Chapter 18

Kitty.

Kirsten had us working in two-hour sessions, three times a day. I was an emotional mess at the end of some of the sessions, but she always sent me to the farmhouse, where Chase fed me steaks and briskets and bacon, and once he brought a dozen chickens over from another section of their property, and we slaughtered them and cooked them fresh. Damn, but my tiger wanted to come out and eat them before we slaughtered them.

“You raise your own food here?” I asked while we worked.

“It was my idea. Another way to make myself useful to the pack. We have a farm area with free range chickens and domestic turkeys. We also have rabbits, which are surprisingly easy to breed, and I’ll be bringing in sheep next month. The bikers have cows we can purchase, so there’s no need in duplicating those efforts.” He shrugged. “It isn’t a huge operation. We’re considered a hobby farm. We don’t officially sell any of our product. Unofficially, we trade chickens and turkeys for beef with the bikers. Eventually, we’ll set up a butchering facility, and then we’ll sell meat to our pack members. For now, we use the meat we raise to feed everyone during pack gatherings.”

“What’s with the jail cells in the basement?”

“For new wolves who can’t control themselves yet.”

I wanted to ask him what his story was. It was like talking to a hundred-year-old wolf who lived in the body of a twenty-year old man. Also, he seemed both alpha and omega at the same time.

But I instinctively understood he was trying to appear normal. That I was some kind of test for him.

So, I didn’t ask.

Kirsten had been right to keep me apart from her in between our sessions. I had no idea how intense it would be to go over my life with her. Emotions and baggage I’d neatly tucked away came spilling out when I least expected it, and I found myself going for long walks in the woods in between sessions, trying to sort through my feelings.

Would I enjoy normal sex if I hadn’t been taught to be submissive in the bedroom? Kirsten said the odds of me being submissive were about the same as me being Dominant once I was out on my own. The odds of being a switch were slightly less, but also fairly significant.

I’d found my way to a particularly enchanting section of the forest, and wasn’t in the least surprised when I came upon a small temple-looking building. It seemed wrong to step inside, so I sat on the ground just to the north of it and let the energy of the place soothe me.

So of course, this is when the Amakhosi chose to come to me.

I recognized his energy right away and shifted from sitting on my butt to kneeling prostrate before him. My racing heart thrummed in my ears, but I couldn’t let my panic consume me.

It took everything within me to speak without sounding terrified. I knew he could scent my panic and fear, but I managed to speak in my normal voice.

“Your Majesty.”

“I find it troubling that two vampires have conspired to keep from me the fact my queen is helping a golden tigress. Why aren’t you with your ambush? You’re Vincenzo’s daughter, yes?”

“I am, my King.” Tears gathered in my throat so I could barely get the words out. I tried to swallow them down, but terror kept them pushed up.

He sat on the ground in front of me. “At ease, little cat. What is your name? I know your father, but I’ve only met you a few times, and the name isn’t coming to me. I apologize.”

“Val, Your majesty.”

“Ah. Valentina. That’s right. I need to know why you’re here, Val.”

Tears spilled down my face and I couldn’t stop them. His energy was so massive, and I knew he was going to send me back to my father.

The next thing I knew, Kirsten appeared out of nowhere and started berating the Amakhosi.

“What the fuck are you doing here? I told you I needed you to stay away a few days while I worked with a client!”

“And you had to know I’d need to check out what you were keeping from me.”

She stood with her feet spread, hands on her hips, and glared at him. “No. I thought we were past that.”

He stood and faced her, his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow raised. “Guess not.”

She folded her arms over her chest, mirroring him. “She’s under my protection. You can’t have her.”

“She’s one of mine. I already have her. Our deal was that you don’t interfere with my cats.”

“Our deal was that you won’t interfere with my patients!” She blew out a breath. “She’s also under Kendra’s protection, and Brooke’s, and the Birmingham RTMC.”

“Female aureus tigers don’t live outside the safety of the ambush’s walls. Every baby, every birth, is important, but the females are the most valued.”

“I don’t give a fuck. She’s a twenty-year-old girl who deserves to be able to make her own way in this world!” She sighed. “And she’s in love with a wolf.”

“Who?”

“Sasquatch. In Birmingham.”

“So, not one of Cora’s wolves.”

“No.”

