Chapter 14: Not What I Meant

Sarah’s voice pierced through the still night air like a blade, cutting through what was left of my fragile calm.

She was standing so close I could see the faint reflection of the balcony lights shimmering in her eyes. Her tone wasn’t angry—it was concerned, worried even—but it still made my chest tighten in panic.

“What’s up with you lately?” she asked again, her gaze unrelenting. “You’ve been acting weird ever since I traveled back to New York and ever since you told me about this whole marriage arrangement with your father. Even now…” She leaned closer, searching my face as though she could peel back the layers and find the truth buried underneath. “You look so flustered and scared out of your mind.”

Her words stung. Maybe because they were true.

I swallowed, feeling my throat burn as if it had been scraped raw. “Sarah…” I trailed off, my voice barely holding together. My body felt heavy—so, so heavy. The exhaustion in my bones had become a constant companion, like a dull ache that refused to fade. There was no way she could ever understand what was really going on. There was no way I could ever tell her that the reason I was like this had a name. That name was Kevin.

“What’s going on with you?” she pressed, and there was something in her tone now—a mix of frustration and fear. “Are you keeping a secret from me?”

I couldn’t look at her. My eyes darted toward the railing, to the faint city glow beyond the balcony, to anywhere but her face. My heart thudded painfully in my chest.

“Sarah, I’m not…” I started, trying to sound calm, but my voice trembled. I could feel my patience fraying, like a thin wire being pulled too tight.

But she didn’t let me finish. She never did. She just kept going, the words spilling out faster, sharper.

“We never keep secrets from each other, Abby,” she said. “I don’t know what’s obviously eating you up inside that you don’t—”

“Sarah, will you just shut the fuck up!”

The words tore out of me before I could stop them.

Silence.

It was instant and brutal.

The air between us froze. The only sound was the distant hum of cars below and the faint rustle of the curtains behind us.

Sarah’s eyes widened, hurt flashing across her face.

Her face twisted in disbelief at my sudden outburst, her lips parting slightly as if she couldn’t quite believe the person standing before her was me. But I couldn’t stop—something inside me had already snapped, and everything that had been simmering quietly in my chest finally spilled over in an ugly rush.

“This whole arrangement with my father is actually ridiculous,” I burst out, my voice trembling with anger and exhaustion. “And it’s really getting to me—and the last thing I want right now is you making it worse!”

The words left my mouth like venom, and as soon as they did, a cold wave of regret washed through me. My breathing was uneven. My chest rose and fell too fast, and my hands shook uncontrollably at my sides.

Sarah just stared at me, her eyes glassy, lips trembling as though she wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. For a moment, I thought she would walk away, that she’d give me the silence I desperately needed—but instead, she whispered, “Abby?”

Something in her tone made my skin prickle, but before I could even respond, another voice—familiar, heavy, and sharp—cut through the thick air.

“Abby?”

That wasn’t Sarah.

My heart plummeted.

I lifted my head slowly, dread crawling up my spine like ice water. And there—standing at the balcony entrance—were my father and Nina. Their expressions were frozen in a mixture of confusion and shock, as if they’d just walked into a room filled with smoke and didn’t know where the fire had started.

For a heartbeat, everything went still. The noise of the party inside—the chatter, the laughter, the music—felt miles away.

My father’s eyes met mine, and the disappointment there nearly undid me. He wasn’t angry yet; he just looked… hurt. Wounded, like I’d said something that reached deeper than I meant it to. And Nina stood beside him, her arm gently touching his as if to calm him, though the faint smirk tugging at her lips made bile rise in my throat. She looked almost satisfied, like she’d been waiting for me to slip.

Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes before I could stop them. My chest constricted, making it hard to breathe. I didn’t mean for him to hear that. I didn’t mean for anyone to hear that.

“I…” My voice cracked before I could finish. I shook my head quickly, feeling the tears slip free, burning my skin as they fell. My throat closed around the words that might’ve made things right.

But I knew there was nothing I could say to fix this. Not right now.

I could see the hurt deepening in my father’s eyes, the kind that came not from anger but from disappointment—the kind that made you wish you could turn back time.

“Dad, I didn’t—” I tried, but the words died somewhere between my mouth and my heart. My chest ached too much to keep speaking.

So instead, I just turned around.

I couldn’t look at him, or at Sarah, or at Nina with her judgmental gaze and that smug calm that made me want to scream. I couldn’t stand the way they were all looking at me like I’d become something unrecognizable.

The tears fell harder now as I took a step back, then another. My legs felt weak, but I didn’t stop. I just kept walking until I was out of the balcony, past the heavy curtain that brushed against my arm, and into the dim hallway.

My breath came out shaky, ragged. The sound of laughter from the ceremony hall made me sick—it all felt so distant, so fake. I felt like I was drowning in my own mess, like I had been holding my breath for too long and finally broke the surface only to find there was no air left.

Behind me, I heard Sarah call my name again, softer this time, almost pleading—but I didn’t turn around.

I couldn’t.

Because if I did, I knew I’d break completely.

So I kept walking, tears blurring my vision, until the sound of their voices faded, leaving me alone with nothing but the echo of my own heartbeat and the quiet, aching realization that everything around me was starting to crumble.