It's not that he's the love of my life - probably more a case of desperation. Sure, he's very sweet and also easy on the eyes, but that gland in the middle of my brain is not creating its usual hormonal cocktail - not even a drop. No love, no hate, just plain nothing.
The stupid thing only seems to go on a spree around my brother's best friend. As if somehow it got linked to that asshole.
Grabbing my sea turtle soft-toy, Pan … like in Peter Pan, I squeeze it against my bosom as if it contains all the answers. And like always my finger brushes over the sweet little red heart embroidered onto the bottom of his right back flipper.
"If you hate Damion so much why do you still sleep with HIS turtle?" Kiara rags in a chilly voice.
"It's not HIS turtle," I rave back. "He just happened to pay for it. And I only keep the stupid thing to always remind me of the evilness under his pretty-boy exterior. Like a talisman."
"Um, mm." She pulls her judgmental face. "Then why does Pan smell just like some hunky biker we know?" I take a deep whiff, letting that special scent linger in my nostrils.
Homme Sport. From Dior.
I bought a bottle and occasionally use it on Pan. Not only because of him, but because it's most likely the best smell in the whole world. A composition marked by a raw freshness, powerful and noble all at once. It's sensual and mysterious with smooth animal charm. I squash Pan against my nose.
The scent is utterly addictive.
Lemon and Bergamot add their juicy signatures to this fresh cool scent.
"I just like the smell." I press Pan under her nose. "It's nice." She rolls her eyes and sighs deeply.
"Have you forgotten about the way he treated you?" I pull my lips in a tight line as a pain stabs through my chest. No. I'll never forget. How can I? It happened TWICE.
Kiara snorts and grabs Pan. She swings the soft toy from side to side in front of my face.
"He bought you THIS … and then what happened?" She hits me over the head with said toy and continues quickly before I can get my ducks in a row.
"He knew you crushed on him, he played with your feelings, held your hand … and whoops … the next day a new girl was kissing his lips." I sigh. She's right. He begged me to go with him to the boardwalk.
He seemed sad and distracted, but we ended up having the best time ever … holding hands, going on the rides, eating ice cream, playing games. He bought Pan for me because he knew that I like turtles - without me saying it. He just knew.
But the very next day he shattered my heart and hopes when I caught him kissing a brunette during break time at school.
"He's a player, Mel. A badboy man-whore like all the dysfunctional boys in our group. It's sad but true. Be glad you got to see his true colors so quickly."
What Kiara doesn't know is that there was a second time.
But to my defense, he kidnapped me at night … I didn't go all willingly. We slipped into the Zoo. I remember feeling rather chuffed that he remembered the date we met - 1 March. It felt like a reunion. Special.
It was another great night and I lost my teenage heart somewhere between the tigers and the crocodiles. I really fell for him. Hard. This time it was not just a stupid little girl crush.
Kiara doesn't know about the Zoo outing. Nobody does. Before I could tell her I'd fallen in love … I got utterly disgraced and broken. He appeared with Logan at our house the next day with a black eye and a slutty brunette on his side - without even giving me a second glance. I felt humiliated … used … broken …. and even as if the curse might be real. He was hurt after all. I never told anybody about our outing … not even Kiara.
Without ever talking about it, we both acted as if it never happened. Me, mainly, because I felt embarrassed and I also didn't want my brothers to kill him. Damion, because … hell, who knows … he tends to keep his own score.
That time I was devastated and I secretly cried for weeks. With every tear that fell the hate grew in my heart. And I can honestly say that I now loath the man with every fiber inside me.
Since then I just ignored the annoying dimwit, acting mostly as if he is invisible, only talking to him when I absolutely have to - and even then I am as hostile and cold as possible.
But of course, Damion, on the other hand, goes out of his way to annoy and antagonize me every moment he can … and believe me, he can. He can get me from zero to mad just by opening his mouth.
And at the same time from dry to wet in just one stare. Yeah, hate still causes that serious physical attraction. But it's only chemistry, not real. Not like the pain I felt in my heart - THAT was very real.
And each encounter I see him with a slutty brunette drives the hatred I feel deeper and deeper into my soul. And there's been a lot of those believe you me.
"I know he's a shag-rat. But have you ever noticed that he only sleeps with brunettes?"
"So he has a type," Kiara is not amused. "They all do. Enrique likes gingers, Ilkay likes dark hair, seemingly so does Axel, Logan goes for blondes, and Jackson does any pretty thing with a vagina." I snort. She's right. They're a lot of dysfunctional man-sluts. The lot of them.
"Maybe I should stick to Ren," I say more for myself than her, to be honest. Ren is a really good guy, that treats me pretty well. But there's no sparks. Not even a flicker.
And he's moving way too fast - already talking about getting married and having children. I'm only 19 for crying out loud. I'm not even thinking about marriage (certainly not with a guy who can't set my mammillary region on fire) and I, for sure, don't want kids anytime soon. Maybe 10 years from now. Maybe. Hell, I won't even know which side of the baby is up and which side goes down.
Honestly … I'm not sure I want to have sex with him.
Kiara told me that sometimes she has to fake it … because it's just blah (she stuck her finger in her mouth here to accentuate the dullness).
I don't want to have BLAH sex. Not my first time.
Kiara snorts. "I would dump his ass and move on to the next one … now that you're in the game and the 'curse' -" she makes air quotes with her fingers, "- is broken."
I sigh. How can I tell her, that it's my hypothalamus that might be broken? That I only feel any sparks around Damion. And whenever I kiss someone HIS frickin green eyes pop up and laugh at me - as if they know no man can compare.
I wish I could delete Damion forever from my life because it's as if my mind, body, and heart are in a constant war, each one fighting for a different outcome. My mind repercussions me about staying miles away from the cock-ass, my body lusts for his cock and his ass, and my poor little heart is hoping just to come out of this shit in one piece.
And truthfully, I'm not sure whose side I'm on. Date = 5 September
Place = San Francisco (Uncle John's house)
POV - Melaena
It's times like this that I miss my mom the most - to have a female someone (other than Kiara) to give me advice. But she's been dead for what feels like ages already.
Eight years, seven months, 21 days, my brain calculates as if by itself.
But no matter how much time passes … the night we found her murdered in our house is not a night I will easily forget for as long as I live.