Chapter 132 Part 132
Asher
“It’s good to see you, Asher,” she said.
He sat on the couch, not sure why he’d made the appointment. Things had been going well for him. His nightmares were at a point where he could handle them better, and they weren’t as frequent anymore.
“Did something happen?” She was a patient woman, and Asher almost smiled at that thought.
“Emerson came back,” he said.
“How do you feel about her return?”
Asher dragged his hands over his face and sighed. “She’s pregnant.”
Her eyebrows came together as she frowned. “You didn’t know?”
“No.”
“Does this change things for you?”
Asher rubbed his hands over his face. “It changes everything.”
“How does it change things?”
“I don’t know, Mary.” Asher’s shoulders slumped a little, and he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Are you still mad that she read your journal?”
“She knows what I did. It kills me that she knows.”
Mary sighed, and shifted forward on her chair. “Okay, Asher. Let me ask you this. Does Emerson hate you? Does she look at you with fear in her eyes? She came back.”
“She said she still loves me. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m not going to lie, I never thought I’d have a child…not after everything that happened. But I don’t know what to do to not hurt her again.”
“And that’s what scares you the most. This woman was dropped in your lap. You looked after her, kept her safe, fell in love with her, then you saved her. You saved her after you knew she read your journal.”
“I wasn’t going to let her die,” he said.
“Because you still love her, too.”
Asher shook his head. “She broke my trust.”
“Forgiveness is hard, but think about this for a minute. In your other life, you told Maggie most of what you wrote down in your journal. You told her about the boy who shot you, the torture you endured, and what had happened to the women in your unit.”
“What does that have to do with anything? I told her because somewhere deep down, I knew it wasn’t real.”
“In that life, Maggie loved you completely,” she said, ignoring his previous statement.
“So?”
“I think Emerson does, too. We only get so many chances at love, Asher. She loves you, despite what you did. You did those things to survive.”
“I still made the choice to do it.”
“You feel guilty that you survived and she didn’t.”
Asher could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. “They didn’t have to shoot her.”
“No, they didn’t. That wasn’t your choice. Nothing you did that day was your fault.”
“I was part of her torment! Don’t you get that? They shot her while she was busy…” Asher shook his head again. He couldn’t say it out loud.
“Asher, Emerson is not her. She’s alive, and she came back. She’s safe, and what happened to Rowena and even Cassie isn’t going to happen to her.”
“I know that. I’m not confusing them.” His eyes had darkened with anger.
“If you don’t forgive her, and move past this, you will always live with this regret, and you will always wonder what kind of life you could have had with her.”
“I have forgiven her,” he said.
“Have you? Really?”
“I want to. I want to forget what happened, and start over,” he said.
“Then why don’t you?”
“I’m trying. Some days I think I’m fine, and that I’ve moved on, but then I saw her again, and everything came crashing down around me. I remember her sitting in that chair, and crying as she read that journal. It feels like I can’t breathe, and I can hear the rushing of my own blood through my veins. Rowena’s face is all I can see, and I feel physically sick.”
“You need to forgive yourself for what happened to Rowena. It wasn’t in your control to change the outcome of that day, but … you saved the other woman, Cassie,” Mary said.
“I know that. I just wish they hadn’t picked me.”
“Do you remember what Rowena told you before they put that gun to her head?”
“She said that it was better that it was me rather than one of them.”
“She understood what was going to happen, Asher. In her own way, she made peace with it, too. She didn’t blame you for what happened. Cassie never blamed you either, and she survived with you,” Mary’s voice had softened and Asher clenched his jaw.
“I’ll hate myself for it forever.”
“And you want Emerson to hate you, too,” she said.
Asher exhaled and looked intently at Mary. “Yeah, I do. If she hated me for what I did to Rowena and Cassie, then at least I’ll feel some peace. Someone needs to hate me for that.”
“Have you had a conversation with Emerson about this?”
“No.” Asher gave her a sad smile. “Emerson just gave me the greatest gift in life. I have a son, and I don’t deserve to be his father, and mess him up. I’ve got too many scars on my soul to be a good father. My baggage is not hers to carry.”
“Then you have to set her free, Asher. If you choose to live your life in the past, then I agree with you. Emerson doesn’t deserve to love a man who won’t love her back.”
“That’s it? That’s your advice?”
Mary closed the notebook on her lap. “Yes, Asher. You don’t want to forgive yourself. You don’t want to do the work. I can’t help you if you don’t want to try. You have a chance at a great life with this woman. You’re going to have a baby, and she loves you, despite your flaws. I won’t help you throw that away. Tell Emerson you don’t love her so she can mourn that loss, and move on with her life. She deserves that, at least.”
Asher looked at Mary for a long time before he got to his feet. “I know you think I’m wrong, but it was different when she didn’t know. Then I could still pretend to be alive on the inside. Now I’m alive for those two boys, but they won’t need me forever, and our son has Emerson. She’ll keep him safe. I don’t know where that leaves me.”