Chapter 31: CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Saturday’s weather was beautiful. A mild 75 with low winds and even humidity. The clouds were plentiful so just as the sun started to scald, they moved and cast a cooling shadow across the yard. Savannah was holding onto a plate of corn on the cob that Kim had plopped down into her lap with an ‘eat it or die’ warning across her face. So far Savannah had managed to nibble at it.

People were milling about, talking and laughing. Savannah knew most of them. She was grateful that they would come over to talk to her instead of avoiding her as if she were already dead. She had to admit that it felt good to be out of the house and around other people, even if she was still tired.

“So, when are you going to Seattle?” Kenneth plopped down onto the outdoor couch and faced Savannah.

“I didn’t plan on going to Seattle.” Savannah stared at him matter-of-factly. Kim was standing near the grill, turning the steak and chicken and occasionally tearing off a piece to chew.

Kenneth made a grimace and leaned forward. “I think you should. It has been a long time since you were happy with a man in your life. You love him. He loves you.”

“I appreciate that. But I’ll be fine. He’ll have an amazing life and I’ll be able to work on getting better and focusing on my children. Besides, he left. Nothing I can do about that.”

“You know that I try to stay out of your business. But every time I talked to Dwight, he wouldn’t shut up about you, going on and on about how he’d like to be with you forever.”

“I always liked you Kenneth because you knew when to mind your own business.” She hoped he got the message. “Like I said, nothing I can do about that now.” Savannah smiled weakly and stood. “I’m going to get something from the car. You guys need anything?” Before they could answer, Savannah was racing toward her car, tears burning her cheeks as they fell from her eyes.

Dwight stood up and stretched, emitting a yawn as he bent backwards to release the tensed muscles in his back. He’d been at the yard work for a few hours and his body was starting to feel it. Besides, it was creeping up on the evening hour and he wanted to be showered and rested. Not like he had any plans with anyone. Lord knows he was in no mood or position for female company. But his uncle had raised him to never lay a dirty body in the bed. Besides, that sleep hit different when clean skin hit those clean sheets.

Plunging the trowel into the ground, he walked over to the steps where he grabbed the towel and wiped the sweat beading his face. He smiled at the front yard. What had been bare only a week or so ago was now a block of space with mass curb appeal. The granite stones he had purchased looked amazing as a pathway from his front steps to the small garden he had created.

There were cosmos flowers as well as some asters. He had heard that they were great plants for Seattle weather. He was sure that Izzy would love the bright colors of the flowers. He sectioned off a small part of the yard where he planned to let Izzy plant what she wanted. He was looking forward to having her join him soon although his uncle was more than happy to let her stay on with him until Dwight was finished sprucing up the house. He let his hands rest at his waist.

He sniffed the air and caught the faint scent of rain. Something he would have to get used to was how much rain fell in Seattle. He would have to figure out how to get Izzy her outside time. Hopefully he would be able to finish before the downpour started. He reached down for the trowel and dropped it immediately, having the sudden sensation that he was being watched.

“Hi.”

There she was. Slimmer than he remembered. Her hair was shorter. Much shorter but looked good on her face. Her jeans hugged despite the loss of inches in her waist. She stood at the top of his stairs that led down onto the curb. The shadows under her eyes were deeper than last time.

“Hi.” He turned his body completely towards her. He was suddenly aware of the trembling in his hands. “Hey.” He cleared his throat.

Savannah took one small step forward and stopped as if a glass wall stood between them. She took rapid deep breaths. At any moment she was going to pass out. “Looks nice. Wish I had a green thumb.”

He smiled weakly. Moments passed between them, his mind flooded with memories and hers flooded with emotion. He took off the baseball cap he was using to keep the sun from his eyes. She noticed his defined arms as well as the deep, rich brown of his skin. Apparently, he had been working outside a lot. He looked bigger, taller. It hadn’t been that long, had it?

“What are you doing here?” He stared at her. She watched the emotions flood him, recognizing most of them coursing through her.

“You know that moment when your head has been cloudy for so long and then suddenly it’s clear? I had that moment today, in my car.” She took a step. “I was standing there. In a fog. I’ve been thinking about us for a while. You. My thoughts were everywhere about my health, my boys, Izzy. Sandra. Everything. And I’ve had people in my ear just talking. And sitting in my car was the quiet moment I needed to realize something. I can do us.”

