Chapter 101 Finding Purpose
RYAN'S POV
I woke to the sound of Lisa retching in the bathroom and my heart clenched with helplessness. Twelve weeks pregnant with twins meant double the morning sickness and double the misery. I stumbled out of bed and found her hunched over the toilet with tears streaming down her face.
"I have got you," I murmured and held her hair back while rubbing circles on her back. "I am so sorry."
"For what?" Lisa tried to joke between heaves. "You did not make me pregnant alone."
"For not being able to take this from you. For being human and useless in every way that matters right now." The words tasted bitter but true.
"Stop." Lisa wiped her mouth with a washcloth and turned to face me with fierce eyes despite her pale face. "You are not useless. You are here and you are present and that is more than most people have."
But I saw the way pack members looked at me now when I walked through the halls. Pity mixed with concern and unspoken questions about whether a human could really be the partner to their Alpha. Whether I was strong enough or worthy enough or anything enough.
I needed a purpose beyond being the supportive boyfriend who held hair and fetched crackers. I needed to be more than the human ex-Beta who got lucky.
I started researching obsessively during Lisa's afternoon naps. Not just baby stuff but careers and education programs and ways I could contribute to this world I was now part of. The internet became my escape and my salvation.
That was when I found it. A certification program for supernatural-human liaisons. People who helped bridge the gap between worlds and mediated conflicts and provided counseling for mixed relationships. It was perfect because it used my pack knowledge without requiring wolf abilities.
I applied without telling Lisa and held my breath for three days. The acceptance email came faster than I expected with a message that made my chest tight. They wanted someone with my unique perspective and lived experience. They thought I could make a real difference.
But the program details made my stomach drop. Six months of intensive full-time study with most coursework online but two required weekend sessions in the city two hours away. I would have to leave right when Lisa needed me most during the difficult second trimester.
I stared at the acceptance letter for hours that night while Lisa slept. Read every word until they blurred together and my eyes burned. The possibilities terrified me as much as they excited me.
The kitchen light flicked on at three in the morning and Lisa stood in the doorway wearing one of my old shirts. Her hair was messy and her eyes were concerned as she took in my hunched position at the table.
"What are you doing up?" she asked softly.
"I could not sleep." I tried to fold the letter but my hands shook.
"What is that?" She crossed to the table and sat down beside me with her hand resting on my shoulder.
I considered lying or deflecting but we had promised honesty. I handed over the letter without a word and watched her face as she read. My heart hammered against my ribs while I waited for her reaction.
"This is amazing Ryan. You should do it." Her smile was genuine and proud and it made my throat tight.
"It is six months. You are pregnant with twins and it is high-risk. I cannot leave you now when everything is so uncertain." The words rushed out desperate and afraid.
"It is online right?" Lisa pointed to the details I had obsessed over. "Mostly virtual with just two weekends in person. You could do this from home and be here for appointments and emergencies and everything important."
I had read that line twenty times but somehow had not let myself believe it was possible. "You really think I should do this?"
"I think you need something that is yours. Something that proves you are more than what you lost when Viktor took your wolf." Lisa took my hand and squeezed gently. "Ryan, I love you. But I have watched you spiral for weeks trying to find purpose through me and through the babies. That is not healthy for either of us. You need to be whole on your own first."
"What if I fail? What if I am not smart enough or good enough without my wolf to back me up?" The fear tasted like ash in my mouth.
"Then you try something else. But at least you tried instead of wondering what if for the rest of your life." She kissed me gently and her lips were soft and sure against mine. "Do the program. Find yourself again. The babies and I will still be here when you figure it out. We are not going anywhere."
I enrolled that morning before I could talk myself out of it. Paid the deposit and filled out the paperwork and felt something like hope flicker in my chest for the first time in months. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
My first assignment came through that afternoon in a welcome email. Interview three people affected by supernatural-human relationships and write about their experiences. Document the challenges and the successes and the ways they navigated two different worlds colliding.
The first person I thought of to interview was Emma. She had lived this reality longer than anyone I knew and she understood the isolation and the fear and the constant feeling of being not quite enough for the world you had chosen.
I texted her carefully because things had been strange between us since the rescue. "Hey. I know things have been weird since the compound. But I am doing this program and I need to interview people in mixed relationships. Would you be willing to talk to me?"
Her response came an hour later while I was making Lisa lunch. "Sure. Park on Fifth Street tomorrow at two? Neutral ground and public space."
We had not talked alone since Viktor's compound when everything went to hell and the world shifted under our feet. The thought of facing her without the buffer of group dynamics or shared crisis made my palms sweat.