Chapter 38

LOUISA’S POV

I froze when the nurse said that word. Baby?

My brain went all funny, like when you spin around too fast and then try to walk in a straight line. I stared at her, my mouth hanging open like a fish.

“Wha… what baby?” I squeaked. My voice cracked so high it didn’t even sound like me.

The nurse blinked at me like I was the one who said something strange. “Ma’am,” she said slowly, like she was speaking to a child, “You are four weeks pregnant. That’s why you fainted, probably. It’s normal for expectant mothers to—”

I cut her off, flapping my hands. “Pregnant? No, no, no. You’re confused. I’m Louisa and Louisa is married to Benedict.” I pointed at my chest like I was trying to remind her. “ He’s handsome, rich and very serious. He drops me off every morning at the orphanage. I do chores and sweep and sometimes talk too much, but I’m not pregnant!”

The nurse’s eyebrows pinched together as she reached for a chart at the foot of my bed. “Well, according to Sister Jacinta, you’ve been complaining about dizziness last week and tiredness. Those are common symptoms.”

I shook my head so hard my hair whipped my cheeks. “No, no, no. You don’t understand. I’ve just been happy. And sometimes I'm tired because the kids make me chase them. That’s all.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “But the dizziness and tiredness fades at night when Benedict holds me. That’s normal for married people, isn’t it? I fainted because that woman tried to hug me.”

The nurse’s mouth twitched like she wanted to smile but knew she shouldn’t. She put her hands on her hips. “It would still be wise to run some tests.”

I blinked at her. “Tests? Like school tests?”

“No,” she said flatly. “Medical tests.”

“Ohhh.” My cheeks went hot again. I twisted my fingers in the blanket. “I don’t like needles.”

She sighed. “We’ll see what the doctor says when he comes back. In the meantime, you should lie down and rest. Don’t stress.” the nurse added before leaving.

As if that was easy. I lay back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling while my heart jumped all over the place. Pregnant. The word kept rolling around my head like a marble I couldn’t catch. I tried to imagine it, me, Louisa, with a baby. A tiny person. A tiny person with Benedict’s eyes maybe.

I didn’t know if I was supposed to be happy or scared. The thought made my stomach flutter like the pigeons at the orphanage roof when they get startled. What if Benedict didn’t want a baby with me? What if he thought I was too silly to be a mother? He already had to keep me out of trouble, how would he feel about a baby too?

No, Benedict must be happy. I was giving him an heir before he got fully impotent. This is what he wants. This baby would fix things. That’s what I kept telling myself. If I had Benedict’s child, then his parents would have to accept me, they wouldn’t call me useless anymore. They would no longer tell him how he should have married someone else.

This baby would be proof that I wasn’t just a silly mistake in Benedict’s life.

But then another thought coiled around my heart: What if Benedict doesn’t want a baby at all?

“Oh no,” I whispered to myself. “Oh no, oh no, oh no.”

And worse, he was probably at the orphanage by now, waiting for me and frowning at his watch like he does when someone is late. He would think I ran off to do something stupid. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Please don’t be mad, Benedict,” I whispered into the blanket.

I must have been whispering out loud because the nurse came back in. “Try to relax,” she said. “Your blood pressure’s high.”

I sat up a little. “Can you call my husband?” I begged. “Please? He’s probably at the orphanage now with the car. Tell him I didn’t run away. Tell him I’m here. Tell him…” My voice cracked.

The nurse softened a little. “I would assume the nun that brought you in here is already taking care of that, but just to set your mind at ease, I’ll check in with her.”

I sniffled a sob. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

But time kept dripping and every second felt like a minute. I imagined Benedict at the orphanage, his face going from calm to irritated to cold. I had seen that cold face before. He used to look at me like and I didn’t ever want it aimed at me again.

I pressed my hands to my belly even though there was nothing there yet. “Don’t be mad at me,” I whispered again. “I didn’t do anything bad this time.”

A small part of my brain thought about the woman, the one who hugged me. Why had I seen those pictures in my head? Whose face was that? It felt familiar, like a dream you almost remember but can’t. Was she my real mother? No, that was silly. Mama told me that my real mother had died.

While deep in thought, another nurse came in with a small cup of water and a pill. “Drink this.”

“What is it?” I asked, suspiciously.

“Something to calm you down.”

“Oh. Will it make me sleepy?”

“Maybe.”

“Will I dream?”

“Possibly.”

“Okay.” I downed it in one gulp and lay back down. I tried to imagine Benedict’s car pulling up outside, him striding in, his coat swishing and his eyes finding me immediately. He would scold me, maybe, but then he would hold me.

The door opened again and for a split second my heart leapt thinking it was Benedict but it was only Sister Jacinta, her veil slightly askew from hurrying.

“Oh Louisa,” she breathed, coming to my side. “Are you all right? You scared us.”

I tried to smile. “I’m fine. I just went whoosh and then everything went spinny. But I’m fine.”

She sat down, taking my hand. “The doctor said it might have been due to fatigue but they’re running other tests. Did the woman do something to you?”

I frowned at her question. “No. She just hugged me. That’s all, and then there were pictures in my head.”

“Pictures?”

“Mm-hm.” I nodded solemnly. “A little girl. A hand. Someone crying. It felt like when you open a book and all the pages fly at your face.”

Sister Jacinta squeezed my hand gently. “We’ll sort it out. For now, just rest, okay?”

I tried to look brave. “Did you contact Benedict? He will come soon, won’t he?”

“I’m sure he will.” Sister Jacinta didn’t sound as sure as I wanted her to and it made my throat wobble.

“Do you think he’ll be mad?”

Her eyes softened this time. “No, Louisa. He truly cares about you. He’ll be worried, not angry.”

I blinked at her. “How do you know?”

“Because that’s how people act when they love someone.”

I stared at her then clutched the blanket again. “I hope so.”

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