrow asked a few questions of Caerwyn and Prince Conri. Eleri kept mostly silent as she sat next to the prince. He asked after her well-being a few times, and she assured him she was well. After supper, Lord Farrow saw them to the parlor before excusing himself, saying he was too old to stay up late. He left them with tea and drink, telling them he would see them in the morning.

“None of us should stay up late,” said Caerwyn as he sat in a chair close to the fire.

“No, and I think I’ll go on up to my room now.” Eleri finished her tea and stood up.

“Let me walk you up,” said Prince Conri rising from the place next to her.

They both said goodnight to Caerwyn and walked together to the stairs.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about sleeping in a warm, soft bed,” remarked the prince.

Eleri gave him a small smile. “Is traveling not all you thought it would be?”

“I have enjoyed much of it, but I can do without sleeping on the hard ground. I have been much too cold as well. I am afraid I am rather soft and pampered.”

“You have done fine on the journey. Even the most weathered traveler prefers a real bed over the ground. When you are king and travel you will stay in fine inns or huge tents with soft pallets. This will not be your life, always.”

They walked up the stairs to the second floor where their rooms were located. As they got to the landing they turned to the right towards Eleri’s room. The prince looked behind him before taking her hand.

“I know you said you were just tired, but I can tell something else is bothering you. You are unsettled, and it has caused me to feel it. Please tell me what is wrong.”

Eleri looked down the hallway before shaking her head. “It is nothing you need to worry about, my prince.”

“But I do worry about it, Eleri. I cannot help it when it has to do with you. You must know how important you are becoming to me. I cannot stand to see you suffer in any way.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling tears come to them for some reason. She was not much of a crier, but the concern in the prince’s eyes combined with the way he was rubbing her hand was too much.

She took her hand away from him. “I do not deserve your concern, Conri. If it wasn’t for the fact I was bonded to you as your First Advisor, I would say you should send me away from you. Perhaps you still can. You could appoint a new First Advisor. One that would serve you well.”

He took a small step back before recovering and taking her hand again. “I have no idea why you would speak so, but I know it is not true. I want no one but you by my side. Even if it all plays out where you are my queen, I will take none other as my First Advisor. I trust you, Eleri. I don’t think I will ever trust anyone as I do you.”

“You don’t know what you are saying.” She reached up with her free hand and swiped at a tear that escaped her eye. “You barely know me. How can you trust me?”

“Because everything in me says I should. Whatever you think you have done to not deserve my loyalty is nothing. It cannot be as bad as you believe.” He pulled her closer. “I think I might forgive you for anything if there is really anything that needs forgiving.”

“There is, and I want so badly to tell you all. I am afraid of messing up things further.” She wiped her face again and took a deep breath, composing herself. “Just know from this point forward nothing shall come before you and the well-being of our land. I will see you on the throne, and I will help you make Elathia as it should be for as long as you want me to.”

He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. “I will always want you near me. I hope you will tell me what is troubling you, but I will not force you.” He smiled a little. “You know how impatient and impulsive I am, but I can wait for you. I would do anything to see you happy.”

She leaned forward to kiss his cheek when he turned his head, catching her lips. He kissed her tenderly as he gently pulled her to him. It felt as though for one second all the turmoil within her stopped. She could almost hear her wolf groan in relief as she settled against him, feeling his arms go around her. She reached up and caressed his face as he deepened their kiss. She wanted nothing more than to get lost in him.

Being with him was so different than Caerwyn. With Caerywn it was all fire and desire. She was afraid his touch and love would burn her alive. When Conri held her and kissed her, there was still desire, but it was mixed with peace. She felt as though she would be set adrift as soon as he let her go.

She pulled back as guilt mixed in with her contentment. How could she give herself so freely to Caerwyn one night, and then kiss Conri so tenderly the next?

“We need to go to bed,” she said as she moved out of his arms and looked at the floor.

“Eleri, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

She looked up at him. “You have no reason to be sorry. You are wonderful. It is I who should be sorry, and I am. Trust me when I say, you are better off without me. There must be another who deserves you more than I.”

He shook his head. “I want no other. I know you do not wish to listen to the prophecy, but this has nothing to do with it, or if it does, I don’t care. There is none other I feel as right with than you.”

“You have seen little of the land and meet few people. Once you see and experience more, you will see how unsuitable I am. Good night, my prince.” She opened her door and stepped in quickly, closing it behind her before he could say anything else.

She undressed and put on a heavy nightgown she had packed with her. Placing her robe over it, she sat by her small fireplace and waited for Caerwyn to come. After her conversation with Prince Conri, she wished she could have a couple of glasses of wine and go to bed.

She didn’t have to wait long. A soft knock on her door caused her to get up and answer it. Caerwyn entered without either saying a word. They both stood in the middle of the room, each not knowing what to do.

