Chapter 6: CHAPTER SIX
Savannah lifted her head from her desk and glanced at the clock. All she wanted to do was go home and relax. The research she’d been doing unnerved her. The anxiety pill she took did little to take the edge off. She looked at the folded paper peeking at her from her purse and felt her eyes sting. What had she done to deserve this? She had to admit that her relationship with God wasn’t as strong as she knew it should have been, but she always said her grace and said some semblance of prayer before she dozed off into her pillow. She knew it wasn’t enough, but God was in the business of knowing who needed more mercy.
Savannah reached for a tissue and willed herself to get it together. She dabbed at her eyes and took a sip of the undisturbed glass of water sitting on her desk. She refused to cry at work. No one in the office had ever seen that side of her and the last thing she needed was for them to see any sign of weakness. Dean had come into the office a few times, lingering around, staring when he thought she wasn’t looking.
She received a text message from Dwight saying that he was thinking about her and that he would talk to her later. She talked to him again last night and each conversation they had brought them closer. She could feel herself falling for him, despite her better judgment. The responsible thing to do would be to tell him what was developing. She just couldn’t. The selfish side of her wanted to keep him in this unmolested moment where he thought the world of her and where they had forever to figure out what to do next. They talked about each other’s day and after a few more texts, he said goodbye. She felt like stretching across her desk and closing her eyes for the next few hours. But that was against protocol and the last thing she needed was for Dean to have another reason to visit her office.
She shrugged off any thoughts about Dean and put her glasses back on. She tried hard not to doze off as she read through demographic reports and financial analysis. Her toes twiddled around in the carpet under her desk as she chewed on a pencil and read line by line of Clarke’s business plan. He had called earlier in the day to say he would not be able to make their meeting. He was not sure when he would be free again, but he would leave a message with Savannah’s assistant. Normally, a move like that would make her nervous, especially with a new client. But she needed the time for a mental regrouping.
“Was there anything else you needed, Savannah?”
Savannah looked up, her glasses resting on the tip of her nose. Pulling them off quickly, she dropped them on top of her desk. “Hmmm?”
“I asked if you needed anything else?” Kendra asked, tucking her purse under her shoulder.
“It’s that time already?” She looked at her watch. “Were you able to reschedule with Mr. Clarke?”
“Yes. He agreed to next week since things have been so hectic.”
“Okay. Thank you. Enjoy your evening.” Savannah placed the reports she was looking through back in the folders and placed them in her lock drawer. She grabbed her bags, turned off the lights and headed home.
*****
“He’s chewing on the pieces again, Mommy!” Jake yelled, snatching a Lego from his younger brother. Nicholas started wailing and tried to snatch it back.
“Come on you guys, there are plenty of pieces here.” Savannah grabbed a bright red one and handed it to Nicholas, who grabbed it and smiled.
Savannah picked up Jack from school and Nicholas from Kim’s and after dinner they spent a few hours playing their favorite games. They played Transformers for the longest time and now she was picking Legos out of her hair. She valued this time with her boys, knowing that they all needed this time together. Especially now that she was unsure of what was going to happen to her. She watched Jake play and realized that he was beginning to look just like his father. As if she needed something else to remind her of her failed marriage.
“Jake, why don’t you go to Nicky’s room and get him one of his toys so that he won’t mess with your castle?”
She watched Jake disappear down the hall. Nicholas stood up and ran towards her. He looked just like Jake when he was little. “Mommy!” He squealed when he finally landed in her arms. She kissed his neck and listened to him laugh and giggle.
Suddenly she realized that Jake had joined the action and now they were both hanging from her neck, pulling on her legs, tickling her. She laughed until she cried and after twenty minutes, they were all sprawled out on the carpet breathing heavily.
“You guys want a snack?”
“Yes!” They said in unison.
“We can watch TV until it’s time to go to bed.”
Jake stood up. “Okay. But we have to watch what me and Nicholas want to watch.”
“Deal.”
Moments later, her kids were laughing at the yellow sponge. She must have been tired because usually when she tried to find it funny there was something about it that just didn’t make her laugh. She had always wanted to change the channel instead. But tonight, she found herself trying to hold back a giggle. It scared her. If she started thinking this was funny, what else about her would change. Her mind rolled over the thoughts lingering in the back of her head. If she could just be assured that they would be taken care of, she would be better able to handle what was happening. She rubbed their heads. They were watching tv for a while when Jake tapped her on her hand.
“Yea baby?”
“Who was that man at the hospital?” Jake looked at her.
“He’s a friend of mine.”
“Is he your boyfriend?”
She shook her head. “No, he’s just a friend. He was helping me feel better. Just like you helped Nicky.”
“Oh. Like Angie is daddy’s friend.” He looked at her, his head cocked slightly to the side. She rubbed his head and kissed it.
“Not quite but something like that.”
Seemingly satisfied with the answer, he turned his attention back to SpongeBob. She thought about Thomas and Angie and wondered how often her kids had been around the pair. She yawned, not wanting to uncover old feelings and snuck a chip from her son’s bag. When he didn’t protest, she noticed that both her boys were drifting. She glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it was quarter after ten. Scooping them up one at a time, she settled them down in their rooms and headed to her own. She exhaled loudly when she slid into her bed and settled under the covers. She was overjoyed to be finally tucked away, hidden from the craziness of the world. She glanced longingly at the empty space beside her and realized that there was a need to have someone fill that space. She had convinced herself that as long as she had her boys, family, friends, and a good job, she would be okay without a man. She quickly realized how wrong she was.
She hated to admit it, but Thomas had done a number on her. Any guy she looked at was a potential cheater, some jerk ready to have his way with her and then run for the hills. Going to clubs with friends was only a means to let off a little steam and never an opportunity to meet new people. She only seemed to meet men that perpetuated her fears about them. And, when she appeared to meet a decent guy, she didn’t know what to do with him.
She’d had relationships after Thomas, but they ended shortly after they started. Her heart, which had long ago rested peacefully on her sleeve, was now tucked deep into the recesses of her body, hidden beneath walls and walls of sarcasm, paranoia, and aloofness. Not many guys had been willing to try after being under the scrutiny of her cynical glare or after they had been exposed to her biting sarcasm.
She sighed and rolled over to her side and could not help but to think of those nights she laid in Thomas’s arms, sweaty and panting and smiling. He hurt her heart, but he loved her body. That may have been the only thing he loved about her. Even as she thought about their lovemaking, she felt a familiar rush of sensation and closed her eyes to ward off the urge.
Inhaling and exhaling deeply, she sunk down into her pillow pushing Thomas out of her mind. She could not afford to dwell on such empty thoughts. Savannah closed her eyes and hoped it would not be a long night.