He sighed and looked to me, still on the ground, prostrate. “It isn’t fair, little tiger, but you’re going to have to give them cubs. I’ll negotiate with your father so you can have your freedom after you’ve provided the offspring they need.”

“Like hell you will!” Kirsten told him, and she reached down and lifted me until I stood beside her. I stared at His Majesty’s shoes, unable to lift my gaze.

“Don’t fight me on this. Please.” His Majesty’s voice sounded like every other man arguing with his girlfriend, and yet there was so much power in the air, I could barely breathe. It felt as if a million electrified ants crawled on my skin.

“Please isn’t going to work this time.” How was Kirsten standing up to him?

Another man appeared out of nowhere. Larger than the Amakhosi, and more powerful. I went to my knees again, my body trembling. I had no idea who this man was, but I was certain he wasn’t human.

“What is going on?” His voice came out like thunder. My heart stopped beating.

“This is between me and Kirsten,” the Amakhosi told him.

The next thing I knew, the huge man had me in his arms, holding me like a baby, and I could breathe again. It was as if he protected me from everyone’s power, even his own.

“You’re scaring the tiger. What happened to being the caretaker of your people?”

“You knew her entire life story five seconds after she was in your arms. You know why I have to insist she goes back.”

“There have been some big strides in gene therapy. Perhaps the medical professionals can take the eggs from her and let them grow in another tigress? There’s one the boy in Texas is attracted to. Why can’t she be a surrogate?”

I opened my eyes and looked at the huge man holding me. He had to be seven feet tall. He was holding me as if I were an infant.

“Will that work with shapeshifters?” I asked.

“It will if I help things along.”

I looked to the Amakhosi and focused on his chin. I didn’t dare look him in the eyes.

“Please, Your Majesty. I’m begging you not to send me back to my father. Or to any other ambush. Please.”

“The only promise I can make is that I will look into the situation and see what I can do.”

Kirsten took a step to me, grabbed my arm, and I heard the very beginning of a protest from the Amakhosi, and then I had to fight to land on my feet, because I was no longer being held, and Kirsten and I were in a different place.

I looked around. We were on a landing between two massive sets of steps leading up to a castle.

A freaking castle.

“Where are we? How did you do that?”

“Long story short, it’s a different realm. We aren’t on earth anymore. I’m Queen here.” She blew out a breath, looked around, and then looked back to me. “We have more work to do, and you won’t be able to access your emotions if you’re worried about the asshole Lion King sweeping you up and returning you to your father.”

The huge man who’d been holding me appeared beside us on the steps, and he crossed his arms and gave Kirsten a look that should’ve had her shaking in her boots, but she merely told him, “He can’t have her.”

The man made me want to drop to my knees again, but Kirsten was holding my hand and I couldn’t figure out how to get there gracefully. It seemed important I do it with proper poise, as if doing it clumsily would be worse than not doing it at all, so I stood still.

“He’s trying to find a compromise,” the huge, muscle-bound man told Kirsten.

“I’m not in the mood to do that right now. Val and I have more work to do.”

He shook his head. “Your staff is in a tizzy inside. They weren’t expecting you for another three days. You should introduce me to your friend.”

Kirsten turned to me. “Sorry, this is Mordecai. He pops in to check on me when he senses an adrenaline rush.” She took a breath, blew it out. “I’m calmer now. I doubt he’ll stick around long. I brought you here because it gives us time to figure out what you want to do. What you can and can’t live with. If you have no problems with them harvesting eggs and letting someone else carry them to term, we’ll go with it. If you take issue with it? We’ll fight it. Your body belongs to you. Period. You’re more than a science experiment. I can keep you safe in this realm. I’d like to think Brooke and Kendra can keep you safe in your home realm, but it isn’t a given. Supernatural law is complex, and it’s frequently fucked up.”

I felt calm wash over me, and looked up to see the oddest being. She was a woman, and yet, she seemed to be made of a tree.

“This is my dear friend, Cedrotrix.” She looked to the odd woman who made me feel as if I never wanted to leave this place. “Zeta, this is Val. The Amakhosi is being an ass, so I’ve brought her here to keep her safe. Should he bargain his way here, he isn’t to have any contact with her.”

Three guards were now fifteen feet from us, facing out, making sure no one else came near.

