Chapter 157 Silence...silence... silence...
Chapter 157 Silence...silence... silence...
Cressida's pov
The dormitory room was cold and the fire had burned low and the candles were flickering and the shadows were long.
I sat on the edge of my bed with my knees pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around myself and my eyes fixed on the wall. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the sadness was there too. The sadness that had been building for weeks and the loneliness that had been growing for months and the weight that was finally breaking me. The walls felt like they were closing in and the ceiling felt like it was pressing down and the air felt like it was too thin to breathe.
I had been sitting here for hours and the tears had dried on my cheeks and the ache in my chest had settled into something dull and heavy. The message in the kitchen kept replaying in my mind and the words carved into the ice kept echoing in my skull.
The winter is coming. And so are we.
They were already inside. The witches were already inside and I had not even felt them. I had not sensed them and I had not stopped them and I had not protected anyone. I was supposed to be the key and I was supposed to be the answer and I was supposed to end the war. But I could not even keep them out of a kitchen.
The door opened and Raven walked in.
Her dark curls were wild and her eyes were tired and her face was pale. She had been running and her breath was ragged and her hands were shaking. She crossed the room and sat beside me and her shoulder pressed against mine and her voice was soft. The warmth of her presence seeped into my cold skin and the weight on my chest eased just a little.
"Cressida."
"Raven."
"I have been looking for you."
"I have been here."
"I know."
She reached for my hand and her fingers were warm and her grip was firm. I looked at our joined hands and the frost on my skin began to melt where she touched me.
"Talk to me," she said.
"About what?"
"About what is happening. About what you are feeling. About what you are scared of."
I was quiet for a moment and my voice was small. The words felt heavy and they did not want to come out.
"I am scared of everything."
"Everything?"
"The witches. The war. The frost. The cold. The magic. The fear." I paused and my voice cracked. "I am scared that I am going to lose myself. I am scared that I am going to lose everyone I love. I am scared that I am not strong enough to fight this."
She squeezed my hand and her voice was steady. "You are not alone."
"I feel alone."
"You are not alone."
"I feel like I am drowning."
"Then let me pull you out."
I looked at her and her dark eyes were steady and her face was open and her voice was soft. She was not going anywhere and she was not giving up and she was not leaving me.
"How?" I asked.
"By being here. By listening. By not leaving."
I pressed my face to her shoulder and my body shook and my tears were warm. I had been holding them in for so long and they came out in a flood. My shoulders heaved and my breath came in ragged gasps and my hands fisted in her shirt.
"I am so tired," I said.
"I know."
"I am so tired of being scared."
"I know."
"I am so tired of being strong."
"I know."
She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight and her voice was soft. The warmth of her body seeped into mine and the cold receded and the fear eased.
"You do not have to be strong all the time."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you do not."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you do not."
She pulled back and looked at my face and her eyes were steady. The firelight caught the edges of her face and the shadows danced across her skin.
"You are allowed to break," she said. "You are allowed to fall apart. You are allowed to be weak."
I stared at her and my voice was broken. "What if I cannot put myself back together?"
"Then I will help you."
"How?"
"I do not know. But I will find a way."
The fire crackled and the candles flickered and the room was quiet.
I lay on the bed and Raven lay beside me and her hand was in mine and her fingers were warm. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the warmth was there too. The warmth of her presence and the warmth of her friendship and the warmth of being together. The weight on my chest eased and the ache in my heart softened and the tears dried on my cheeks.
"Do you remember the first time we met?" she asked.
"I remember."
"You were standing in the dining hall and you looked like you wanted to run."
"I wanted to run."
"But you did not."
"I did not."
"Why?"
I was quiet for a moment and my voice was soft. "Because you smiled at me."
"I smiled at you?"
"You smiled at me and I felt like I was not alone."
She squeezed my hand and her voice was steady. "You are not alone."
"I know."
"You will never be alone."
"I know."
I turned my head and looked at her and her dark curls were wild and her eyes were tired but her smile was real.
"Thank you," I said.
"For what?"
"For being here. For staying. For not giving up on me."
She squeezed my hand and her voice was steady. "I will never give up on you."
The night came and the fire burned low and the candles guttered and the room was dark.
I lay in bed and Raven was beside me and her breathing was steady and her presence was a comfort. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there. But the peace was there too. The peace of not being alone and the peace of being understood and the peace of being loved.
"Raven."
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For staying. For listening. For not leaving."
She reached for my hand and her fingers were warm and her grip was firm.
"That is what friends do."
The morning came and the light was pale and the snow was falling and the world was white.
I walked through the corridors and the torches flickered and the tapestries moved and the wolves stepped aside. The frost was still there and the cold was still there and the fear was still there.
But the strength was there too.
The strength that came from friendship and the strength that came from love and the strength that came from surviving.
I paused at the window and looked out at the frozen gardens and the snow was falling and the world was white and still. The message in the kitchen was still there and the witches were still out there and the war was still coming. But for this moment, I was not alone.
And that was enough.