Chapter 27: The Pressure Builds

We lost three straight.

Three straight games with losses all through. Each loss was worse than the last. The first game, we looked off, the second game, we were lost and the third game, we looked like we’d never played hockey before.

We were all on edge because of the blog post.

Danton yelled till his voice almost gave out, the media circled like sharks looking for the secret couple, there were different headlines everywhere, different speculations and whispered questions as people wondered who was breaking the code and ruining the team.

I watched Cassian across the ice during practice. He was skating harder and faster than everyone else, pushing himself to the extreme like he could outrun the questions and the speculations. Everytime I looked at him, his eyes were on mine too, he looked tired, like he hadn’t gotten decent sleep in days.

Neither had I.

I couldn’t go to him to touch him, I couldn’t even stand too close to him without someone noticing. Brynn’s words echoed in my head, she already made it clear as to what she thought of people like us. So, I kept my distance from Cassian.

I sat at the opposite end of the bench during practice discussions, I made sure to have been out of the locker room before Cassian got out of the showers, I walked to my car alone, drove alone, sat in my apartment alone and stared at my phone wanting to call him to hear his voice, wanting to text him to know if he was okay.

But I couldn’t.

Practices were war zones, Danton made us skate till our legs gave out, punishing the whole team for the losses. Cassian took every drill personally, skating hard and refusing to quit. I watched him from a respectable distance, watching him push past the exhaustion, watching him burn all his energy.

Once, after practice, I found him on the ice alone still skating, I wanted to tell him to take a break, that he was going to wear himself out, but I couldn’t. The cameras were everywhere, watching.

So I walked away without sparing him a glance.

But I felt his eyes on me, I always did.

——

The texts started again at night.

When there were no cameras or watchful eyes, when there was no one to see but us.

Cassian: I miss you, Tor.

I stared at the screen as my eyes threatened to water up.

My phone buzzed again.

Cassian: I know we’re supposed to stay away from each other and not communicate, but I miss you.

I pictured him in my head. Lying on the bed with his phone pressed against his chest, waiting for a response he wasn’t sure would come in. I wanted to call him, I wanted to pull up to his apartment, hold hom and never let go.

I sighed as my phone buzzed.

Cassian: Please reply, I just want to know if you’re okay.

My throat clogged up as I typed a response.

Me: I’m okay. How are you?

The three dots appeared.

Cassian: I’m not okay.

The words sat there on my screen, burning.

I wanted to tell him the truth, that I wasn’t okay either, that I couldn’t sleep, that I kept reaching for him in the dark only to find empty sheets. That everytime I had to keep my distance from him on the ice, something in me cracks. That I was scared of losing him, I was scared out of my mind of what would happen when people eventually found out about us.

But I couldn’t tell him all these things, I didn’t wnat him to panic, I had to be strong for both of us.

Me: Hang in there, for me.

His response came in immediately.

Cassian: I will.

I put my phone down and stared at my ceiling.

The apartment was dark, while the city outside hummed. I could hear my own breathing in the silence; it was too loud. I missed Cassian so much it made my chest hurt.

The voices in my head told me to pull back and protect myself; to build up my walls before I lost everything I’d spent years constructing. But when I looked at the message and saw his name on my screen, and I thought about his face on the ice, the voices quieted.

I picked up my phone and stared at our thread of messages; I read it over and over again.

My thumb hovered over the call button, just one touch was all it took for me to hear his voice; one touch was all it took for me to tell him everything I couldn’t type.

I grit my teeth and put my phone down.

I lay back on the pillows, staring at the ceiling until the first light of the morning crept through the window blinds.

He was so close to me, I could be at his apartment in minutes, and wrap myself around him while pretending the world didn’t exist.

But it existed. And in few hours, I’d have to walk into the arena and pretend I didn’t want him. I’d have to sit in the locker room and pretend he was just another teammate, I’d have to play a game and pretend things weren’t falling apart between us.

The media was everywhere now, they were at every game, every practice and in the locker room. Reporters lingered in the parking lot, hoping to catch something. The blog post was still been reshared by hundred of thousands, our teammates were being asked about it, Coach was being asked about it; everyone was waiting for a slip up.

I couldn’t afford a slip up.

If I slipped, they’d know and if they knew, Brynn would handle it ruthlessly by separating us through either trading to another team or complete removal from the team, whatever it took to protect the image of the team. It had happened before; there were rumors about a particular player on another team, and he was gone within months with no explanation, he was just erased.

I couldn’t let that happen to me, or to Cassian.

I had to stay away from him and he had to do the same; I’ll exist in my orbit and he’ll exist in his. We would have to pretend the attraction between us didn’t exist.

My phone buzzed again.

Cassian: I’m finding it hard to get some sleep.

I smiled slightly as I typed.

Me: I know.

Cassian: I wasn’t expecting a response, you can’t sleep too?

Me: Yeah, I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of you.

Cassian: Me too.

Cassian: Can we see tomorrow, just for a while to remind each other that we’re still together in this.

My chest tightened.

Me: Yeah, let’s do that.

Cassian: Alright then. Good night, Tor.

Me: Goodnight, Cassian.

I closed my eyes as the sleep eventually washed over me.

I’d see him tomorrow, just for a moment. Just enough to remember we were still here.