Chapter 161: The Quiet Hours

Cressida's pov

The dormitory room was cold and the fire had burned low and the candles were flickering and the shadows were long.

I sat on the edge of my bed with my knees pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around myself and my eyes fixed on the wall. Ember was curled beside me and her purr was soft and steady and her warmth was a comfort. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the quiet was there too. The quiet of the empty room and the quiet of the night and the quiet of being alone. The silence pressed in on me from all sides and the weight of it settled on my chest like a stone.

I had been sitting here for hours and my mind was drifting and my thoughts were wandering and my heart was heavy. The weight of everything was pressing down on me and I could not shake it. The witches and the war and the frost. The council and the enforcers and the hunters. Lucian and Raven and Benita and Tasha. Niko and his return and his apology and his promise. The faces blurred together and the voices echoed in my skull and the fear was a constant companion.

I stroked Ember's fur and her purr grew louder and her warmth seeped into my cold skin. Her little body vibrated against my leg and her eyes were half closed and her trust was absolute. She did not care about the witches or the war or the frost. She only cared about warmth and food and being close to me.

"What am I doing?" I whispered.

She meowed and I did not understand.

"I came here for revenge," I said. "I came here to burn this academy to the ground. I came here to make the wolves pay for what they did."

She looked at me with her amber eyes and her head tilted and her purr continued. The firelight caught the edges of her fur and the shadows danced across her face.

"But I did not burn it down. I fell in love. I found friends. I found a home."

I pressed my hand to my chest and the frost was on my skin and the cold was in my heart. I could feel it spreading and I could feel it deepening and I could feel it consuming me. The ice was always there now and it was always waiting and it was always hungry.

"I am not the same person I was," I said. "I am not the same person who walked through those gates. I am not the same person who crashed that motorcycle. I am not the same person who wanted revenge."

She meowed again and I still did not understand.

"I am scared," I said. "I am scared that I am losing myself. I am scared that I am becoming something I do not recognize. I am scared that the frost is going to consume me."

She curled closer and her warmth was a comfort and her presence was a anchor. I held her and my body shook and my tears were warm on my cold skin.

"Sometimes I think about my mother," I said. "I think about her hands and her voice and her smile. I think about the way she held me and the way she protected me and the way she loved me."

My voice cracked and the tears came and I could not stop them. I had been holding them in for so long and they came out in a flood. My shoulders heaved and my breath came in ragged gasps and my hands fisted in the blankets.

"I miss her," I said. "I miss her so much. I miss her every single day."

The night stretched on and the fire crackled and the candles flickered and the room was quiet.

I lay on the bed and Ember was curled on my chest and her purr was a soft vibration against my skin. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the comfort was there too. The comfort of her warmth and her presence and her love.

"What happens now?" I asked.

She meowed and I did not understand.

"What happens when the war comes? What happens when the witches come? What happens when I lose control?"

She looked at me and her amber eyes were steady. She did not have the answers and she did not pretend to have them. She just looked at me and waited.

"I do not know," I said. "I do not know if I am strong enough. I do not know if I am brave enough. I do not know if I am good enough."

She meowed again and I still did not understand.

"But I have to try," I said. "I have to fight. I have to survive."

She purred and her warmth was a comfort and her presence was a anchor.

"I am not alone," I said. "I am not alone."

The morning came and the light was pale and the snow was falling and the world was white.

I sat on the bed and Ember was curled beside me and her purr was soft and steady. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the hope was there too. The hope that I would find my way and the hope that I would survive and the hope that I would be okay.

I looked out the window and the snow was falling and the world was quiet. The frost on the glass was beautiful and the snow was soft and the sky was gray. The world was white and still and peaceful.

"Thank you," I whispered.

Ember meowed and I understood.

She was telling me that she was there. That she would always be there. That I was not alone.

I leaned down and pressed my face to her fur and her purr was soft and steady.

"I love you," I said.

She meowed and I understood.