Chapter 12: Chapter 12

Misty

I woke up groggy to my alarm. I turned it off but became conflicted, I could sleep half the day away and Cricket wouldn’t fault me, fending for herself because I had taught her she was resourceful. However, I had promised, so I pushed myself out of bed. I realized I was still in the clothes I wore yesterday and thought back as I tiptoed into the kitchen, trying not to disturb the hulk of a man on the couch. I quietly set up the coffee and he stirred but didn’t get up. I pulled the eggs out of the fridge and as quietly as I could shifted a pan onto the stove. I cracked the eggs as quietly as I could, gently scrambling them with the spatula. Cricket emerged dressed in Disney princess pjs Adelaide had given her last Christmas. I brought my finger to my lips, willing her to be quiet as my eyes glanced to the sleeping man folded in on himself on the small couch. She just nodded, taking her place on a stool, and I tossed some bread into the toaster. When the toast popped, I buttered the bread, added cheese, and a hefty pile of eggs. I plated her breakfast sandwich and slid it across the counter, Cricket dove in as if she were starved. I cracked some more eggs into the pan as I watched her devour the food and made her a second helping. The coffee pot blared, and Beck stirred as I went for another batch.

This time I slid two plates across the counter to the bears before me. They dug in and I sipped my coffee as I made another round. I’d need more eggs soon, I sighed, buttering the bread before I erected another round and slid them across the counter. Beck’s large hand caught my wrist and I found my eyes were captivated with his silver ones.

“Eat,” he insisted. Cricket paused her consumption of her half eaten sandwich, observing us. I pulled one plate back to me and scrambled the next round of eggs as if ignoring Beck. But I found myself turning the burner off so the last batch would cook more gently and faced the plate he had insisted on and took a bite, letting my eyes cast to him as I did, realizing I was hungry. I took another bite before I threw some more slices into the toaster and moved the eggs around, plating them onto the two other plates before returning to my own and sipping my coffee.

This man saw so much more than I wanted anyone to see, I realized. It made me feel seen, vulnerable. It bared my broken bits in a way that made me hesitate. I shook the feeling off. I was done being invisible. I deserved to be seen.

Beck picked up his sandwich but waited, our eyes met and I felt his demand like a challenge. He may think he saw me, but that was just a fraction of who I was. There was a rush of euphoria that escaped me deep down. This man saw too much, more than I wanted to be seen. I tilted my chin up defiantly. He watched me, but against my better judgement I took another bite. I liked that he saw me, and   found as our eyes met he approved. That infuriated me and spoke to me. My tongue tasted the food but I found I wanted to taste something else. The hunger was deep, and something I should steer away from, but it enticed me like a moth to an unredeemable flame. I didn’t know his story yet but I found I wanted to know it and make it a part of my broken soul. The emotions were too deep, the want too much. He may have seen me but I was seeing him too.

A broken man with a good heart, and I found that crushed me to my core. He saw me because he was just like me. Undeniably broken.

There were days I didn’t know who I was or better yet, who I was trying to be. Everything I had set out to do in life, I had miserably failed at, well except hacking. That was something I had put my mind to years ago and made a reality. The rest of it? The college degree I never finished. The complete fuck up that had been Cricket’s father, adding that to the pile of shit I had done as a young adult in defiance to my very traditional and conservative family made me a failure. Here I was a single mother, with zero romantic prospects, not just to keep Cricket safe; how do you tell a human man your daughter will turn into a bear as an adolescent? Deep down I knew it was something bigger; I was afraid. Afraid of failing, of falling, of being to blind by lust and love to see beneath the surface of men’s malicious intent. Not that I had room in my life for anything so ostentatious. I poured myself into our little subpar life as best I could. Most days it was just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other hoping I didn’t fuck anything else up royally. I had Cricket to think of. My party girl days fell away the day that faint line showed up on the pregnancy test as Adelaide held my hand. Unlike me Ads was a recluse, she would only go out if I ‘needed’ her. She was an ice queen, shrugging off all advances, her mind too focused on the prize. Getting a good job, and getting the hell out of her little Appalachian hometown and making things that mattered happen. The pretty blonde who normally steered clear of trouble who had done the unimaginable in order to protect us. The images flashed across my mind from the cameras I had watched when she ended the man who not only beat the shit out of me while pregnant but also planned to traffic us for a payday. She had been there for me at my lowest. Defended and protected me, regardless of the cost. She didn’t know I knew what a heavy price she paid to set my mind at ease. Now I was dealing with his sleuth alone. I glanced at Beck. Well, maybe not entirely, she’d sent a guardian angel in her stead.

The thing was, Ads valued me too much, she’d do anything for me and everything Ads did was always spot on… well except for Creedon. Somehow, no matter how much I had fucked up in life the universe had blessed me with Adelaide, whose friendship had offered me such undying loyalty that I could never possibly reciprocate.

I found I had drifted off into my thoughts when I found I had finished my food. I had been eating absentmindedly while I let the thoughts roll around in my head. I sighed and started the dishes after I loaded up two more sandwiches for Beck and Cricket.

An hour later, we were making another mess as Beck eyed us out of the corner of his eye on his stool while he messed with his phone as I coaxed and coached Cricket how to knead the mesa for the tortillas. We made a batch of corn and a batch of flour. I talked her through the recipes my grandma had drilled into our heads since we could walk. The thing was, looking back, I now appreciated a lot more about my upbringing, the culture, the family structure. The things I once rolled my eyes at now had become a longing.

For my daughter who I was too emotionally overloaded for and spread far too thin to ever do the job of motherhood justice. These moments were precious and far too few. I felt that I failed in everything in life as an employee whose heart couldn’t be in it but would do what was necessary for a paycheck, as sibling who would drop off the radar for months and never went to any family functions, because I was a disappointment; too much a coward to face them and their perfect lives. They were all happily married, living their best lives being the perfect spouses and mothers and here I was barely getting by, unable to do anything to its fullest.

Cricket proudly put up her hard work beaming and I had to smile as we moved on to the next job, the sofrito which required a trip to the grocery store. Cricket and I cleaned up the kitchen in a rhythm we had become accustomed to before we broke away to get dressed. We met in the bathroom to brush our teeth. When we were done I grabbed my keys off the counter and Beck stirred.

“Where are you going?”

“The grocery store, we need a few things I can’t get at Valentina’s,” I let him know. Valentina kept a wide variety of convenience foods but I needed to get the weekly fresh basics from the grocery store that she couldn’t provide. He stood and I became immediately confused. He noticed but glanced from me to the observing Cricket as if asking me if we were going to have this conversation in front of the child. He was doing this, inserting himself in our lives. I should be thankful, but I found it grated my nerves. I liked our standard Saturday mother daughter time and he was encroaching on that. We were now staring off. I mulled over the retort building in my brain and flushed it. He had a point, they could intercept us anywhere and they could be watching. Did I like it no, but would I rather keep Cricket and I alive and out of harm's way; of course. So instead of cursing the man out, I huffed and proceeded to the door rolling my neck trying to relieve my obstinance. Beck let out a long breath as I passed. He had been ready for that argument. Smart man.