Shivering, I sobbed out, unable to speak, unable to move. "Shh, shh, now babygirl, it's alright, you're safe, don't cry" he soothed, moving closer to me. "N-Noah, I w-want to go home," I sobbed, feeling weak from my inability to talk without stuttering.
A gasp left my parted lips as his hand forcefully connected with my cheek, "You are home, so I don't want to hear that crap from you, okay?" shaking, I looked down at my feet, his gaze too menacing to hold.
"I said, do you understand" he spit through clenched teeth, "y-yes, I'm sorry" I whispered, a new wave of tears making their appearance. "Good girl, now I need you to keep being a good girl, okay?" nodding, my eyes met his dark ones.
His form towered over me, making me feel small and irrelevant. "Words, Embry!" He demanded as I stuttered out a quiet yes. I studied him cautiously as he walked towards the far end of the room, shuffling through drawers before stalking back towards me and crouching down.
I sucked in a breath as I saw the knife in his hand, his face held a mischievous grin as it glinted in the light. "Now babygirl, you see, as much as I hate to, you need to be punished, do you know why?" His tone was condescending, telling me he wasn't really upset about 'having' to do anything.
"I-I'm not sure" I admitted, pressing my back against the wall to get as far away from him, which only provoked him to inch his face closer towards mine with every passing second. "That night when those bastards arrested me, they only came because you called them, isn't that right?" His jaw clenching at the mention of the police who saved me that night.
Registering the rest of the sentence my face scrunched in confusion, "n-no I didn't, my ph-my phone was dead, I promise" my eyes pleaded with him to believe me. His face turned cold as he muttered out two words, "wrong answer", and with that he grabbed my torso, yanking my top up enough to have access to my stomach.
Pain coursed through my body as he carved my stomach, an evil glint evident in his eyes. My pleading screams were the only sound that filled the silence in this empty room.
Shooting into a sitting position my eyes were wide with fear. It was just a dream. Sighing, I peeled my sweaty body from the bedsheets, trotting to the bathroom to wash off yet another nightmare of him.
Standing in front of the mirror, I lifted my shirt up, in search of the cut I had so vividly felt him taint my skin with. Running my fingers over the area I was sure it would lie, I shuddered as unpleasant tingles ran through my body at the contact of my fingertips and the unmarked skin. It always felt inhumanly real which was the worst part about my nightmares, because even though he wasn't here, he was everywhere.
After attempting to wash my fear and problems away I quickly dried myself, my stomach begging for food. Running downstairs a heavenly aroma hit my nostrils as I inhaled. Pancakes. Smiling, I called out for my parents, only to be met with silence. I had forgotten they had left to go to a wedding.
Rolling my eyes at my stupidity I walked into the kitchen, heading right for the microwave, which stored the now tepid plate of pancakes. Pulling out my phone I groaned at the list of missed calls I had from my parents, they were barely gone 2 hours and were already bombarding me with messages.
Of course I knew they had valid reasons, it had been today last year when the incident happened, but I insisted they went out and continued with their life. Hating that they put it on hold for me for almost a year after that night.
Laying my phone face down, I told myself I'd call them later, not having the energy now, still an uncomfortable feeling from that nightmare. Digging into the pancakes, my eyes widened as I remembered I had a session with Dr. Redmond in an hour. Who even has dumb therapy sessions on a Saturday anyway. Forgetting about the pancakes I rushed upstairs, changing into actual clothes and drying my hair.
Slipping into the car I began my journey. Humming along with the radio as my stomach cramped in knots, no matter how many times I had gone to talk to her a bubble of anxiety always seemed to be present on the day. Entering the building I smiled at the lady sitting across from me as I picked at the loose thread on my jumpers.
"Ah Embry darling, come on in and we can start" I jumped with fright slightly not having expected Dr. Redmond to have appeared so suddenly. My cheeks crimson at my weakness, I walked into her room and sat down on the bleak old arm chairs.
"So it's been a month since our last session, how have you been feeling" pushing her glasses up she readied her pen to take notes, an action that always intimidated me. "I-I've been fine" wincing at my stuttering, I sighed.
It was something I couldn't help, I was shy and wasn't very good at talking with people I didn't really know, especially about my feelings. "Mhm, and the nightmares, I know you haven't felt comfortable opening up about these things, but I can feel that today might be different" she smiled hopeful, guilt ate away at me.
Every session I've kept my words to a minimum not wanting to talk about him or what happened, I know it was worrying my parents and quite frankly Dr Redmond. She was a lovely woman who gave motherly vibes, I wanted to do it for her, I just didn't know how. "I had a-ehm a nightmare last night" I turned to focus on a poster on the wall.
"Would you feel comfortable telling me about it?" Gulping I tried to order the form of my sentences in my head. "It was, ehm, the same one I ge-get every night." Fisting my hand I internally screamed at myself to just speak properly. "Mhm, and what happened in the dream?" Clenching my teeth together I pulled at the string on my jumper.
"I was in this, ehm, room and it was, it was dark and cold and I just remember feeling really, really scared." Looking up I saw her staring intently edging me to continue."I felt like I was frozen, and that I- that I couldn't move. I was crying and he, he was there, he was shushing me and telling me it was okay. I told him that I wanted to go home and he slapped me" blinking away the upcoming tears I composed myself.
