Chapter 146 Ugly truths
“Lys.”
I froze, turning to squint at the shadows of the dim-lit courtyard. A small beam of light turned on, likely from a phone flashlight, and fell on the grass.
I followed its trail, moving towards the stone bridge with tall hedges arching overhead.
His face became visible then, those eyes arresting even in near darkness. My gaze dropped to the darkened patch in front of his shirt, identical to splashes along my dress. Gianna's blood.
It was no wonder that we would individually come to the same decision to exit the venue through this almost pitch black stone bridge with its frozen over creek below, in the sprawling Summit grounds. We were a bloody mess. Literally.
“I thought you left.” I said quietly.
Now that my very angry sister had returned to her hotel, taking my madness with her, I was beginning to examine all the events of tonight through a clearer lens.
What had Gianna been doing in that building, what did they argue about, how did they get to the point where he thought it's best to kill her?
There was a frown on his face now, and with a surprised tone, he said, “Why would I leave you behind?”
“You left with Mordaine.”
“Uh… he went back to the hotel with Hale, and we’ve gotta ride back in the car together.” He stopped as a gust of wind whipped our hair at the same time.
“I'm sorry.”
“I have to tell you something.”
We said in unison, and paused. Then we tried again.
“Why would you be sorry?”
“What?”
I nodded for him to continue, because we cannot continue talking over each other. “You've got nothing to be sorry for. I hurt your sister and put you in this, um… blood debt situation.”
I swallowed hard. “I want to hear your side of the story, Finn.” His eyes melted, pain bleeding into his irises as he bit his lower lip, hard. “Please tell me what happened.”
He reached for my hand, pausing halfway in case I wanted to pull back. I did not pull back. He clutched my hand immediately.
“I came to… um, find you. Check on you and all.” He blinked, those long lashes caressing his cheek bones. They were pale now, coated in a dusting of snow. “I saw your sister instead, heard her really. She took a video of you and Hale… um… I don't know, baby, but it had to be damning evidence.”
My hand shook in his, as my heart thudded. Hale and I had been on that balcony for at least half an hour. Thirty minutes where we did really… bad things.
“That wasn’t the worst.” His eyes were pinned on mine. “She was on the phone with your… momma? I think… and kept mouthing off about precious daughter and this secret the mayor should know.”
The floor moved under me, and I swooned. But Finn caught me quickly, steadying me on my feet and searching my face in panic as we panted from the shock of it.
“You're OK, angel, do you need to sit? Here…” he was already shrugging off his jacket to make a blanket off it on the grass, but I shook my head.
He froze with the jacket in hand.
“I’m sorry, please go on.”
He stared at me a moment longer and threw the jacket over me. I shook my head, telling him how he needed this more than me, because he was always cold. But he wrapped me in the jacket, pulling it tight around my shoulders.
“I… fed tonight. I’m warm.” He winced as he said this.
Why had I been so mean? This was the same man who stuck to animal blood and often went on a blood fast even though it meant he was mostly weaker, colder. How did I not find it strange that he would suddenly drain Gianna of blood?
“Your sister noticed me halfway into the call and came to me. She… uh.” His gaze fell to the floor. “She...”
“Please tell me.” I took his hand, squeezing. He looked up to meet my eyes, and then he shrugged.
“Just the usual. She said nasty things about you to kinda make herself look, um... better I guess. I was not having it though, and demanded that she delete the video of you,” he paused, and that faraway look from earlier crossed his eyes again. “I must have lost control, but I don't remember.”
A shiver ran through his hand, making mine tremble.
“I was angry, and we argued, but I did not mean to… I don't even…” he stopped, drawing an inhale through his mouth. “The next I remember you and Hale were there.”
I believed him. It did not make sense that he would forget attacking her, but I knew Gianna had the unique ability to annoy a person to madness. She must have said something that made him snap.
But my heart was still racing, my head swirling with questions that I did not want to draw his attention to. And…
“It's not true, right? You did not do that to Hale, right?”
My eyes went round. He heard. Loudmouthed Gianna talked. The world began spinning around me, and a static sound was blaring in my ear.
Finn was watching me, brows furrowed. “The children, Lys, the children. It's not true, you had no hand in that, right?”