Dwight sighed and raked his large hand over his head and face. “Savannah, I appreciate that you’ve had your epiphany. I’ve had my fair share, so I know they mean a lot. But you hurt me. To throw me away like that, to accuse me of those things… they hurt. I love you. I never stopped. But right now… I’m not even sure how I feel. How do I know that this won’t happen again? That it’s not something that I have to get used to?” His eyebrows were furrowed at the center of his face.

“You don’t.”

It was a whisper, but he heard it. She looked so vulnerable. Even from a distance he could tell she was on the verge of tears. The wavering in her voice when she talked to him confirmed that. Damnit! He couldn’t look at her. Why the hell did she have to be here?

“It was really good to see you.” Dwight turned to walk away and then suddenly turned back around. “Since we are talking about having these grand moments when we see the light… I did too. And I need something else. I need you to do something. I need you to do something for me. And I don’t want to tell you what you need to do. I need you to do something that lets me know that I’m safe with you.” He started picking up his lawn tools, hoping that she didn’t see his body trembling. He was almost to the front door when he heard her.

“What?”

“I said I need you.”

He released the breath he had been holding. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t dare look at her. But he could feel her looking at him.

“I need you, Dwight. That was the epiphany. I’m terrified. I didn’t know if I’d live long. And that worried me. I’m scared for my children.” Savannah paused when her voice pitched. “The truth is I can’t do this without you. I haven’t been able to sleep because I’m not next to you. I can’t work because all I can think about is you. I want you.” With a few steps she closed the gap between them. She could hear his heavy breathing, see the rise and fall of his shoulders. She wanted to touch him, but her fingers hung in the air.

Shit. Dwight turned and pressed his lips against her forehead. She crumbled into his arms and the tears that she had been holding back tumbled down her slim cheeks. His hands roamed her back and with each stroke she pressed herself closer into his body.

“Savannah?”

She wouldn’t look up. Something in the strokes up and down her back felt nothing like what she was expecting. She tried even harder to pull herself into him.

“Savannah.” Exasperation filled his normally patient voice. “I can’t.”

Her fingers froze, her breathing nearly stopped. She slowly backed away and tried to force herself to look at him.

“We can’t do this to each other. I’ve never loved anyone like this. I’m sure people say that all the time, but I mean it. I’ve never felt this way. But I won’t do this. It’s not just you. I love Jake and Nicholas too. When you told me to leave, I was leaving them too.”

“I wasn’t thinking straight. I was frustrated and sick and just… I don’t know, Dwight.” Savannah paused and took a deep breath. She stared at him, her brows furrowed, shoulders squared.

“You’re standing there like you want to fight me.”

“I’m going to fight for you.” It came out softer than expected. He watched her, body tense, tired but intense eyes.

“It’s not enough. Just words.”

“What?” He caught the puzzled look on her face.

“I said it’s not enough. Those are words, Savannah. You can’t use your illness to hurt people.” He backed away. “No one expects men to feel. We’re supposed to be stupid, robots with muscles stumbling around, using our dicks for guidance. It’s funny. Until you realize it’s not true. I love the hell out of you. That’s why I need you to leave. I want to try to remember the good stuff.”

“But I flew all the way here.” Savannah pinched the bridge of her nose. “I came here to tell you I love you.”

“So, what does that mean?”

“I respect you. I trust you. I want to be the other part of you, that part that helps you become better. You are mad right now. I understand that. But even in your anger, I love you. I will not leave until you accept that.” She walked towards him. “I’ll sleep here. Right underneath your bushes. I’ll sit on your steps. I’ll stand in your window. I will not leave without you.”

He couldn’t. He was finally beginning to be able to sleep through the night. It’d been hell. Lying awake staring at the ceiling. Sitting dazed in front of his computer, his work was nothing but blurred words and diagrams. Wounds popped open whenever Izzy asked about Savannah, but she was asking less often than before. He’d told the universe he was done. He’d bargained with God. He’d pleaded. Yet here she was.

Dwight dropped his head. “Thank you. I really appreciate that. You should go.” He grabbed his tools and, releasing her, disappeared into his house.

