Chapter 204: The Commencement ceremony

Rachel's POV

The sun beats down its golden rays hotter on the college fields today.

Hot and stinging on my hand, as I adjusted the sash over my hip, my fingers quivered. With my cap pulled low to cover my face a bit. I squeezed my way through the crowd of students and their families, my legs heavy beneath me. I slugged them around. I couldn't let them find me. I just couldn't.

My eyes darted around, watchful—keen, scrutinizing the crowd for any hostile—any male that wasn’t wearing a gown, a cap, and a sash across the hip and remotely looked big was a suspect. I have come too far to let them find me.

My searching gaze fell on a lot of gowned folks, a tribe to which I belong today as a cohort. Not so many big toughs.

I sighed, a flush of calm soothing my nerves. Yet, every strange footstep that rose above the quiet, solemn voice of the alumnus blaring out from the speakers, every unnecessary cough, an unlikely yell, and a hushed whisper still had my heart racing. Had my heart beating furiously against the thin walls of my chest and had me spinning fast in the direction of the sound. Other than that—well, I was fine. Although, that was just in the literal sense.

My nose crunched tight to the assortment of colognes, raising a bitter taste on my tongue. It burned the back of my throat.

But what could I do? Everyone had agreed to dress to kill for the commencement. And they were doing just that—dressing to kill, except their knives happened to be on my neck more this afternoon.

I shouldn't be here. I should be miles away, tucked up in my motel room as I’d been for months. Draco and Logan were searching desperately for me. And this—was just like giving myself up for capture. Yet, I continued through the crowd, making my way carefully to the front. I had to come. I have toiled for years just for today.

My name would soon be called. I was to receive an award and my diploma cover.

I wondered if I’d be able to survive today without Logan and Draco spotting me. I could tell they were in the crowd, searching for me, as they’d been doing for months now—months since I’d escaped.

It was only thanks to Lara I have been able to evade them so far. She was so eager to get Logan for herself, she meticulously planned my escape and kept me hidden from them.

I stopped just behind a couple of my fellow cohort. I stared up at the alumnus on the raised podium behind a large lectern. Though he talked as gently as a psychiatrist trying to get a patient to open up, he paced about on the podium with an unusual amount of energy.

I looked away from the alumnus. Refusing to yawn as the rest of my colleagues did at his speech, my eyes drift to the folded paper in my hands. I carried it everywhere with me. Mom’s suicide note.

I folded it open slowly, my fingers shaking. My eyes running over the lines, and I read it in my mind for probably the one thousandth time since she died of an overdose.

It was all I had left of her. Two short paragraphs of her love. The third paragraph had been for Draco and Logan.

My eyes burned, stinging, stained with tears. I gripped the edges tight in my fingers as my gaze touched on the first sentence.

“I am sorry, my princess. I am probably the worst mother in the world. I lost you for over two decades of your life. I have been absent to watch you grow into the woman you have become. And now, I am leaving you again. This time, knowing full well that I won't see you ever again. You have no right to forgive me. You have every reason to hate me, just as I hate myself. Yet, I am so shameless I'd ask you to forgive me for everything, knowing well that I don't deserve it.

I don't. Even right now, I am being selfish. I am ripping myself from your life forever, just because the men I loved no longer look at me the same way they look at you now. I can endure every misfortune in the world, but not the loss of Draco's love and Logan's sparse affection. Yeah. This is another reason not to forgive me. But I sincerely hope you do, Rachel. And I sincerely hope you grow into the beautiful woman you dream to be.

To Draco and Logan, take care of my daughter, love her as you both claim you do, as you have both shown me that you do. Don't you dare unlove her, because if you do, then I’ll be coming to haunt both of your asses as a ghost.”

I squeezed the paper tighter, folding and crunching it in my fingers. “I forgive you, Mom. I forgive you.” I muttered to myself. I slapped my hand to my chest, pressing down on the ache consuming me from the inside. Tears burned my eyes more. I blinked to stop them, yet they dropped—warm against my cheeks, as they cascaded down to my lips.

My eyes snapped wide on the podium. My name was blaring loud from the speakers. Damn. I screamed at myself, and I began pushing through the remnant crowd before me, most of whom were already turning around to find the girl whose name was being screamed through the whole college field.

I ran up the makeshift stairs of the makeshift podium. An alumnus held an award certificate to me while he read out a speech. “Named in honor of Dr. Kübler-Ross, a pioneer in grief psychology and compassionate care, we are presenting…”

I bowed my head from the crowd and the sun as I received the award from him and a letter.

The cameras flashed bright white lights on me. I avoided them, bowing lower and half-running down the podium.

The whole field paused around me—silent. My skin crawled as I felt a thousand eyes on me. Fuck. I pinched harder at my sash as I ran. This was a bad start to the most apprehensive day of my life.

I turned away from the crowd, running rather to the back of the podium, my heart thundering against my chest, nearly about to burst from its cage. My head was still bowed low.

Like a snap of the finger, the world resumed around me again. I glanced back at the podium. Then I started, a loud gasp escaping my lips. I tripped, slamming my ass down to the grass in the college field.

My eyes froze up at his big frame, looming just over me—Logan.

“Hello, Rachel.” He grinned—a tight, painful grin. It didn't reach his icy blue eyes. He squatted before me. “Do you know you are the first woman to ever make me this miserable?”