Chapter 73
Horatio chased Sergeant and tried to tear the nappy from his teeth. Sergeant wouldn’t let go. The nappy was ripped apart and the contents flew all over the conservatory windows.
There was this terrible, terrible silence.
Brown shadows hung over the lunch table.
Everyone looked politely at their plates. Except Helen, who was glaring at me with boiling eyes.
We all carried on having lunch as though there wasn’t poo on the glass.
Penelope rushed us through the courses (walnut and Stilton salad, beef Wellington, crème brûlée). Then she said there wasn’t really time for a cheese course and she and Bill had an appointment.
Bill said, ‘What appointment?’
Penelope hissed, ‘The appointment!’ in a way that sounded like a fire extinguisher going off.
When we left, Helen grabbed my arm and said, ‘I will never, EVER live this down. Do not tell ANYONE about this lunch. Ever.’
Got home, phoned Mum and told her about the lunch.
She laughed for ten minutes without stopping.
Then she got Dad, Laura and Brandi on conference call and told them the story.
They laughed for ten minutes without stopping.
Then Mum ran downstairs and told everyone in the pub.
Monday March 30th
Katy fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon. I didn’t dare move her into the stroller – she gets all upset if she’s woken. So I was stuck indoors and couldn’t get out to do the shopping.
I asked Nick to pick up some food on the way home. He bought:
A four-pack of continental lager
A large bag of double-fried sour cream crisps
A Spanish meat platter
When I asked Nick about food for Katy, he looked at me blankly.
‘Crisps and smoked meat are too salty for her,’ I explained.
He said he wasn’t a ‘bloody baby nutritionist’ and had no idea what food she needed.
Then he sat on the sofa, ate all the crisps and the meat platter and drank a continental lager while bouncing Katy on his knee.
Helen was lingering in the kitchen, pretending to work on her laptop.
She muttered, ‘Nicholas shouldn’t have to do the shopping. He works hard enough as it is.’
Ha!
All Nick’s done today is meet a friend for lunch.
I told Helen it wasn’t the 1950s and Nick should pull his weight. And anyway, Katy had kept me under house arrest all day, so I couldn’t make the shops.
Helen said, ‘Well, that proves my point once again about routine, doesn’t it? You let that baby rule this house.’
I said, ‘No Helen –you rule this house. And you don’t even live here.’
Right now, I’m past caring about falling out with her. She still hasn’t forgiven me for the Dearheart lunch.
God – WE NEED TO MOVE!
Tuesday March 31st
Miracle of miracles, Sadie turned up for training today.
She was wearing a designer running outfit with go-faster stripes and colour-co-ordinated sunglasses.
I think she was hoping to see Alex, because she said, ‘Oh – is it just you then?’
I didn’t tell her Alex might be coming tomorrow.
Nick snorted, ‘Are you auditioning for a part, Sadie? Because you’re just not believable.’
Sadie said, ‘At least they show my face when I get parts, lizard boy. No one’s ever CGI’d me out.’
She knows how to twist the knife. Nick is so embarrassed about that Star Trek thing. He really thought he was going to be the new face of American television.
Nick got all defensive, insisting he’d known all along they were going to CGI him out.
Sadie said, ‘Really? Because I heard your acting was so over-the-top they had to get rid of you, or lose hours of footage.’
Ouch.
Nick muttered something about pancake day.
Sadie smirked, stuck her bum out and said, ‘You know, I should have been an athlete. It suits me, don’t you think? I can run forever. Just forever.’
Then she looked at me and said, ‘You really do need a sports bra.’
During our run, we started talking about babies and pregnancy and stuff.
Sadie asked how Nick was at Katy’s birth.
I told her he was terrified and spent half my labour downing whisky to cope with ‘mental female shit’. And after the birth, he took all my prescription painkillers for his hangover.
Sadie said maybe he’d do better with the next baby.
I told her we weren’t having another baby. Not unless Nick did some serious growing up.
We ran about a mile in total before Sadie complained about blisters.
‘You canover-train,’ she said, as we walked back to the apartment. ‘No sense burning ourselves out before the big day.’