Chapter 15 A call from Chloe
Time was moving fast, too fast for me to catch up with. I've spent almist three months in London, and a month walking at Diahtech, yet it didn't feel like it.
Or maybe it was just me who was expecting a particular feeling.
My stomach felt a weird sensation on Wednesday, and the next place I found myself was at the staff restroom, throwing up.
I didn't even throw up at home in the comfort of my bathroom where I could at least have the dignity of being alone, and walking through it in silence.
It has to be at work, worse of less than five minutes before a scheduled consultation.
I was fine one second, and then I wasn't.
Was this probably the thing about the first trimester that nobody really talked about? Why did nobody tell me that my body would randomly decide to stop cooperating in the middle of a Wednesday?
Even if those came with warning signals, who was going to warn me? When mother wasn't aware, and Dr. Felicity was still not back from her trip.
When I told her about the pregnancy last week, I expected a reaction, but she didn't really react, she just took it as a part of life, and talked about my not stressing myself and all those talks.
I rinsed my mouth, pressed a cold wet paper towel to the back of my neck, and looked at myself in the mirror, hardly recognizing the person that stared back at me.
And my body… it seemed to be having a private conversation about something's ng I hadn't been invited to, and the conclusion was that I needed to sit down and accept that I was no longer in control of anything.
But I didn't sit down, I went to the consultation instead.
The patient didn't notice anything was wrong, or even if they did, they were polite enough not to mention it, and I went over the whole thing on autopilot.
Once the patient walked out, I sat heavily on my chair, wondering why the baby seems to have been moving more, lately.
It wasn't all flutters and butterflies and tender moments like the books described it, instead it felt more like someone was arranging furnitures in a small apartment, and trying to force it into fitting in.
“Not now please, mummy is at work.” I said quietly, pressing my hand flat against my stomach.
I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling, for a month I just let myself be tired, to let the tiredness live in my bones and my eyes mirror it, and the only obvious solution to this tiredness was rest.
But I wasn't going to get any rest, because I had two more consultations and a case review before close of work.
A knock sounded against the door, momentarily breaking me out of my thoughts.
I straightened up immediately, then mumbled "Come in."
It was Chloe.
She took one look at me, closed the door behind her, and sat down in the chair across from my desk without saying anything.
"I'm fine." I said, knowing the look she was giving me.
"You look terrible." She replied, not buying what I'd just said..
"Thank you Chloe."
"I mean it in the most loving way possible." She leaned forward, elbows on the desk. "What happened."
"I threw up." I said. "Earlier, though I'm fine now."
She gave me a look that suggested she didn't believe me, but she didn't push further. “And you've been seated there attending to patients.”
“It's my job.” I mumbled, knowing what she was driving at.
She stared at me. "You threw up and then went straight to a consultation?”
"I rinsed my mouth first." I said, like that was the important part.
She blinked, then slowly sat back. "Liana."
"I'm fine." I said again, and even I didn't believe it this time.
She didn't push it, which was very unlike her, she just reached into her oversized bag and produced a flask and a bottle of water and set them both on my desk.
"Eat." She said.
"I just threw up…”
"Small bites." She interrupted me. "Your stomach is empty, that's part of why you feel awful."
I looked at the food flask, then at her.
"Dr. Lane texted me." She said simply.
Of course she did.
I opened the container. Rice, something light, nothing that was going to start a war with my digestive system. I ate slowly, and Chloe sat across from me and scrolled through her phone, giving me the dignity of not being watched while I ate.
That was the thing about her I kept noticing.
She knew when to be loud and when to just be present. I hadn't told her that I appreciated it, and I wasn't sure I knew how to say it without it becoming a whole thing.
I was halfway through the meal when the tears suddenly came.
Totally unplanned for. I wasn't even sad about anything specific, or maybe I was sad and tired of the baby moving like it now owned my stomach.
I pressed my fingers to my eyes quickly, before Chloe could look up from her phone, but I guess I was too late, as she noticed.
She moved over to my own side of the table and patted my back softly. “It's okay… you're allowed to have bad days.”
I sniffed.
“Honestly Liana. I mean, you're growing an entire human being, working full time, while living in a country you just moved to.” She said softly. “And the fact that you're still standing is genuinely impressive.”
“Thank you, Chloe.” I whispered, pressing my palm flat against my stomach.
I'm fine, my baby is too.
And this time, I actually believed it…