“We can put her in the guest room off your suite,” Cedrotrix told her. Or Zeta? I wasn’t sure what to call her. She looked at me and said, “Please, call me Zeta.”

“Did you read my mind?”

She shook her head and touched my arms. “I did not, but I could feel the confusion in your energy field, and I understood it.”

Kirsten looked at me, thinking. “Letting you live in the farmhouse gave you space between sessions. You spent a lot of time in the forest, letting nature heal you. I’d like you to stay in the castle tonight, but I can put you in a forest cottage tomorrow, if you’d prefer.”

“You said you’re Queen? What does that mean?”

“Technically, I’m the Harlequin, but this makes me Queen of the realm. There are stewards who do most of the governing. I kind of accidentally became Queen, and I take the responsibility seriously, but the stewards had been running the realm a long time, and they do an excellent job, so it seems best to let them continue. The people are happy to have a Queen again, so I do what I can to be the figurehead they need. It’s a long, complicated story, but the truth is that I can keep you safe here, and I might not be able to in your home realm.”

“Can Squatch come visit me here?”

“Once we finish our work, if you still want him, then yes.”

“I will.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. There was too much to think about, standing on the steps of a castle in some far-off realm. I wanted to pinch myself.

“You’ve given them enough time, Your Majesty,” Zeta told Kirsten.

“Thank you.” Kirsten looked to me. “We can go in now. They weren’t expecting me, and they like to do this official welcome thing. It’s a little annoying, but just smile and go with it. You’re here as my guest, so you’ll get a lot of attention.”

As she spoke, someone rolled an honest-to-goodness red carpet down the steps, and Kirsten took my hand so we climbed the stairs together. Side-by-side. The huge muscle-bound man was gone. I had no idea when he’d left, or how.

The doors were massive, and they were opened by men dressed like extras in a movie, something between a royal butler and a soldier, maybe. Once inside, the guards closed in around us and walked us through a magnificent foyer, up a grand staircase, and down a stately hallway. We were finally ushered into a room full of sunlight and plants, and seated at a small table where a fancy tea service was presented. The three of us had tea along with the best little lemon cookies I’ve ever had the joy of eating. It was as if the lemons had been grown with love, and I tasted and felt it when I ingested the cookies.

When we finished eating, Kirsten looked at me and then Zeta. “Stay where you are. No standing just because I am. I need to say a few words before we retire to my suite.”

Kirsten rose to her feet, and I wasn’t sure why I saw the difference now, but she looked like a Queen. She still wore the same navy pants and lightweight clingy short-sleeved navy sweater, but she had the energy and bearings of royalty. She stepped out onto a balcony and spoke to people below her.

“I’m thrilled to be back in Alfheim. It’s an unexpected visit, and I have much to do, but I wanted to say a few words before I get to work. I love my time here. It’s thanks to all of you that the energy of this place is so magical and healing. The plants, the trees, the people. Alfheim is lucky to have every last one of you here, maintaining an important power center in this realm.”

She stood in silence a few moments, seemed to bow to the people, and turned and came inside without saying anything else.

“You are in Alfheim. Land of the elves. High elves. Bright elves. Nature sprites. Shapeshifters. You’ll have access to more of your magic here. Come. We’ll use my office for our next session.”

Her office had two chairs in front of the desk, and a sofa against a wall. Instead of sitting behind the desk, she turned one of the chairs to face the sofa and motioned for me to sit on it.

“Let’s do this the old-fashioned way. Put your feet up and lean your head back. Get comfortable.”

I did, and she was Kirsten again. Not Queen. She was still Harlequin, but she’d always had the energy of nature, this was just more. She isn’t human, isn’t a shapeshifter, isn’t a vampire. I hadn’t known what she was, but it made more sense now. Some kind of nature spirit, but more powerful.

“During our last session, you told me you were raised to believe you were nothing more than the end result of a costly and time-consuming science project, and then an hour later, you had to listen to the Amakhosi reinforce the idea that you somehow owe the ambush your children. Would you like to talk about how that made you feel?”