"Where did he slap you, Embry?" Dr Redmond interrupted, furiously scribbling on her paper. "On, on the face, he just kept getting angrier and said I had called the police that night but I didn't, I swear I didn't.
He didn't like that answer so he walked away and got a knife and started carving his name into my stomach and I woke up screaming and covered in sweat" letting out a shaky breath I felt better. "It just felt so real, like I could still feel it when I was awake" I admitted.
"Thank you so much for sharing that with me Embry, I know it isn't easy but I'm here to help you" smiling she leaned forward in her chair. "Now, do you think you would be comfortable telling me more about your and Noah's relationship" squirming in my seat, my mind was on a rampage where would I even start ?
The internal conflict visible on my face, "how about you tell me when you two first met" she suggested. "Okay, well, well we go to the" grimacing I corrected my mistake, "we went to the same school, I guess it started in kindergarten, we became immediate best friends and we just never drifted I suppose."
*Flashback*
Clutching her teddy close to her chest the small girl stood in the corner observing the brave other kids. Frowning with jealousy as they played and laughed together, they hadn't been here for more than 15 minutes and it seemed that everyone had made a friend except for her.
The nice looking teacher crouched down in front of her, setting her small form into a fit of nervou sness. "Hi sweetie, is that your teddy?" Her tone gentle, easing some of the nervousness present within the child. "Yes" she whispered feebly but just about loud enough for the woman to hear. "They are very cute, what is their name?" She held out her hand to stroke the fur of the bear. "His name is Mr. Fluffers" she inwardly smiled at her genius name picking skills.
"Well I think that is a dashing name for him, I think you and Mr. Fluffers should play on the mat together, standing must not be too comfortable". Warily the girl took a step forward, looking back up to see the woman nod encouragingly at her. Finding a corner of the mat to herself she plopped down, crossing her legs and sitting Mr. Fluffers ac
"Hi" he smiled gently, not wanting to further scare the girl. For the first time in this strange place nervousness wasn't her predominant emotion, but instead it was replaced with confusion. Confusion as to why the boy is sitting here and as to why he would want to talk to her, she had noticed him previously playing with other kids at the sandbox, which seemed a lot more fun than sitting on a mat.
"Hi" she meekly replied, clutching her teddy tighter, unaware with that one word she had begun her story, a story in which she would not want to be a part of. "I'm Noah, what's your name?" He scooted closer so their legs weren't too far apart but still at a comfortable enough distance for her. "Embry" her cheeks turning red at the newfound attention.
"Whoa, that's the coolest name I've ever heard, I've never met someone with that name" the boy grinned with excitement causing a giggle from the little girl. She decided this boy was nice and that she liked him, "do you maybe want to be friends?" She whispered out, nervousness once again bubbling up in her stomach.
"Yes, let's be bestest friends, come on, want to play with the sand box" and with that, they stayed true to their word, they became best friends.
*End of flashback*
"Yes, I see, that must have been a very close friendship, did you two have any other mutual friends?"
"Not really no, I was never great at making friends, I've always been a little shy and I guess I've never noticed before but I don't think he really liked when I talked to other people."
Crossing my legs I smiled at my newfound ability to talk about this with her without stuttering like a fool. I could see the interest swirling in her eyes, "in what way?"
"Anytime I would, eh, talk to the other classmates he would interrupt in some way and bring me away from the person and as we got older I guess it just got worse and he got a little aggressive, especially when it came to me talking to other boys. It was stupid of me not to notice, I thought it was just showing me he cared."
Looking at my lap I prepared myself for her upcoming judgment. It was understandable for a child to miss these signs but a teenager, I must have looked foolish in her eyes. The signs were all too obvious and I still failed to notice.
"A lot of people mistake it for that when the abuse is starting, it's nothing to be ashamed of" she reassuringly smiled, being able to see right through me. I'd like to say she could only do that because she was in this profession for a long time but I've been told by a lot of people I was easy to read which sucked especially when it came to lying.
"And has he ever physically laid his hands on you in any inappropriate or violent way before that night?" Sympathy clear in her eyes from having to ask the question, I'm sure my answer was evident by the way my body went rigid and my eyes wide.
If only she could see how I felt on the inside, my heart rate was rocketing as the muscles in my stomach convulsed. My lungs restricting in size as air failed to get to them, panic swirling throughout every nerve in my body.
The lump in my throat increased by the second, "I-, I'm so sorry I have to go, I forgot I left the oven on" and just as quickly as the words had left my mouth I had left the building. Driving out of there as quick as I could to assure Dr. Redmond wouldn't come out to check up on me.
Being a generous distance away from her office I pulled over, resting my head against the steering wheel, gripping the sides of the wheel to stop my shaking hands. Having finally collected myself after ten minutes , I began wiping the small surplus of tears from my face.
Continuing my journey home I couldn't help but grimace at how weak and stupid I must have looked to Dr. Redmond, I have had plenty of panic attacks like that since that night but never in front of anyone, not even my parents. I never wanted anyone to see me like that and now someone has and I just want to curl up into a ball and fade away.