Savannah’s chest rose and fell as she stared at the dark windows. She’d been frozen to that spot for a while, as evident by the increasing tightening of her legs and aching of her feet. She felt the slight rise of the goosebumps across her arms and hugged her purse to her body. She’d expected to be on her way back home with Dwight, so grabbing more clothes or even a jacket seemed unnecessary.

She supposed it was shock that kept her glued to the spot. She’d expected some resistance. There was his pride after all. And she had behaved badly, so she expected to spend some time apologizing. Made sense. But she was still on his porch… her shadow moving from one side of the yard to the other, an indicator that time had not waited for her.

Usually able to think on her feet, Savannah sunk down on the steps below her. She’d have to make a decision soon. Her ego and self-respect were on the line. Not to mention the fact that she needed to get home to her kids. She looked up when she heard footsteps.

An older man, possibly in his 70s sauntered up the walkway. He eyed the yard work and nodded a slight motion of approval. He had a cake pan in his hand.

“I’m Gerald. I live across the street. My wife suggested I introduce myself to the nice young man across the street. She’s not feeling well but trust me. As soon as she is feeling better, she will be over here.” He lifted the lid off the pan. “German chocolate. Is your husband, home?”

“Not her husband.” Dwight appeared in the doorway. He took a few steps towards the older man and extended his hand. “I’m Dwight.”

The area around the older man’s eyes creased. Perhaps in response to Dwight’s pronouncement. If that was the case, he didn’t mention it.

“I was just telling…” He paused, not knowing what name to insert.

“Savannah.”

“Beautiful name. I was telling her that my wife makes it her job, and then my job, to meet all the new neighbors. She sent me with this cake.” He smiled.

“That’s great.” Dwight reached for the dish and again shook hands with the man. He looked from Dwight to Savannah and back again. “Once she gets better be prepared to be invited to dinner. She loves young couples in love.” He turned to walk away. “See you soon.”

“Did you need something else?” The question was asked without eye contact.

“I meant what I said. I’m not leaving without you.”

“Oh really.” He turned to face her with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Yup.”

Their eyes locked, Savannah standing as tall as she could to try to match his height. She watched him.

“Oh yeah. How do you plan to do that?”

“Therapy. Communication. Being vulnerable. Trying. Crying. And loving you. I’m gonna love you so much.”

“That’s a start.” Dwight walked past her and shut the door behind him.

Savannah stood in her spot, eyeing the door. It was obvious that Dwight was going to make her work for it. She pulled out her cell phone to send another response to Kim who was celebrating and at the same time cussing her out. Her next call was to a nearby hotel. Her account would take a hit but thanks to working for Duncan and the generous salary he paid her, she would recover. Apparently, even spending only one night in Seattle would cost her quite a lot.

After the arrival of her Uber, she took one last look at the house and in a quick moment could have sworn that she saw the curtain move.

“I’m in a hotel room, Kim. Ok? I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“He really didn’t let you in?”

“No. He wouldn’t even really let me get close to him. I hate this feeling. I’ve never had to do this before. I feel like I’m begging.”

“Girl, if he was any other kind of man, I’d tell you leave it alone. That you deserve better. But…”

Savannah wanted the softness of the terry robe that was left in her room to soothe her wounds, but it didn’t work. The crisp white sheets did nothing to help her sleep. She didn’t even make it into the bed before three a.m. Thomas was surprised to hear from her but otherwise willing to keep the boys a few extra days. She never thought they would be at a place of peace. It was only recently that she had to admit that her feelings towards him were based in unresolved emotions, no matter how minute they were.

Savannah thought that she still loved Thomas, which kept her tethered to him and emotionally tied to any situation that came up. But Dwight had shown her what love is. She sucked her teeth at the cheesiness in it all. What the hell was happening to her?

“Kim. Am I doing the right thing? Something must be wrong with him, right? He knows I’m sick, and in a place where I don’t know anyone, and he left me for dead. He hasn’t even called to make sure that I made it ok.”

