Chapter 17: Chapter Sixteen

I've been hearing around the camp that tonight will be a full moon. I've been dreading this day, for some reason. Something within me feels different, and I don't know how to explain it.

"You'll shift tonight," Raphas tells me as soon as we wake up.

My shoulders sag and my heart pounds against my ribcage. "I don't want to. I'm afraid."

"You have no choice, Bea. It will happen with or without your consent. If you fight, it will hurt twice as much."

This scares me. "So it'll hurt."

"I've heard the first time always does."

I pace around the cabin after he leaves and when Max wakes, he watches me with his beady eyes. It's making me feel uneasy and I don't want him to see me in this deplorable state.

"Max, go to Sylvia. You need your breakfast," I tell him. He does as he's told and goes to Sylvia's cabin after washing his face like I taught him to. This past few week, I've gotten to know him a little better. He's shy and he doesn't say much, but he's obedient and always willing to lend a helping hand. He's always around Raphas, always following him around and carrying things for him. He doesn't play with the other children, but he does sit next to Sandra's daughter Julia during Feasts. And they play occasionally around the camp. We send him to Feasts when we want some time alone together. It's the only way.

Most days now I only stay inside. Raphas doesn't want me to do any work and it's both a blessing and a curse. I don't have to clean after anyone anymore, but also I don't ever go outside. Penelope comes to see me sometimes, and her visits are always entertaining, but she never stays long. Dantes doesn't let her. I think it's safe to say she's my closest friend here.

Time is flying today, and I catch myself biting my nails. I don't know where Raphas is and Max still isn't back. He's probably playing around with Sandra's daughter. I peer outside the door. I don't see either of them. I start pacing again.

I feel feverish and I'm sweating profusely. I don't know if it's my anxiety or something else entirely different. I feel faint and dizzy and my back is killing me. So are my joints. I want to tell Raphas these things, but he hasn't been back since morning. What's taking him so long?

Max shows up covered in mud and I contemplate giving him a bath, but my hands won't stop trembling and I feel like I'll fall at any second. "Have you seen Raphas?" I manage to ask him.

He shakes his head.

"Please, try to find him. Tell him to come here. I need him." I beg, and he runs out the door.

The sun is starting to set and my heart beat is accelerating. I peel of my shirt and my shorts and I lie down naked on the bed. I'm soaked to the bone and the air is starting to cool. My breaths are shorter and shorter. I don't remember ever feeling like this. I turn to my side and I close my eyes. It's like the bed is swaying and I grip the sheets to steady myself. I open my eyes and my vision is blurry. My symptoms worsen with the setting sun. Night is nearing and I'm terrified. Is this what the process of shifting feels like? I feel sick. Something wet trickles down my nose. I wipe my hand over it and it's blood. I groan and try to sit up. The world is spinning faster and faster and when I try to stand, I fall to the ground. The door is open, but there's two of them now. Something hard lands on my back and I growl. The sound is guttural and animalistic and it stuns me. I'm on my knees and it's like my back splits in two. The pain is so agonizing I can't even scream. No sound leaves my lips as my joints crack and join back together. The sound of snapping bones makes me gnash my teeth.

Once I manage to scream, it's a howl and I'm running out the door. Everything looks and feels different. I'm speeding past the encampment and I'm heading to the woods and I don't really know why. It's calling me. I look at the sky and the moon is round and seems to be laughing at me. The pain starts residing and I calm down, but then the frenzy starts. I'm hungry. I'm so, so hungry. I've never known hunger like this. It hurts and I'm sniffing the air for something to eat. I smell something, though I don't know what it is and I head in that direction. Branches cut into my side, but I don't feel anything. My thoughts are loud and for a split second, I forget who I am entirely. There's no me, no Raphas, no anyone. All I can focus on is that delicious smell, and when I stop in front of it I devour it without even looking at it. I'm chewing the bones and licking up the blood. It's all so divine. I feel the presence of another being beside me and I whirl around. I growl and snap my teeth at it. It's a large black wolf, and I should be afraid of it because it's much bigger than me, but I'm not afraid. It's eyes are an iridescent green and for a moment, I stop. Those eyes. I know those eyes. I see his face clear as day. He's kissing me and holding me. Raphas.

Suddenly, I remember who I am and the hunger inside of me diminishes. The black wolf, Raphas, my Raphas, walks to me and licks my face. But it feels different. I don't feel his wet tongue on my skin, but I know it's there. I look down and I don't see feet, I see paws covered in white, snowy fur. A yelp escapes me as I look at myself. I'm no longer human. I'm a wolf. Again, Raphas licks my face and I burrow my face— my muzzle—against his black silky fur. He calms me without saying a word and this is all so new to me. I turn back around and I finish my meal. It's a deer, I can see that now, but I don't feel nauseous at the sight of its dead eyes and pooling blood. I tear the flesh apart with my teeth and gulp it all down. Raphas is standing reassuringly behind me and I'm no longer afraid. It's me, but a different me.

I lick my muzzle when I'm done and I turn to him. He's looking at me with the same serenity, and I'm surprised at how normal this all feels. The pain is completely gone and I move to him. He starts running and I run after him through the woods.

When he stops I do, too. He sniffs my muzzle and I lick his fur. Then, he comes up behind me and instinctively, I already know what to expect. He mounts me under the moonlight, and his howl fills the air.

We wake up naked and snuggled close to each other in the morning. Dry leaves and twigs are cutting into my side, but I don't move. His body is warm and reassuring, just as it was last night.

"I almost forgot who I was last night." I say to him. "I couldn't recall who I was."

"It happens," he says. "Which is why I was there."

I shudder. "I can't believe I killed that deer."

"You didn't kill it, I did. I knew you would want to hunt, so I killed it and left it there for you to find. You would get lost if you had to hunt by yourself."

I kiss him with gratitude.

"Will I shift at every full moon?"

"You'll shift whenever you want to from now on. But in your first years, you will shift whenever the Moon is full. Until you learn to control it you'll be at her mercy, but it takes time."

"And will I forget who I am every time?"

He wraps his arms around me. "I'll be right by your side, Bea. You'll always find your way back to me."

We kiss and he carries me back to our cabin. We pass naked through the camp, and no one looks at us twice.