“Would you like to sit for a moment?” she finally asked as she moved over to the fireplace where two chairs sat.

He walked over and sat next to her, leaning forward. “Why did you leave last night? I had things I wished to say to you.”

“I am sure you can guess why I left. You must know that last night was a mistake. I let my feelings and urges get the better of me.”

“I cannot agree that it was a mistake. Loving you never feels wrong, Eleri. It might be one of the only times I feel truly alive. I think being with you is the only thing I have done because I wanted to do it.”

She looked aside for a moment, feeling her longing for him grow again. “Still, you are not bound by your wants. You must do what you need to do.”

“What if I believe I need you? What I said last night was the truth. I have been a fool for too long. and I want us to work. I don’t see how I can go forward without us being together.”

She closed her eyes, feeling her breathing increase. How many times had she longed to hear him say those things to her? In the past, she would have jumped into his arms and kissed him. She would have believed him. Now, she had experienced too much. Too many times he had told her and shown her what he would really do with his life. It was true that a small part of her still hoped she could be with him, but the larger, wiser part knew it was impossible.

“You saw this now, and you might even believe it, but soon you will go back to who you have always been. You are the Bright One. You are bound to the prince and land. There is no room in your life for me.”

“There has to be room for you because my whole life depends on you.” He reached forward and took her hand. “In everything I do, I think about you. That first night on the trip, my priority should have been the prince. Instead, I ran out trying to help you because I believed you were in danger. I gave no thought to Prince Conri’s safety because my thoughts were all of you.

“Eleri, I know what I have said and done in the past, but it is different now. Seeing you with the prince has made me realize that I cannot bear to see you with anyone but me.”

She took her hand from him. “See, all of this is nothing more than jealousy and some primal urge to claim me. I will not become some lifelong regret for you because you acted impulsively once in your life. It is why I turned my head from you last night, and why I left as soon as I could. I will not see you miserable because of me.”

“But you will see me miserable if you reject what I am offering you now. I love you, Eleri. I have for a long time. You told me I was before I would admit it, and you were right.”

Eleri stood and walked away. She would not cry in front of Caerwyn. She had begged him before to give them a chance. She had hoped and dreamed of a time he would choose her, but now that it seemed to be happening, it felt so empty.

“I cannot do it, Caerwyn. I can’t let myself believe. I have spent so much time trying to harden my heart to the idea of us. I have found a way to go on, but if I have to do it again, I don’t know if I can.”

He got up and walked to her. Reaching out, he caressed her cheek. “Please, Eleri. Let me show you it will be different this time. Let me prove it to you. I will try to find a way to serve the prince and Elathia while being with you, but if it comes down to it, I will choose you.”

She stared up at him, feeling as though she wanted to throw herself into his arms. She wanted to love him and experience the fire that ran through her. She wanted to let herself kept swept up in all he was. She could live in the moment and forget about what could happen in the future. She could live on hope and promises and push all her doubts aside. Maybe it would truly be different.

She stepped back out of his reach. “I cannot do this, not now. There is too much at stake for the land and the people. We must focus on helping the prince find his true place.”

Caerwyn sighed and threw his head back. “Will you at least not completely dismiss what I am telling you? Will you agree to not give up on us?”

She considered his words. She thought of her gentle kiss with Prince Conri earlier. Everything was such as mess, and in truth, she did not know what she wanted. “I don’t have an answer for you right now, Caerwyn. I need time. We have to put aside whatever it is for the time being. Let’s crown our king, and then we will see where we are. I know it isn’t what you want to hear, but it is all I can say.”

“Then I guess it will have to do. Know this, Eleri. I am serious about what I say. I will tell it to my father. I will do it with you by my side if that is what you want. I will keep the prince safe, and I will see him our king. Above all, I will make plans for us. I will find a way to show you that you and I belong together.”

She smiled slightly. “You know me, Caerwyn. I always have an open mind.”

He chuckled softly. “In some things.” He walked forward towards her. “Eleri, I want you to know I understand how badly I have hurt you. I know it is hard to trust me after all that has happened, but I will do what I can to earn your trust back.”

“Then focus on our prince. Do your duty, and I will do mine. We were both born into this world with a purpose. We must see to it.” She hugged her arms to herself. “I am tired, and we still have a ways to go to the temple. I wish to sleep, and you should go to your bed.”

Caerwyn nodded before walking towards the door. He stopped when he got to it and turned to look at her. She thought he would say something else, but instead, he only bowed slightly before leaving the room.

She looked at her bed before settling in a chair before the fire. She poured herself a glass of wine from the small pitcher found there, knowing she would be wasting one of the few nights she would have a comfortable room on their journey.