Chapter 38 Chapter 38
Emily's POV
I avoided him deliberately. Every decision I made that morning had one goal, and that was distance. I left my room earlier than usual, before I could risk running into him in the kitchen. I skipped breakfast. I took the long route across campus even though it added ten unnecessary minutes to my walk.
Avoidance, when done properly, is an art, and I was very good at it. At least that is what I told myself. The truth was, no matter how carefully I constructed my day, no matter how precisely I controlled my movements, I couldn’t avoid the one place he still existed. In my head. The kiss didn’t fade away. It didn’t blur. It didn’t soften with time. It was there in my mind. I felt it every time I tried to focus on something else. Every time I opened my notes and when I reviewed a rehabilitation chart. Every time I tried to remind myself why I was here. Why this mattered and why I couldn’t let something like that happen again.
I sat in the lecture hall, pen poised over my notebook, staring at a diagram I had already memorized weeks ago. The professor was talking, something about muscle activation patterns. Normally, I would’ve been engaged and focused with asking questions in my head before he even finished his explanation, but nothing stuck today, because my brain kept betraying me and replaying it.
He looked at me like there was nothing else in the room. I didn't even stop him. I pressed the tip of my pen too hard against the page until it tore a little. “Focus,” I muttered under my breath. This was not who I was. I didn’t lose control like this. I didn’t let emotions interfere with my work. I didn’t spiral over one moment, but this wasn’t just a moment, this wasn’t something I could categorize and move past. It had consequences and I could feel them stacking up already.
My recommendation and future, my credibility, all of it was tied to this internship. All of it dependent on me maintaining professionalism. And what had I done? I kissed the athlete I was supposed to be treating.
I closed my notebook abruptly. The sound echoed louder than it should have. Heads turned slightly, but I ignored them. I packed up my things and left.
The cafe was quieter than usual. The mid-afternoon lull, most students are either in class or too exhausted to socialize. The espresso machine filled the background, steady and rhythmic. I ordered coffee I didn’t really want and sat at a table near the window, sunlight spilling across the surface in a way that felt almost mocking.
It was calm outside. I wrapped my hands around the cup, letting the warmth ground me for a second, and then I pulled out my phone, just staring at it, because there was only one person I could talk to about this.
One person who knew me well enough to call me out and still stay.
April.
My thumb hesitantly hovered over her name, and I started to tap. The typing bubble blinked and stopped, it started again. My phone chimed with a text from April.
Emily: I messed up.
April: define messed up
Emily: I kissed him.
April: SCREAMING
Emily: This is not funny.
April: oh it’s very funny. you like him.
Emily: I absolutely do not.
April: babe. you kissed him.
Emily: It just happened.
April: yeah. feelings tend to do that.
I exhaled slowly, staring at the screen. She wasn’t helping but she was, because she was saying the thing I didn’t want to say. The very thing I refused to acknowledge. The thing that sat just beneath everything I was trying to hold together.
Another message popped up. I went into the chat.
April: okay serious now
April: was it bad?
Emily: no
April: oh that’s worse
Emily: stop
April: did you WANT to kiss him?
Emily: I didn’t stop him.
April: yeah… you like him.
Emily: I don’t have time for this.
April: you don’t have time for feelings? good luck with that
I locked my phone fast, like cutting off the conversation would cut off the truth, but it didn't. April wasn't the problem, I was the problem. The fact that I couldn’t answer her question with honesty.
Did I want to kiss him?
I stared at the coffee in front of me, it was cooling down and being ignored. I simply didn't want to admit any of it. “You look like you’re about to solve a murder case.” I flinched slightly at the voice. I looked up, it was Lucas.
He stood there, composed as always, holding his own cup of coffee, expression calm but observant. “I’m thinking,” I said.
“Dangerous,” he replied lightly.
I nearly smiled. “May I?” he asked, gesturing to the seat across from me.
I hesitated before nodding, and then he sat down across from me. Immediately, I felt the difference. Talking to Lucas didn’t require effort or any adjustment. “You’ve been quiet lately,” he said.
“I’ve been busy.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I glanced at him. “You’re distracted,” he added.
I didn’t deny it or confirm it either. “Work is demanding,” I said.
“It always is.”
“Then what’s different?” I looked away out the window, at nothing in particular. The answer that I had was complicated. “Emily,” he said gently. I looked back at him. His expression was calm. “You don’t have to explain it,” he said. “But you shouldn’t ignore it either.”
That’s exactly what I was trying to do. I was trying to ignore it, and it was failing. “I’m handling it,” I said.
“Are you?” He asked.
“Yes,” I replied. He studied me for a moment, long enough to make it clear he didn’t entirely believe that, but he didn’t push or question further. He just nodded slightly.
“If you say so.”
“This is temporary,” I said.
Lucas tilted his head. “What is?” He asked.
“This internship. This situation. Everything connected to it.”
He nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“I need to stay focused.”
“That makes sense.”
“I can’t afford mistakes.”
“No,” he agreed. “You can’t.” His agreement should have reassured me, but it didn't, because all I could think about was the one mistake I had already made.
A mistake that I couldn’t undo, one that changed everything. “I won’t let it happen again,” I said.
Lucas watched me carefully. “Let what happen?”
I hesitated before shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters if it’s affecting you.”
“It’s not.”
“That’s not what it looks like.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not.” The words echoed. Something I didn’t want to think about. “I am,” I said, more firmly this time.
Lucas didn’t argue. He just leaned back, accepting my answer even if he didn’t believe it. “That’s your decision,” he said.
I finished my coffee in one quick motion, even though it had gone cold. “I should get back,” I said.
Lucas nodded. “Of course.”
I stood up, gathered my things. I stopped to look at him, “Thank you.”
“For what?” He asked.
“For not pushing.”
He smiled faintly. “You will talk when you’re ready.” I nodded and I left.
The walk back felt longer and heavier like every step carried something I couldn’t shake, because no matter how much I tried to compartmentalize it, no matter how much I told myself this was a mistake I could correct, it didn’t feel temporary anymore.
I reached the apartment door and stopped. My hand hovering over the handle. I knew the moment I stepped inside, I wouldn’t be able to avoid him anymore. “This ends here,” I whispered. The words felt weaker now.
I opened the door, stepping inside and closed the door behind me. I leaned back against it, just breathing, trying to steady something that didn’t want to be steady. Even though I would try to utter those words that it should end here, it won't, because I knew it wouldn't end here.