Chapter 53

**TW: Thoughts of suicide**

**Morning**

The sandman didn't visit me last night. I couldn't sleep. Instead I played on Mr Peter's phone and beat his high score on Bejeweled and read the book he had downloaded on it which was fun to read actually. It had run out of battery but luckily for me Julie has the same phone so I used her charger.

It is now ten AM and I'm standing outside Julie's apartment smoking. I'm not a heavy smoker but for some reason it calmed my nerves and it is something to do.

I rub my face and then run my free hand through my hair. They nearly found out last night and I now know it would only take a matter of time before they would fully find out.

Julie has eyes like a hawk and when she sets out to find something out she becomes Sherlock Holmes all of a sudden. I have to be more careful with the makeup. Probably not wear eyeliner as much and get a different foundation. Maybe a matte they cover well too.

I sigh, I hate been on my own it makes me think and replay things in my mind it is my own personal torture and I hate it. Sometimes I think about ending it all because then everything will stop. The deep pain would stop. Some people would think I'd be used to it by now but it feels like a war, everyday is a battle that I lose. I should stop fighting really and just surrender and let him do whatever because sooner or later he'll kill me. It will be the best thing he has done since this all started. He isn't ever going to get help and I know that but if I keep telling myself he will then just maybe I'll believe it. Maybe.

A door shutting takes me out of my thoughts and I stand up straight but keep my view on the scenery in front of me which is the gates to the apartment building and the road in front of it and a garden that obviously gets tended to every now and then by the apartment building owner.

"I thought you didn't smoke much," I hear a very familiar English accent voice. I turn to see Logan standing looking at me.

"Where did you come from?" I ask.

"James's apartment," he states. I frown slightly "you?" he asks

"Julie's," I say pointing to the door "I thought you were staying at Scott's," I state.

"Yeah Scott lives with James now," he states.

"Ohhh," I say and turn.

"So..." he says and takes the cigarette out from between my fingers "what are you doing out here?" he says dropping the cigarette. I watch it fall from the balcony I'm standing at to the ground three floors down.

"I'm smoking," I state "but also thinking," I say

"About what?" he asks, standing up straight and turning to look at me.

"Things," I say and then look at him "why are you out here?" I ask.

"Leaving," he states.

"Oh," I say and yawn.

"You look shattered," he states.

"Thanks," I say. He chuckles and then I look at him "is it just me or did you say you were my boyfriend last night after you punched that guy?" I ask. He clears his throat and shifts "I only remember parts of last night," I state.

"Well erm men tend to, sometimes leave off a girl if the guy that's hitting them is the girl's boyfriend… that is why I said it," he says scratching the back of his head, obviously nervous. "And well it just came out," he explains "I...I'm sorry," he says looking down at his feet.

"It's fine," I say, stifling a giggle. He looks so cute nervous. His eyes slowly roam up my body and then he quickly looks away and then back at me "Got him to leave so it's fine," I say quietly and lean back until I feel the metal bar of the railing touch my back and rest my elbows on the top. "So… Yasmin, Julie and Melanie know that we kissed," I state.

"Yeah they followed us," he says. I turn to look at him "I’d forgotten they were at the diner when I...err...kissed you,"

"They told me everything anyway they took the shortcut to get to the diner before us and sat a booth away from us," I state "and they took the shortcut back to get in front of us," I pause "not that it would have mattered seen as we got a bit distracted," I say with a small smile.

"Yeah," he says "they're not going to say anything are they?" he asks.

"No, you'll get a bit of teasing from Julie and a glare off Melanie and well Yasmin doesn't seem too bothered," I state.

"Oh ok," he says "that's good," he sighs in relief.

"Do you want your jacket?" I ask.

"Yeah please," he says and I walk back into Julie's apartment to see Julie and Yasmin making breakfast.

"There you are," Julie says "we thought you had done a runner," she says with a small smile. I smile back.

"No, unlucky for you I didn't," I state. She chuckles "I'm just going to go get Mr Peters jacket," I say and walk back into her bedroom to see Melanie laid on the blow up mattress I would have been laid on but gave it to her to lay on as I wasn't sleeping. She gave me a small smile and then yawns.

"It's too early" she groans"Julie needs to get darker drapes, drapes that block light" she says. I giggle and grab the black jacket. She sits up and looks at me. I smile and walk out of the room to the living room.

"Why are you getting his jacket?" Yasmin ask.

"To give it to him, he's outside. It turns out his friend lives next door to Julie," I state.

"Oh yeah," Julie says, slapping her forehead "I totally forgot," she says "duh earth to Julie," she says.

Yasmin chuckles "oh Julie you are losing it in your old age,"

"I know," she says and starts to fake cry "hold me," she says.

"No," Yasmin says walking away.

"Meany," Julie huffs. I giggle and walk out of the apartment and hold his jacket out to him.

"Here," I say. He turns and takes it "Urm I beat your high score on Bejewelled so you may want to start practising,"

"Seriously, that took me months to get," he whines.

"Really, it only took me a few hours," I say.

"Show off," he huffs. I smile and fold my arms across my body "thanks," he says.

"No problem, thanks for letting me wear it. I probably would have died otherwise," I say.

"Well, we wouldn't want that," he says, putting the jacket on. He steps closer to me and then smiles "so I'll see you on Monday," he says.

"Urm..."

"That is if you come to my lesson," he says.

"Yeah," I say running my hand through my hair "about that, it's only because I sort of feel like a bitch,"

"Don't, I understand," he says. I smile slightly and feel him trace the back of his fingers down my arm. "So..." he says, breaking the silence slightly.

"So..." I say pressing my lips together and then biting my top lip. I want to kiss him so badly but this time I won't have anything to blame it on other than my deep attraction to him.

"So..." he repeats.