Tears threatened to come, but I swallowed them down. “No, actually, I don’t, but I know that won’t fly with you. It made me feel like shit. It’s true that I came into being specifically so I could provide healthy little cubs, but I want to raise my own babies. I don’t want to trust them to others. Also, what if Squatch and I want a family? I don’t even know if he wants kids. We haven’t had that conversation yet!” I took a breath. “I didn’t want to move to Australia or Alaska to run from my family again because I wanted to find a way to stay with Squatch. Bringing me here doesn’t let me live the life I’d started in Birmingham.”

“It’s temporary, until we figure things out. You were going to be at Homewood another week, at least. If you’re here instead, it won’t matter. Right?”

I nodded. She was right, of course.

“If I were to provide eggs, I’d want it in writing that they wouldn’t be trained for sex like I was. I’d want it in writing that they could choose their mate.”

“A decent start towards negotiation points. I would encourage you to write these things out in between our sessions. A list of what you must have, and what you want. Also, the things that are never going to happen.”

“Sometimes, it feels as if I’m being unreasonable. I mean, I understand the concept of the greater good, but this is my life. I want my kids to be able to go out into the world and make their own lives. If they want to live in the ambush, that’s fine, but they need a choice.”

“The choice you weren’t given.”

Neither of us said anything for a few moments, and she asked, “What do you think your mother should have done?”

“My mother wasn’t given a choice either. She lobbied hard to be able to see me four times a year. I’m thankful I was allowed to have a relationship with her.”

“How would you be different if you hadn’t?”

The question brought me up short. My mother’s visits had been the cornerstones of my young life. She gave me advice. She played games with me. She taught me logic. She made me feel good about myself as a human being, and not just as a science project.

“I’d be more robot than human, I think. The cat would be more in control than the woman, but the woman wouldn’t have had any inkling of autonomy when in her two-legged form.”

“Keep going.”

“This is why it’s so important I get to raise my kids.”

“We’ve found other reasons, but I agree, I think this is a big point. It does open up the possibility of how you’d feel about choosing a surrogate mom, assuming you’d get to help raise the children she gave birth to.”

“When a wolf and cat procreate, you never know what you’ll get.” I’d considered this a few times, but hadn’t voiced it out loud before.

“That’s my understanding. The child could be cat or wolf. Occasionally, you get a human who doesn’t shift into anything.”

I sighed. “The ambush protects us. If Squatch and I gave birth to golden tigers, we’d have no way to hide them. It isn’t reasonable to try to keep a child’s hair dyed, and you can’t explain to them why they can never tell anyone what it looks like. And how would you explain the need for contacts? They couldn’t go to a regular school. They couldn’t have friends. The ambush lets us live without worry of what our kids know, and what our hair looks like. Only those who need to go out must hide their hair and eyes.”

“So unless you’re willing to live in an ambush, or to send your kids to be raised by someone in the ambush, you don’t dare have kids at all?”

Now, I let the tears stream down my face. I hadn’t understood why I had to talk about my dad, and my uncle, and my brothers, and my life inside the ambush, and how everything made me feel. Now that we were finally talking about the future, I understood it wouldn’t have been possible if we didn’t have the past as our foundation. My heart shattered inside my chest because I did want to eventually be a mom, but I never wanted to have to live in an ambush again.

“Aaron and Sophia home school their dragon triplets,” Kirsten said. “It isn’t the same thing, but it’s possible you might find a way to make it work. The hair thing will be a challenge, no argument there. I think we’ve accomplished enough for this session, but if there’s something else you want to talk about, you have me another twenty minutes.”

She never let a session go over two hours. We frequently cut them ten to twenty minutes short, but we never went over. “I’d like to talk to Squatch. I know you said we have to finish our sessions, but...”

She tilted her head. “We’ve talked at length about submission versus dominance, and how people with a similar background to you generally become either Top or bottom, but are rarely vanilla. Shapeshifters almost always balance some kind of power exchange into their sexual relations, so it’s likely you’d have been submissive no matter your early beginnings.”

“Right. It’s like the kid who’s been bullied. Some grow up to be adults who are bullied, others grow up to be bullies. Those who decide to be neither often become cops with the intention of helping those who need someone stronger to protect them.”

“Are you comfortable with your status as submissive? You say you never fought him on it, but you’ve certainly questioned it.”

“I didn’t question it until you got me to talking about it. It’s who I am, and you’ve helped me see there’s as much strength in submission as there is in leading. I have no desire to try to Top someone.”

“Okay. I can bring him here.”