I clutched his hand with both of mine, finding that I suddenly could not breathe, that my whole body was shaking. “You cannot tell Hale, please.”
His head jerked back, startled. And then he stared at me like he suddenly could not recognize me.
“No, no.” I said hurriedly. “It's not what you think.” I went on in a rush, because as much as I did not mind being the villain in Hale's eyes as long as I got to keep my family alive, I could not afford that with Finn. I could not stand for him to hate me, or think…
“Lys,” Finn gasped now, looking thoroughly stunned. And this reaction, this startled disbelief in his eyes, drove me into panic.
“Please…” I shrieked, tightening my grip on his hand. “Hale has gotten over it already,” I glanced around us, desperately hoping he was tangled up with Mordaine right now at the hotel, too deep in the throes of passion to listen to this. “I cannot reopen that wound for him, you know how much he cannot resist punishing himself with guilt.”
“They were children!” Finn yelled finally, yanking his hand away from me, and I burst into tears. The pain was back, that one deep in my chest that made it hard to breathe, to speak. That wrapped me in guilt and made me forever unworthy of Hale's love. That made his kindness to me unearned, charity.
“I know…” Finn gasped through his words, as breathless as I was. “You will not… you could not have done something so…” He cursed now, “How can you even protect your family? Do you think about the victims' relatives at all? That they deserve to know the truth. Gods. How can you play accomplice to those murderers with your silence!”
“Because it's my fault!” I yelled back, beating my chest over and over to free the painful knot. “If only I had not tried to play the hero, if only I had stayed out of it and faced my damned studies. What does a ballerina know about politics? I basically killed those children.”
“I’ll not let you do this,” Finn shook his head vehemently. “I’ll not let you take the blame for your family's crime, the same people who were about to throw you under the bus tonight.”
“Gianna was bluffing. It’s social suicide for all Grunders if that news gets out, and she knows it.” My voice was clogged, ugly and even my breathing sounded harsh.
Finn's eyes turned hard as ice as he closed the distance between us again. “You think so? You really think that crazy woman gives a fuck about going to hell if she gets to take you down with her?”
He winced in pain and cursed again. “Hale never really got over this, you know. He’s got nightmares every night, sometimes during the day. Did you know that? Kinda like his soul knows he's yet to serve real justice.”
“Finn…” I wailed in exasperation.
“He served justice to the executors,” he continued. “But what about the people who gave the command, the pioneers from their shadows? Your family deserves to die, Lys.”
I shivered, feeling rattled to the bones.
Time slowed as we stood staring at each other under the flurry of snow, as he looked like he was hurting for me, but also hurting for his boyfriend.
“You are right.” I licked my lips, nodding as I wiped my cheeks. “We'll tell him. He has to know that my betrayal at the wedding was not the worst of it.”
“Lys.”
“It's my fault. I betrayed him, he has to know.”
“That's not the truth.”
“What else would you have me do?” I threw my hands up. “Hale would kill everyone in my family the moment he found out. You think my conscience can handle that too? You think I can go on living with the knowledge that I caused the annihilation of my own family, on top of all the other regrets I already have?” I shook my head, irritated at the tears that would not stop coming. “And it is all my fault, actually. Maybe you did not get to hear that part, but it was me, me who gave them the location of Hale's safehouse.”
“Because you were forced.”
“I could have been braver, I could have been smarter, I could have tricked them. This is my crime more than it is theirs.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Finn was tearing at his hair at this point, the cold air from his mouth resembling cigarette smoke in front of him. “You cannot hide a lie with another lie. You cannot take the blame for a crime you were forced into, that is still not justice.”
“There's no justice!” I shrieked, my voice echoing in the open air.
I slapped my hand over my mouth, inhaling, and then added more quietly. “The grand idea of justice is what brought Hale and me together. That was what made him trust me, and…” my shoulders shook as my voice wavered. “And I betrayed that trust. I do not deserve your pity, Finn. This is my crime.”
“I cannot do this.” He turned his back to me then. “I wish I had never heard it. And it's so fucking fucked up because I love you both. But I…” he turned around. “I’ve gotta tell him the truth. The real truth.”