When work is just about finished, I receive a call from the lobby downstairs. A package has arrived. Seeing it as an opportunity to escape from the tension hovering over the office space, I hurry downstairs and retrieve the box. I take it back upstairs, grab a pair of scissors and get to work. I slide the blade down and to the sides to tear the tape. Once the excess tape is removed, I open the box.
Whatever joy has been left in me dies. I stare at the dark plastic urn nestled in the box's confines. I forgot all about my mother's remains. I was supposed to get a call to pick them up, not have them mailed to me. The hospital is directly across from us. Why didn’t they ring me instead of shipping them over?
My bottom lip trembles. I pull the urn out, hugging it to my chest. I bite myself, trying to stop the shaking. This is all that is left of the most important person in my life. The woman that was so strong willed and full of life, reduced to handfuls of ash. I slip the urn back into the box. What is the whole point of living if we are just going to die anyway? I remember when I was a child and a close friend of mine died, I asked my grandmother at the time that exact question.
My grandmother's reply was simple, “It’s the memories in between that of life and death that matter.” I didn’t understand what she meant back then. In a way, I do now.
It’s the memories we leave behind, both the good and the bad. The memories others hold of us that get to live on. Now that’s all I have left of her - memories. Memories are what I will have to hold closest to my heart because they will be the only thing to remember her by. I will never get to hear her voice again, never get to feel the warmth of her hugs. Everything I'd forced to the back of my mind rushes forward because of this small plastic urn, the only thing left of the amazing woman she was.
I pack the urn back into the box, secure the lid and stare down at it, lost in my thoughts. I stare off blankly into space, I don't notice Tobias until he speaks. “What’s in the box?” He asks, moving the lid, ready to peer inside.
I close the box before he can see. “Nothing,” I say, picking it up. It’s already time to leave for the day. I follow Tobias, Theo walks out of his office and heads to the elevator seeing that we are ready to leave.
I step into the elevator and move to the back behind them, the box clenched tightly in my hands. I’m back on autopilot, going through the motions but not really experiencing any of it. When we get to the car, I retreat to the backseat, the box still cradled in my arms. I ignore Tobias trying to tell me to get in front. I don't want to be next to either of them after today's earlier incident. Guilt eats at me over Theo kissing me, did I lead him on in any way? Tobias hasn’t mentioned it. But by the way he refused to talk to me most of the day, I can tell he’s pissed off.
The other back door opens and Tobias slides into the seat next to me. Theo hops into the driver's seat and gives me a confident grin from the rearview mirror. At least I won't have to worry about mom's ashes getting knocked around due to Tobias's awful driving.
Tobias moves closer, his leg brushing up against my bare one. I sigh, letting my head fall back against the soft cushion and let my gaze float to the window. The drive back is slow with a lot of stops and pauses. Maybe there is an accident somewhere, I move the box to the floor of the car.
Tobias glances at me out of the corner of his eye, “What are you doing this afternoon?” He asks while we are stopped at yet another intersection. Theo pulls off the highway, deciding to go another way and the car moves in and out of traffic once more.
“Nothing, as always,” I answer softly, still staring out the window.
“Good, that means you will be happy to have visitors then.” I flop my head to the side to inspect him. Tobias is such a hard person to figure out. He'd been pissed at me this morning when I hadn't done anything to him. And yet, after what happened today, when I'd expect him to be upset, he's warm again. I try to think of how I can word the fact that I don't want visitors. I just want to get home, snuggle my stray dog, if he’s around, and sleep.
“Who?” I question.
“Myself, and maybe Theo later, if he behaves.”
I gulp. How am I supposed to behave towards Tobias outside the office? He’s always so domineering to be around, let alone be stuck alone with him in the apartment. Every time I have been around Tobias, usually Theo is there, so it isn’t too awkward. Why does Tobias want to come over after everything that happened? Or maybe that is why, maybe he'll concoct some sort of punishment for kissing his boyfriend.
“Why?” I demand.
“To make sure you don’t find the bottom of that bottle that was left on the floor this morning.” Tobias replies dryly, "Or find your way to another one."
I roll my eyes, “You make it seem like I have a drinking problem.”
“Do you?” He questions, moving closer to me, I glare at him. The car stops again, this time at the lights down the street from the apartment building. Unclicking my seatbelt, I prepare to hop out at the traffic lights. I’m not going to sit here and be told what I can and can’t do with my body. If I want to drink, that’s none of their business. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone.
When I open the door, Tobias' hand comes down on my knee grabbing it. “What are you doing?”
Cold Tobias is back, big surprise. “Here I was thinking it was pretty self-explanatory. I’m getting out,” I say, snatching my purse and my mother’s urn before stepping out in the middle of the backed-up traffic. I walk to the curb only to hear Tobias open his door too. He follows me down the street, he even jogs over to catch up to me. I ignore him and walk faster, the box cradled to my chest. He falls in line with me, keeping pace. Why won’t he just leave me alone? “Will you just leave me alone? I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now.”
“I am not done speaking to you. Until I am, you will listen to what I have to say.” Tobias replies.
I ignore him and walk straight up the stairs of the apartment building. Theo waits in line with the build-up of cars that line the street. Tobias however is right on my tail, refusing to let me escape him.
Walking through the lobby, the young woman at the front desk calls out, “Boss, I have some letters for you.” She grabs something from behind the desk and runs over to him. Tobias stops and huffs in annoyance, eyes burning a hole through me.
Boss? Let me guess, he owns this place too. Wouldn’t surprise me. Escaping while he’s distracted, I make my way to my apartment, jamming the key in. I unlock the door, quickly step in and close the door and lock the deadbolt.
The stray is gone again, but I have no doubt he will be back later tonight. He always seems to go walk about during the day. Going over to the courtyard door, I quickly close it so Tobias can’t get in to go on one of his rampages. When I return to the living room, Tobias is leaning on the counter. I jump and shriek at him just appearing out of thin air. “How did you get in?”
“I have a key,” he tells me, holding them up and showing me.
“Please, Tobias, can we argue another day? I’m sorry I kissed Theo, I know it was wrong. I get that, but please can we do this tomorrow?”
He doesn’t say anything, just turns around and rummages through the cupboards. He pulls bottle after bottle out of the box I have stored mom’s spirits in. Walking over, I grab them, trying to place them back in. He ignores me and pulls them out again.
“What are you doing, Tobias?” I demand. I’m close to my limit, how much harder is he going to push me today?
“You have a problem, and I am removing the problem.” He answers so calmly like I asked about the weather.
“I don’t have a problem,” I snarl the words. Why does he have to make me feel like a caged animal all the time? I wish my stray was here to chomp on his fingers. I won't even scold him for it, I'll praise him.
“Well, this says otherwise and the fact that you are constantly hungover at work.” I jump up and sit on the counter, watching him as he continues to butt into yet another aspect of my life. But this time I can't fight him, at least not yet. After everything today, I’m drained. I settle for glaring at him as he goes through my personal things yet again.