Chapter 64 Part 64
Asher
His hands clenched the railing, his head lowered as he stood on the porch. The cold air felt good in his lungs. His whole body was shaking. He shouldn’t have said anything. He’d vowed never to talk about it. He clenched his eyes shut, swallowing back the sob that was threatening to escape.
When the front door opened, Asher opened his eyes. He turned his head, and straightened up. Finn stood in the doorway, looking down.
“I’m sorry, Asher. I shouldn’t have pushed you over the edge,” he said.
Asher’s jaw clenched tighter. He could smell the sand, the heat, and the rotting corpses of beheaded soldiers. He could smell the rancid stench of men soiling themselves.
“Asher,” Finn said, and he flinched as his brother’s hand gripped his shoulder.
He shook his head, trying to push the memories away.
“I shouldn’t have come back.”
“You shouldn’t have stayed there. You were right, and I was jealous. You’re the one everyone looks up to—the one everyone calls when something happens. I’m sorry I pushed you. I shouldn’t have. I’m also sorry that all that stuff happened to you, but I am grateful you’re my brother. I’m glad you’re home, and I’m sorry, Asher. I’m so sorry.”
“No, you were right. I always do what I think is right, never taking other people into consideration. I do expect you all to fall in line, and it’s not right. I shouldn’t have come home this way. I shouldn’t marry Maggie this way. She deserves someone who’s not haunted by all this stuff.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Asher. This is your home. This is where you’ll heal. The mountains, the fresh air, the horses—it’ll heal you. As for Maggie, I think she’s a smart woman, capable of making her own decisions. She chose you, Asher. Don’t you dare run away now. If you do, all those things that happened to you—everything those people did—will take over, and then they’ll win. Nobody wins against a Fitzgerald. You taught me that,” Finn said. “Besides, someone needs to keep an eye on the fire in Joel’s spirit. He’ll go far with the right influence, and I don’t know anyone better than you to heal those boys.”
“I didn’t know where else to take them,” Asher said.
“When you left the dining room, Joel told his story, just a bit. He said you walked through their front door and saved them. There might be a whole other reason why they did what they did, but they’re just kids on the wrong path,” Finn said.
Asher nodded his head. “I couldn’t leave them behind.”
“You did the right thing, Asher. You always do,” Finn said. “Maybe you should think about talking to someone, working through what happened to you.”
Asher shook his head. “You know, Polly said the same thing to Mark. He told her that real men don’t talk to head doctors, then he shot himself. Ever since that day, I can’t help thinking about it, too. I picture Mark sitting in his shed, and putting that pistol against his temple. I can feel the cold steel against my own temple. I dream about him smiling before pulling the trigger.”
“Damn, Asher. That’s really morbid and scary,” Finn said.
Asher chuckled, and lowered his head again. “Everything would go away—the dreams, the nameless men, the stench of blood. I’d be free, Finn.”
“You’d be in anguish, brother. You’d leave Maggie and Melody behind.”
“I know. I’m not going to kill myself, Finn. Sometimes, I just dream about it.”
Finn stepped closer to him. “You’re scaring me, Asher. You’re our big brother, the one we call when we can’t handle something. You can’t leave us.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to keep those boys. Preston’s already called a judge, and got me temporary foster rights,” Asher said.
“You should keep them. You can change their lives by simply being you, and showing them that there’s a better way to live your life. You’ve already been to hell, Asher; don’t go back now.”
Finn walked back into the house, and Asher looked up at the clear sky. The stars seemed frozen in time, dead, but still shining their light. He did need help, but he didn’t know if he could tell a stranger everything he’d seen. Most of it was classified, and he knew he’d never tell a soul one thing he’d done over there. It was the biggest secret he’d never reveal. It haunted him the most, but he’d justified his actions.
Asher turned again to find Joel standing in the spot Finn had just vacated. The look in his eyes was unreadable, but Asher could see pain, conflict, and doubt.
“Joel—”
“Was all that stuff true?”
“Yes.” Asher wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, but Joel stepped forward, and hugged him. Asher wrapped his arms around the boy, and just held him, until Joel moved away.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?” Asher asked him.
“How do you see and go through so much ugly stuff, and still save us, especially after what we did?”
“You’re just a kid, Joel. Your father didn’t care enough to show you the right way, but I do. I care enough to be here.”
“I want to be like that one day. I want to be different,” Joel said.
“You will be. You’ll be just fine. Oscar, too. I promise.”
“I didn’t think Bear Claw was that hurt. I really thought he’d gone home. I was mad at the world, and even though he’s half Indian, he was popular. He has a mom and dad who love him. I was jealous of his life, and that made me mad. It was stupid, I know, but I thought, if I took my anger out on him, I’d feel better.”
“Did you?” Asher asked him.
“No.”
“What you did was wrong, but I get it. Bear Claw gets it, too. He refused to give your names to the sheriff, which is why I went to your house. I didn’t expect to be leaving with you two in my truck, but I’m glad I did.”
“Are we going to foster care? I don’t want them to separate us. Oscar’s quiet, and likes to read; he’ll get beaten up in a group home. I need to be with him,” Joel said.
“My lawyer already got me temporary foster approval. You’re not going anywhere. Sometimes it helps to have a reputation in town. The judge granted it. You’ll be staying with me indefinitely.”
Joel stared at him for a few seconds, then his eyes welled up with tears, and he clenched them shut. As his shoulders shook, Asher wrapped his arms around him again.
“Everything’s going to be fine.”