“Listen, if something even seems like it is about to happen to you, then I will personally kick his ass. But let’s just go over a few things. First, you are the one that took your happy ass to Seattle, unannounced. Second, you show up expecting to toss out some cheesy love movie quotes and that he would be all over you. Third, we do it to men all the time. I cannot tell you how many times I have left Kenneth outside to his own devices. I didn’t care where he went or how he got there. He’s grown. Just like you are. Handle your business.”

Savannah grabbed her cup of coffee and sat near the large window. The clouds were ominous. Heavy and dark, they shrouded the city in a misty haze. The cityscape was beautiful though. Confused streetlights flickered as if unsure of whether or not they were needed. She looked down at the houses further off in the distance and wondered what it would be like to raise her boys there. She’d been in Baltimore all her life and knew nothing else. Heaven knows she needed a gesture of some kind. To show Dwight that they were meant to be together. It couldn’t be as simple as moving, could it? To prove to him she was serious?

Dwight picked up his coffee mug and immediately put it down. He slid off the bar stool in his kitchen and then sat back down. “Maybe I should call the police.” He said into the phone.

“Dwight, relax.” Duncan responded. “She’s a smart woman. I’m sure she’s fine.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” He paused. “Maybe I’ll just ride around and see if I see her.”

Duncan chuckled. “Son, if you are so worried about where she is, how come you didn’t let her stay with you?”

“She hurt me. And I was mad at her.”

“What if she went home?”

Dwight sank down onto the bar stool. “I don’t know.”

“Can’t tell you what to do with your life. But whichever way you choose, you need to make sure that you are okay with the consequences. You could be with her or without her. It’s that simple.”

Dwight didn’t mind his uncle’s input. It was input like that that had helped him all his life. And it was never with a decision. Duncan required that Dwight make his own choices just in case things went wrong. He was never able to blame his uncle for anything.

“Hi Daddy!” Izzy called into the phone.

“Hey baby girl! I miss you.”

“Miss you too! Pop Pop snores too loud and sometimes I can’t sleep. But he makes pancakes with Mickey Mouse ears in the morning for breakfast.” Dwight could hear laughter in the background. “When do I get to see the new house? Do I have a big room? Are all of my toys there?”

Dwight smiled. He really missed the energy from Izzy. There was a severe loneliness in the house without her skipping around calling his name or making him play dress up and dolls. Even watching movies with her was an event as she retold every movie in her own words.

“Yes Isabella. Everything is here. I have a few more projects that I am working on. I also want to make sure that my job is set up and school is ready for you. Are you behaving yourself?”

“Of course, Daddy. Pop Pop is being bad though. He said some cuss words to the lady next door and—

Dwight heard a slight scuffle and Izzy’s voice trailing off. “Don’t believe what that girl told you.”

“I already know about you and Ms. Evers.”

“Man, that lady needs a hobby. Anyway, don’t worry about us. Take all the time you need. Allison watches Izzy when I need to work, and you know how amazing she is with children.”

After a few more moments of updates on the family and refusing offers to fly out to Seattle, Dwight thanked his uncle and hung up. He poured what was left of his coffee down the drain and rinsed the cup out. He busied himself with straightening and re-straightening the pieces of mail on his coffee table. The knock on the door startled him.

Savannah couldn’t tell who was more shaken up. His expression softened and then was immediately replaced with furrowed brows and set lips.

“I know that yesterday you made it quite clear where you stood. And I wanted to respect that. But I could not walk away without trying again.”

“Ok.” Dwight crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door jam.

“I apologize for the things I said and did. I didn’t consider how you felt because I was so worried about me. I didn’t think about how the kids would be affected. The only thing I have right now are words, but I love you and I want to spend whatever life I have left learning how to do it better.”

He yawned. He could see the frustration bubbling at the edges of her patience, but he had to prove a point, right? Like there was supposed to be something grand happening. Something amazing. He watched her mind spinning.

“I want you to be a part of my sons’ lives. You have done amazing things for them and I could not have made it through the past year without you. This is me, holding up everything I can offer and a promise for whatever I have in the future.”

After a few moments of tense, unsteady silence, Dwight stepped down onto the porch holding up an envelope. Nodding slightly, he gestured toward her. Savannah took the envelope and opened it, a smile spreading across her face.

“I printed it out this morning. If you had not shown up here, I was coming back home to find you.”

Savannah smiled at the boarding pass in her hand.